If your marriage is ending due to abuse or your spouse simply will not cooperate, just plan to tell the children on your own. Your words can show a united front, too. Try to use “we” as much as possible instead of he, she, or I.
For example, to a preschooler, you might say, “Sweetie, we will be moving into separate houses. You will stay here with Mommy, but you’ll still see Daddy on weekends. ” Slightly older children to adolescents care more about how the divorce will impact their lives. Therefore, you might want to say something like, “Mom and Dad are separating. We won’t live together anymore, but you will still be able to go to your same school. You will spend half your time with Mom and half with Dad. ” Meanwhile, teenagers may have a much better understanding of relationships and may play a role in some of the decision-making. You might say, “We are getting a divorce. We both will continue to live in the same town, so you have a choice of who you’d like to stay with. ”
If you’d like to offer a brief explanation of why you are divorcing to older kids, you might say, “Mom and Dad aren’t happy together anymore. ” If they have questions, answer them as fully and candidly as possible without straying from your plan.
For instance, say, “Mom and Dad have grown apart. We are fighting a lot. It will be best if we live apart. ”
However, if you believe an older child’s reaction may upset any younger children, you might choose to break the news separately and tailor each response to the specific child. [6] X Research source
Encourage them to express how they feel by gently saying things like, “It’s okay to cry, but we want you to talk to us about how you are feeling inside - what you are thinking about. "
You might say things like, “I know you’re upset, sweetheart. I’m here for you. ”
No matter how upset you may be about the divorce, you are there as a source of comfort for your child—not the other way around. Don’t confide in them or try to “win” them over by assassinating your ex’s character.
Never make assurances that you can’t stand behind, such as that they won’t have to change schools or that they will still see their friends every day.
Ask these adults to keep you informed of any changes in your child’s behavior or mood.
A counselor can be a great source of comfort and advice for children who have trouble discussing their feelings with their parents—who very well may be the cause of these feelings.
Try to maintain certain traditions or create new traditions that help all of you spend time together, such as a Sunday evening movie night or Saturday morning pancakes. Even if your child acts like they don’t want to spend time with you, make an attempt anyway. They may just be testing you to see how much you care.
