Avoid making a big deal of this conversation beforehand, or your friend (or their partner) may be suspicious of your motives. Just say something like, “Hey, I miss you. Can we get together sometime soon for a chat?”
For instance, say, “I’ve noticed that Joe puts you down whenever you talk about looking for a better job. That doesn’t seem very healthy or supportive. ” Don’t hesitate to continue expressing your concern in future meetings if the problem continues.
Don’t criticize the person for staying with their partner, either. They won’t want to talk to you if they feel judged. Instead of saying, “Jane is bad news. I can’t believe you let her dictate your schedule,” say something like, “I’ve noticed that Jane doesn’t want you to see your friends on the weekends anymore. How do you feel about that?”
Take the person seriously, no matter what they tell you. They understand their relationship better than anyone else does. Ask good follow-up questions to make sure you’re understanding them fully. Try, “So, what you’re saying is you feel like you have to stay even though you are unhappy?” Reassure the person that any abusive behavior they’re experiencing is not their fault. “Don’t beat yourself up about this. I know that’s easier said than done, but this is her fault, not yours. ”
Don’t make assumptions about what your friend or family member wants or needs. Let them tell you what kind of support is best. This kind of conversation may have to take place on numerous occasions over time. Just be steady rather than pushy. Your friend or family member may not be ready to leave their relationship. If that’s the case, let them know that you’ll still be there to help them if and when they ever need anything.
Do not give the person pamphlets or books to read unless they have a safe, private place to keep them. Likewise, don’t send them information online unless their partner does not have access to their computer and phone.
Don’t promise more than you can realistically give. Once you make the offer, the other person will depend on you to follow through.
Your ongoing support and willingness to listen may mean more to the other person than you realize. Avoid pressuring the person to leave their partner, or they may turn away from you. If they leave, it has to be their own choice.
If your friend or family member has become less and less available after getting together with their partner, it could be a warning sign that their partner is trying to isolate them. If the person tells you their partner doesn’t approve of their friends or social life, it could be another red flag.
Notice if the person’s partner says things like “You’d look so great if you lost some weight” or “Why are you going back to school? You were no good at school before. ”
If your friend or family member has been acting out of character lately, consider whether their partner might have something to do with it. Statements like “If you ever left me, I’d probably kill myself” or “I do all these things for you, and then you repay me by making your own plans and leaving me alone” are giveaways of a manipulative relationship. Be aware that your friend’s safety or even life might be threatened, and they could be unwilling to disclose that. The harder it is for them to make contact with you, the more serious the situation may be.
Another major red flag is if the person’s partner reads their text and email conversations.
