Needs are things that should be met because they are essential for your happiness, safety, and well-being. [1] X Research source Wants are things you prefer to have happen because it causes you pleasure. [2] X Research source Wants are optional, but needs are non-negotiable. You may want your partner to clean up more often, but you need them to be respectful and honest, for example.
Figure out what priorities are important to you because this will help you determine your needs. For example, your top priorities may be intimacy, family, and financial stability. Order your needs from most to least important to help you decide which ones to communicate first and which ones can wait. This will help to ensure that you are telling your partner what needs are most important to you. It may also help to prevent you from feeling overwhelmed by all of the things you need.
If you need help, you can ask a trusted friend to listen to you and help you practice.
You should talk in a private place where you won’t be disturbed. Don’t go to a restaurant or coffee shop. If you have kids, see if someone can keep the children for a few hours so you can talk privately.
If something is not going the way you want, say it right away instead of waiting or silently dealing with your frustration.
Don’t get mad if your partner doesn’t agree with you or understand right away. Be open to listening to their point of views so you can come to a compromise.
For example, if you say, “I need more intimacy,” your partner might understand, but their version of intimacy may be different than yours. Instead, be specific. You might say, “I need you to kiss me more often and talk to me about your day. ”
Start with the most important thing that you need from your partner. Once the two of you have worked on it, you can move on to another want.
For example, you should tell your partner where your privacy boundaries are. If there are things, boxes, or boxes that are private and off-limits, explain this to your partner. If you have sexual boundaries, explain these clearly to your partner. There may be some negotiation where your sexual needs and wants are concerned, but you should discuss it. Try saying, “I don’t feel comfortable fulfilling all of your fantasies. However, I am willing to try a few new things that you want to. "
For example, if you feel the house is a mess, you may want to say, “You never do anything to help around the house!” Instead, be factual and say, “The house is messy right now” or “Things are not as neat as they could be. ” Keep the statements about you instead of your partner. For example, don’t say, “You are being clingy. ” Instead, say, “I miss spending time with my friends. ”
As you think about what you want and need, you should consider the way your partner handles things. If you need affection, maybe they’re doing it in their own way! This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for your partner to do things you need, but your partner may think they are already meeting your needs. You might say, “I understand that you think watching TV is spending quality time together. However, I would like to talk in the evenings instead of just sitting quietly. ”
For example, your need for companionship may not be able to be only met by your partner. You may need to have this need met by family and friends as well.
The two of you should work together to come up with ways to meet both of your needs, especially if your needs are different. You may not understand your partner’s needs, but you should respect them. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you, it makes sense to them.
You may need your partner to be more social and outgoing, but they may be a shy, introverted person. You might compromise by going to parties with smaller crowds.
Make sure you let your partner know when they fulfill your wants and needs. Appreciation and acknowledgement can help strengthen your relationship and make your partner feel good about themselves.
During these talks, let your partner know what’s working. Don’t just make these progress talks about negative things. It is really important to give your partner positive reinforcement and let them know what they are doing right. Show your appreciation to your partner.
