Don’t give yourself a hard time for letting people use you. Instead, focus on the future.
Often this happens because the person is happy with the situation as it is, wants to leave their options open, or doesn’t want to lose the benefits of being special to you. [1] X Research source [2] X Research source [3] X Research source If you find yourself in this situation, ask how the other person defines the relationship and, if applicable, where they would like to see the relationship go in the future. If this doesn’t align with what you want, you might consider either severing ties or modifying your expectations of the other person and the relationship.
In doing this, the other person’s needs and wishes not only disregard yours but also dictate one of the most fundamental aspects of any relationship – when you see the other person. [4] X Research source [5] X Research source [6] X Research source [7] X Research source If this is the case, you must decide if what you’re getting out of the relationship compensates for this, assuming it upsets you. And you must choose whether or not to discuss your feelings and/or your decision with the other person.
Just as the other person dictates when you spend time together, the same is happening when you don’t spend time together. [8] X Research source [9] X Research source Here, too, you must decide on a course of action – to talk with the other person and see if things change or emotionally detach from a relationship you may have wanted but do not have.
If you find they are, refuse to do what’s being asked or discuss the problem directly with the other person.
If you find yourself in this situation, express your feelings to the other person. If nothing changes, it may be time to say goodbye. More reliably green pastures do exist where friends, relatives, colleagues and romantic partners do actually keep their word.
If a person tells you 1 thing but then does something else, then they are disrespecting you. Remember that actions speak louder than words. If a person gossips about you or acts differently to you than they would when you’re around others, red flags with the words “ulterior motive” and/or “jealousy” imprinted on both sides should be waving in your mind’s eye. Think about who this person is to you really and decide how to best let go of (you don’t have to be friends with everyone) or handle (you do have to work with some people) a relationship with a person you cannot trust. [15] X Research source
When you find this happening, change the subject to something that would still interest them but not be about them. Or cut the conversation short; hopefully they’ll eventually get the picture.
Discuss this issue with the other person and point it out when it happens.
When this happens, explain that you find their behavior rude and ask that your communication is returned. If this doesn’t work, refuse to do whatever the person wants when they finally get around to contacting you.
Tell the other person that you feel you’re being taken advantage of and taken for granted. Insist on discussing things before either of you make decisions that affect the other.
If you notice this happening a lot, you might ask the other person why they want to be around you if you, your things or the way you do things are clearly lacking in their opinion.
Nonetheless, you can decrease the chances of future damage by remembering who can and cannot be trusted and then not confiding in those people.
Think about how often they do things for you. For instance, do they leave dishes in the sink all day, then expect you to clean AND cook dinner? That’s a subtle type of disrespect. [27] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 December 2020. It’s important to set boundaries when dealing with someone you think is taking advantage of you. Your boundaries should limit the impact their behaviors have on you. For example, you might tell them that you won’t answer your phone after 9:00 p. m. , even if it’s an “emergency. " Be sure to follow through with consequences if they violate your boundaries. [28] X Research source Unless they are doing as much for you, even if in other ways, pull back on your support. You will likely meet resistance, so kindly explain your reasons. It’s in their hands at that point.
In the case of borrowed items, ask the person to return what’s been borrowed before you lend anything else. If nothing’s returned, don’t loan again. In the case of borrowed ideas, decide if addressing the issue would create a bigger issue. If not, talk about it and in the future be careful about what you share and with whom.
For the big things like living expenses, let the other person know what you’ve decided, why you made the decision and both how and when you will implement the changes. For smaller things like picking up a bar tab, simply pay only your portion. If your friend conveniently “forgot” her wallet, the next time you meet for drinks slip in a sly, “Hey, don’t forget your wallet if you’re swapping purses again. ”
In fact, think back to the last time that person did you a favor without you asking. Or surprised you with a present, card or dinner. Now determine if your return on investment, or ROI, is paying off for you.
Be careful that you don’t adopt the persona of a caretaker or martyr. Taking care of other people may make you feel valuable and needed, and it can even meet some of your unmet needs. However, it’s harmful for you in the long-run. When you find yourself wanting to please the other person, write down what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling this way and if doing what you planned to do for the other person will a) take away from what you need, b) go unappreciated and c) fail to solve the problem. If the answer to all three questions is yes, do something for yourself instead.
To avoid reaching this point, talk calmly in a neutral environment with the other person about how you’re feeling resentful. And, remember: It may not go the way you want, but it wasn’t going well prior to the discussion, either.
