Find a day when you all have a lot of free time. Write a letter or email if necessary.
You might say something like “Mom and Dad, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for longer than I can remember. I’m gay. It’s been so hard keeping this from you but I thought it was time you knew. ”
You might also repeat back what you hear your parents saying to show that you understand and are listening. An example would be “So, it sounds like you aren’t really shocked but you don’t necessarily approve of me being this way. ”
If your mom is telling you she is disappointed, don’t look away or scowl. Instead, maintain eye contact and nod to show your are processing her words. Be respectful and understanding. You can’t expect them to accept immediately.
You might say something like “I really love you both so much and not sharing this part of me with you has been hurting me for a while. ”
They will likely ask when you knew, if you are dating someone, and if you are sure. Feel free to avoid any questions about sex. You could say something like “I really prefer to keep that part of my life private and I hope you respect that, Dad. ” Expect the questions to continue over days and weeks, especially if they were taken by surprise.
Try not to get angry or defensive, and avoid making blanket statements about how they never support or approve of you. Focus on the topic at hand. You might say something like “Mom, I know you’re not happy right now and I get it. But please don’t blame yourself for this. You did nothing wrong. You have been a wonderful parent to me, but this is who I am and I hope you’ll still love and accept me. ”
Find out if there is an organization or local group for parents and families of gay children, like PFLAG, in the area. You might say “I know this was all a bit heavy, but I did want you to know that there are resources out there to help you work through this. I brought you these articles to read if you like. ”
Consider checking in weekly if they do not reach out to you soon after the conversation. Remind them that you are here to talk and want to continue having a relationship with them.
This is the time to consider if you want a trusted friend or mentor present during the conversation. While this may offend your parents, it’s important that you have the protection and support that you need.
You may find that your school counselor is helpful. Or, you may feel most comfortable talking to a counselor who is also LGBTQ. If you can’t find one in your area, some LGBTQ therapists offer services via the phone or internet.
For instance, if you are worried about potential violence, you might opt to tell them on the phone. If they begin to yell or curse at you, you could say “I’m sorry, but I cannot be yelled at Mom. I would love to talk about this more when emotions aren’t so high. Can you call me tomorrow?” That being said, you should give yourself time to get back into a positive mindset before the discussion with your parents. Going into the situation with a negative attitude could increase the likelihood of a bad outcome.
Though these suggestions might seem scary, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
If you feel any doubt about your sexuality, consider waiting to come out to your parents, especially if you suspect they will react negatively. However, if you think your parents will be supportive, talking to them about your sexuality can be immensely helpful.
For instance, if you think they might be angry, you might want to have someone with you when you tell them or you might want to do it over the phone. If you think they will be confused, you might want to be prepared to talk to them about when you first thought that you might be gay.
If you have friends who’ve come out to their parents, ask them how long it took for things to settle. Remember, every family is different, but talking to friends can sometimes give you an idea of what to expect.
If you are financially dependent and you don’t feel that coming out is an option, start making a specific action plan for becoming financially independent, especially after you finish school. Living in a situation where you must suppress a part of yourself is not sustainable in the long term. It can take a huge toll on your mental health.
Consider your friends and extended family. Do you have a strong support network beyond your parents? Do you have friends that are like family? If so, a negative reaction from your parents will be easier to bear.
