A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard. Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?” Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you. ”

A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good choices. You can even try going for a walk.

For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal. For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…” If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…”

Let them know that this might be hard for them to hear and for you to say, but that you think it’s valuable nonetheless. This will set the tone for a conversation built on respect and trust. For example: “I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but I think if we can discuss this, it will really strengthen our relationship. ”[3] X Research source

It’s ok to put off the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much. ” It’s not ok to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation.

Phrase things in terms of how they make you feel. Instead of saying “you shouldn’t have done this,” say “I felt really hurt when you did this. ” That way, they’ll understand that their actions had an impact on your feelings. Bring in a few positive things that they do that make you feel good, and use them as a way to point out why you find the negative actions so hurtful: “I appreciate it when you take the time out of your day to call me at lunch. That’s why I’m so hurt that you haven’t been in contact with me for a week. ”

If somebody criticizes you during the conversation, avoid responding with “that’s not true!” or “you suck!” Instead, take a few minutes to think about what the person said and respond with something like “I appreciate your honesty. ”

For example, if you need to tell a significant other that they aren’t offering you enough emotional support, you can say: “I realize that you’re trying to be supportive, but when you text me ‘good luck’ instead of showing up at the game, it makes me feel like you don’t really care. ” If you’re trying to tell somebody that they’re not doing well at their job, add in a positive: “I see that you’re very creative, and I would love to see you manage your time better so that you can contribute more to the team. ” The person you’re talking to might not initially be able to process what you’ve said. If you’ve said things in a kind way, they will ultimately realize that your intentions were good the whole time.

Don’t let this deter you from speaking out; it’s still important to express how you feel. You’ll have more peace of mind knowing that you tried.

Be patient. Don’t bombard them with more questions if they don’t respond right away. Leave some room for contemplation. If you push them to talk before they’re ready to, they may get upset and say something that will make the situation more difficult than it already is.

Don’t get defensive and say something like “that’s not true!” This won’t lead to anywhere but more arguing. Instead, acknowledge what they have said: “Ok, I’ll try to work on that. Thanks for letting me know. ” This way, they’ll know that you’re receptive to change as well.

Try saying something like, “I think we have talked enough for now. Let’s resume this conversation in a few days. ”

Try saying something like, “So we are in agreement then? The next time ____ happens, we will both ____. ”

Try saying something to your friend like, “I think we would benefit from meeting with an objective third party. Would you be willing to talk this over with me at a counselor’s office?”