Take a break. Humans can “catch” emotions; in other words, the emotions of people around you are likely to rub off on you. [3] X Research source Even if you are a very positive person, if you are around negativity too much, it may make it harder to maintain your positive outlook. Take a break from your friend’s negativity sometimes. Another way to maintain your positivity is to stay in tune with your own emotional experience. If you’re starting to feel negativity rubbing off on you, check in with yourself and remind yourself that that isn’t something you want. For example, “I’m starting to feel angry at restaurant servers because my friend has been complaining for five minutes about ours. I don’t have a problem with our server. This anger isn’t mine. " You’ll be more able to sustain your own positivity if you focus on it. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Use humor. Redefining a negative experience in humorous terms can help counteract the brain’s natural impulse to focus on the negativity of a situation. [5] X Research source The next time your friend starts in on a rant, flip the situation humorously: “I’m sorry your car didn’t start and you had to run for the bus. But hey, you did say you’ve been wanting to get more exercise, right?” Remind yourself when your friend’s negativity is irrational. It can be easier to maintain your own positivity if you disengage from irrational negativity. For example, if your friend is complaining that your night is ruined because you have to see a movie in 2D instead of 3D, remind yourself that this is completely irrational. You still get to see the movie, and you can still have an enjoyable evening. Disengage from your friend’s irrational thought trap. [6] X Research source
For example, look for ways you can help your friend. If his car dies, offer to give him a ride or jump start his battery. If he complains about a family member, offer to let him vent to you. These small gestures will produce a big effect in both of your lives.
Sometimes, friends’ negativity can trigger unpleasant or traumatic memories from our own past. For example, if you have recovered from a past substance abuse problem and your friend is constantly complaining that her family wants her to stop doing drugs, this negativity could trigger painful memories of your own past. If your friend’s negativity continues to “push your buttons” or cause painful triggering, it may be best to step away.
If your friend’s negativity is severe, such as talking about suicide or self-harm, talk to a trusted parent, teacher, counselor, or other authority figure. Your friend needs more help than you can offer.
Use “I”-statements rather than “you”-statements. For example, “Quit being so negative” is going to have less of a positive effect than “I feel like there’s more to the situation than you’re seeing. ” “I”-statements sound less judgmental, which can make the other person more open to hearing what you have to say.
Gentle eye contact and nodding along to what your friend is saying, if you agree, are great ways to create a positive interaction. Maintain an even tone of voice. Staying calm when your friend blows up may help her realize that there’s more than one way to respond to a problem.
Clearly express your desires, wants, and needs. Use direct language that can’t be contradicted. For example, say “The way that you’re acting right now makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to leave, but we can talk later if you want. ” Include empathy. For example, “I understand that you want to keep talking about this, but I’m not comfortable with this conversation, so I’m going to leave. ” Set limits. For example, “I am happy to listen to your complaints for five minutes, but then I would like us to change the subject so we don’t get too bogged down in negative feelings. “[14] X Research source
For example, if your friend is complaining about a bad day at work, ask him if he wants to go bowling or see a movie. Offer to pay for his ticket.
People who have pessimistic views may see positive thinking as “sticking your head in the sand” or refusing to acknowledge life’s problems. You can help encourage your friend learn to think more positively by modeling healthy positive thinking in your interactions. [17] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source For example, a friend with a pessimistic view may say, “I shouldn’t even try for that interview, because I’ll never get the job. " Someone who is refusing to acknowledge reality might respond, “Oh, you’ll definitely get the job! There’s no way you’re not the best!” While this may sound positive, it isn’t helpful because it’s clearly unrealistic and doesn’t acknowledge your friend’s genuine concerns. Instead, be positive but realistic: “Okay, maybe you might not be the most qualified person in the world for that job. . . but you won’t know if you can get it unless you apply. You do have a lot of the qualities they’re looking for. What would it hurt to apply?”
People with major depression can’t just “snap out” of feeling bad. However, depression is very treatable with therapy and medication. Other symptoms of depression include: frequent feelings of sadness or teariness, angry outbursts, lack of interest in things you used to enjoy, changes to weight, sleep, or appetite, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and frequent thoughts of harm to self or death. [19] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Frame your talk with “I”-statements, such as “Lately I’ve noticed you don’t want to hang out as much. I’m worried about you. Would you like to talk?” Ask questions. Don’t assume you know what’s going on. Instead, ask your friend some questions, such as “Have you been feeling this way for awhile? Did something happen to make you feel this way?” Offer support. You should let your friend know that you care about her and are there to support her. Often, people with depression feel very bad or worthless about themselves. Let her know that you care for her and are there for her by saying something like, “I really value our friendship. Even if you don’t want to talk right now, I’m always here for a chat if you want. " People with depression may respond with anger or irritation to your attempt to help. Don’t take it personally, and don’t try to force the issue. [21] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
If your friend constantly seems to worry about things or feel “out of control” of her own life, she may be experiencing anxiety issues. Like depression, anxiety is a mental disorder that is serious but can be treated. You can’t “fix” your friend’s anxiety, but you can show her that you care about her and want to support her.
Use “I”-statements when you talk to your friend about her anxiety. Don’t make her feel worse about herself by saying things like “You need to work on your anxiety. " Instead, say something reassuring and kind, like “I feel like you’ve been really worried and stressed out the last several times we’ve spent time together. Are you okay?”
Give her positive feedback. Overcoming that self-protective instinct takes time. Whenever you see even the slightest hint of growth, tell your friend something positive about it. For example, “I’m so glad you decided to come out to the bowling alley with us today! I’ve really missed you. " Encourage her. Overcoming negativity is hard work, and she will have relapses. Keep encouraging her to try new tactics. Listen to her. Many people may feel low self-esteem because they feel others don’t listen or care about them. Take the time to listen to your friend, acknowledge her concerns, and share your ideas with her. This will make her feel involved in your life, and let her know that she’s important to you.
Remember that you can’t “fix” your friend’s problems. However, you can be there to support her. Just remember to take care of yourself, too.
