For example, when watching some news coverage, you might say, “Hey, hon, what’s your take on same-sex marriage?”
Open-ended questions are those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, when your girlfriend says “I love this TV show!” you might say, “Oh, really? What do you like about it?”
Start the conversation by saying something like, “I’d like us to talk about ways both of us could respect one another’s limits. What are some ways I can show you respect?” Boundaries don’t include “always” or “never” language. They are roadmaps that tell you how to love and treat one another, such as “I’d like for you to ask permission before using my things” or “It bothers me when you insult my friends. Could you please not do that?” Take the time to figure out what your boundaries are and share them with one another.
For example, if your girlfriend complains that you’re always on the phone, she may be indirectly telling you that she feels ignored. Instead of taking offense, respond with “You’re right. I’m sorry. Why don’t we silence our phones and have some one-on-one time?”
“What characteristics would describe as part of your most ideal self?” “What issues would you like to change about your community, nation, or the world?” “What would you save in a house fire if all living beings were out safely?”
For example, you might make her feel special by preparing her coffee or tea with the right amount of sugar and cream. You might show you’re paying attention by bringing her favorite food when you come over to visit. Also, you might avoid tickling her if you know she dislikes it. You can simply observe your girlfriend over a span of time to learn these quirks or you can come out and ask her specifically.
Ask her what she feels comfortable doing and share your own sexual boundaries. This can cover everything from kissing to PDA to touching and intercourse. Ask her consent before trying something new. For example, you might say, “Is it okay if I put my hand here?” before touching her thigh. You can also start a discussion before trying new things by asking open-ended questions, e. g. , “How do you feel about oral sex?” Have an open and ongoing conversation about what each of you like and don’t like as well as how far you feel comfortable going. Doing so ensures that the relationship progresses at an appropriate pace.
Distractions can also be mental or physical in nature. If you’re really tired or upset, for example, postpone the talk until you’re able to fully participate.
Paraphrasing means restating what you heard in a different way to verify the message. You might say, “Let’s see if I’m hearing this correctly. You’re saying…?”
Your girlfriend might say, “My boss is giving me such a hard time. It seems like, no matter what I do, it’s never good enough. ” Phrases like “hard time” or “never good enough” can give insight into her feelings. You might validate her statement by saying, “Sorry, sweetie, that sounds really frustrating. ” Be sure not to invalidate your partner by making remarks like “Oh, you’re being too sensitive,” which might make her feel misunderstood.
For example, if your girlfriend’s body is turned away from you, it may indicate that she doesn’t want to have the discussion or that she wants to leave. Slumped shoulders may suggest that she’s feeling sad or hopeless. Crossed arms often demonstrate being closed-off, so she may do this when she feels attacked or offended.
Be sure that you have fully heard her out and demonstrated that you understand and feel for her situation. Then, gently ask if she wants help or advice by saying something like, “Do you want my help or would you like me to just listen?”
