“When I come home from a long day at work and see dirty dishes in the sink, I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. " “When you tell jokes about immigrants, I feel really uncomfortable and insulted. I feel like I’m not welcome in my own country, regardless of my individual heritage, because of my race. "
For example, you might say something like, “In the future, could you please load the dishwasher before I get home from work so I can make dinner right away?” Or, you might say, “I would appreciate it if you could avoid telling those kinds of jokes in my presence. ”
Using absolutes, such as “always” or “never. ” Telling the person what they “should” or “ought” to have done. Labeling the person or their actions with words like “weird,” “crazy,” or “stupid. ” Starting with “you” or saying “I feel like you…”[2] X Research source Don’t worry if you make a mistake when you are just learning to use “I” statements. Try to learn from the mistake moving forward to improve your communication skills.
Try writing freely about how you feel and why. Write in a journal, using a notepad app on your phone, or just on a scrap of paper. If you prefer to talk it out, call up a friend or family member who is supportive and trustworthy. You can even draw to express your feelings if you prefer. Get out a piece of paper and a pencil or some crayons and draw what happened and how it made you feel.
For example, if your significant other was supposed to call you at a certain time and they failed to do so, then you might be feeling hurt, sad, or angry as a result. If the person is a coworker who is behind on a project you are working on together, then you might feel frustrated that their lack of progress is preventing you from doing your job.
For example, you might write something like, “John did not call me when he said he would and I was worried something might have happened to him. ” Or, in the situation with a coworker, you might write, “Sarah is behind on the project we are working on together and I can’t finish my part without her information. ”
For example, as a result of John not calling you, you might write, “I felt worried when he didn’t call, but now that I know he’s okay, I feel hurt that he forgot to call me. ” In the case of your coworker, you might simply write, “I feel stressed because my work is being held up. ”
In the case of John not calling, you might write, “In the future, I would like it if John would make sure to call me when he says he will. ” In the case of your coworker, you might write, “I need Sarah to get her information to me as soon as possible. ”
For example, you might tell John, “I’m feeling upset because I didn’t hear from you last night. I was worried that something happened to you. Please make sure to call me next time we schedule a phone call so I won’t be worried. ” Or, in an email to Sarah, you might write, “Hey, Sarah. I want to touch base about that information we talked about last week. I’m a little concerned because I need to take care of this task that I’ve been assigned, but I can’t make any progress until I get the information from that report you’re working on. Can you please send it over to me as soon as possible?”
You might also want to plan the conversation for a time when you will both be relaxed and have time to talk. Choose a pleasant setting such as while you’re relaxing after dinner or during a walk.
Remember that you have a right to express your feelings and needs, and you’re not making any accusations or casting blame with your “I” statement. You are simply looking for solutions to improve your personal or working relationship with the person.
Keep in mind that the other person might not use “I” language. If they start to make “you” statements, don’t follow suit. Continue to speak to them using “I” statements to defuse the situation and model good communication for them.
