Tell your room mate what you’d like to see change about keeping your shared living area tidy, and realize that you’ll likely need to be willing to compromise. For instance, in the example above, you may need to add, “I know sometimes we can both get busy and may not always wash our dishes the very same day they’re used, but maybe we can try to make sure they’re washed the same day most of the time…” Don’t talk to other people about your roommate’s messiness unless you’ve first spoken directly to your roommate. Your roommate won’t appreciate learning about your feelings through someone else.
Don’t use phrases like, “I can’t believe you do this…” or “That’s so gross!” Instead, say, “I can get annoyed when there are too many dirty dishes in the sink. I’ll try to make sure to empty out the dishwasher, if you’ll be sure to put your dirty dishes in when they’re finished. ” Being open to compromise will help this conversation be more productive.
For example, “It would be great if you could clean up after you have your friends over. I don’t mind helping out if you need me to. ” Remember that different people have different standards and expectations regarding cleanliness and hygiene. It’s likely you do things that your roommate finds unacceptable as well. The best solutions will take all perspectives into account.
For example, you might say, “It’s really important to me that there not be dirty clothes in shared spaces. I try to keep all my clothes in my bedroom (or, on my side of the room). Do you think you could try this too?” If there is the likeliness of bug infestation or mold from your roommate’s hygiene habits, this might require that you suggest changes to the personal area as well. However, most of the time a messy roommate’s habits are just distasteful.
For example, becoming messier yourself so that you’re making your roommate miserable with your own messiness is unlikely to help improve your satisfaction.
Look around at your shared spaces, and notice your part of the mess. Remember, it’s often a lot easier to spot other people’s mess than it is your own. Try to set a higher standard for yourself than you do for your roommate.
Whether your roommate gets the message or not, your shared space will be clean for a temporary period of time. If you haven’t talked about your feelings to your roommate, this might be interpreted as a passive-aggressive act.
If your roommate notices, they might get the hint that you’d like to live in a cleaner space. Or, they might think you’re a “clean-freak” with control issues. Follow up your cleaning binge with a conversation about your desire for a different standard of cleanliness in your shared dorm or apartment. Otherwise, you might get trapped into continuing to do your roommate’s cleaning for them. Don’t do this more than once, unless your roommate has a life situation (a death in the family, a serious illness, etc. ) that’s substantially out of the ordinary.
Scheduling time free of distraction when none of you is busy or rushed can be very helpful for having a potentially challenging conversation. Don’t wait too long before scheduling a meeting. Make sure you leave plenty of time in the meeting for your roommate to bring up concerns of their own. Remember, you’re not scheduling an intervention, but a conversation.
It’s probably a good idea to schedule a follow-up meeting so that you can check in about how the assigned chores are going. Make sure the tasks are relatively evenly divided. Be aware that most people have some fluctuation in their schedules and there may be times when either you or your roomie let things get out of hand because of school or work pressures. This is normal and to be expected.
An example of a penalty might be: “If I allow my household chore to remain undone for more than __ days, I agree to pay $__ to the household beer fund. ” If your messy roommate can afford it, a possible solution is that the they pay for a cleaning service to take care of their share of the chores. Be aware that this is usually not an option for dorms, but may be for apartments or shared houses.
For example, maybe Saturday mornings can be a good time to focus your attention on household chores. Follow your cleaning by doing something fun together, such as ordering a pizza, watching a movie, or having friends over.
Realize that your messy roommate will move on eventually. Focus your attention on what you have in common, and what you enjoy together. Spending all your time feeling stressed about a messy roommate will only ruin your day.
