The change doesn’t necessarily have to be negative. However, you may have to work through some hurt and distrust from your partner. Before you tell your partner, make a commitment to the relationship and making it stronger as you both deal with your addiction.
Write down what you want to say. You can write an entire speech, or you may want to make bullet points of things you want to make sure you cover. Writing down your ideas and having them with you may help if you get in the heat of the moment and are too upset to think straight.
Your addiction affects both of you, so you should respect and be understanding of your spouse’s reaction. Your partner may not be understanding or what to help you at first. Realize it may take awhile for your partner to come to terms with your addiction.
Choose a private place where you won’t be interrupted. Remove all distractions from the room. Talk when both of you have time. The conversation may take a long time, so make sure you don’t have to go to work or an appointment around the time.
Say to your partner, “I have a gambling addiction. Because of this, I have gotten into some debt. " Talk about the emotions that go with your addiction as well. This may help your partner to feel some empathy for you and be more understanding. For example, you might say something like, “Gambling is an escape for me. When I am feeling sad, frustrated, or lonely, I want to go to the casino. It helps me to ignore these feelings for a while, but they are still there after I leave. "
When your partner has questions, answer them to the best of your ability. Show them that you understand what they are saying.
Don’t ignore past hurts because you are embarrassed or they are painful. Acknowledge them now so you can move past them, you both can start to heal, and not dwell on them in the future. For example, you can say to your partner, “I apologize for my actions due to my gambling. I am sorry I caused you any pain. "
Your treatment may include rehab, support groups, psychotherapy, and lifestyle management techniques. Also let your partner know if you take any medication.
You should also discuss how you have eliminated triggers or what measures you take to deal with triggers when you encounter them. For example, your triggers may be stress, boredom, or having cash in your pocket.
You may also suggest that your partner go to a support group. They can try a Gambler’s Anonymous meeting, or find a meeting in your area for the loved ones of those facing addiction.
Your partner may be skeptical that you will follow through with your treatment based on your past behavior. The more you follow your treatment and continue down the road to recovery, the more reason your partner will have to trust you.
Discuss what a relapse will do to your relationship. Ask your partner if they will stand by you in a relapse, and what boundaries should be put into place should a relapse occur.
Discuss how you will need your partner and what role your partner will play if you have a slip-up or lapse. Being accountable to your partner can help you want to fight harder to recover and overcome your addiction. You may want to say, “I could really use your help while I recover. It’s not going to easy, but I hope you will be there for me even if I have bad times or slip-up. "
Your partner and you may agree that they will not help you if you get into any more debt or legal trouble due to your gambling. They will help you work on a plan for you to pay your debt, not bail you out or pay your debt for you. You might set a boundary by saying something like, “If I gamble again and get into financial trouble, I do not want you to help me out. If I ask you to help me out, please tell me “no” and remind me that I asked you not to help me. "
Though your partner may be angry or hurt by your past behaviors, ask them to be part of the solution. Ask for their input about things and how they think you should proceed. Ask your partner to help you seek legal or financial advice if needed. You may say, “I would like you to help me come up with a plan to repay my debt. I think your input would be valuable. ”
Your partner may need to first take care of debt accrued in their name or on joint accounts. Try to understand that your partner is looking out for their needs as much as yours.
For example, you may agree to spend every Saturday together, or you may decide that weekends are set aside for family time.
