Be specific with your questions, and ask for specific answers. Start with something like, “I know it’s been rough lately. What can I do to prove how much this relationship still means to me?” Listen carefully to her response and take her perspective seriously, even if it angers or saddens you at first. Know that speaking honestly with one another will likely be the first step in getting your relationship back on track.
Any change that’s had a negative impact on your relationship needs to be addressed. [3] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. For instance, there could simply have been tangible changes. If one person didn’t have a very healthy lifestyle, they might’ve developed health concerns that are now taking a toll on your intimacy. [4] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. If you recently had a child together, you could be adjusting as you learn how to be parents. [5] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. If you’ve become more stressed (from work or whatever else) – and maybe harder to be around – acknowledge that this likely a reason that distance may have developed between the two of you. Schedule specific time to work on whatever you might need to change. If it’s simply spending more time with your wife, commit to spending certain blocks of time together each week and take these commitments seriously. If you frequently find yourself yelling or having fits of anger or other emotional surges, see a therapist soon.
If you’re suffering from addiction of any sort - to alcohol, drugs, the internet, or anything else - see a medical professional as soon as possible. Recognize that physical abuse of any type is not only illegal, it is a sign that you need professional help. In short, address any and all problems that are external to your relationship so that they do not continue to have a negative effect on your marriage. Tell your wife about the effort your putting in to address serious issues. Not only will she be happy to hear it, you’ll motivate yourself to take your own efforts seriously.
By indicating you’re able to go on with your own life, you’re also indicating that you’re capable of a mature and level-headed conversation. Don’t play to her sympathy or try to guilt her by acting dramatically or emphasizing how much it hurts to be without her – it’s immature, and it won’t work in the long term.
If you do have kids, simply tell them that both you and your wife love them and that everything will work out. Take a similar approach with shared friends. Simply articulate that you hope to work things out, and that you love and respect your wife. If you do get back together, your relationship will only be complicated by anything negative you’ve said about your wife. If you’re still in love with her, act like it!
Do not overreact to tumultuous periods. A rough conversation, a night apart, even a string of cold-shoulders does not mean your marriage is doomed. Rough patches do indicate the need for some improved communication – but that may be enough to rekindle your marriage!
Be particularly honest about the things you believe were detrimental to your marriage before the distance grew between you. For example, if you stepped out of the relationship, you’d want to be open and honest about that infidelity. [9] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. Be sure to include both the reasons you want to win her back, and the reasons you believe your relationship can be a source of healthy, shared happiness for both of you. Don’t avoid any conversations that need to happen. Don’t deny or ignore any past detrimental behavior – either your own or your wife’s. Give your wife plenty of space to process your conversation, especially if you discuss something upsetting. [10] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
Organize your own thoughts, and prepare yourself to clearly share them with your wife by getting them out on paper. Make specific lists of the things you love about your wife and your relationship with her. Also list the things that frustrated you about your previous lives together. If you’re still speaking, and she may be willing to do so, ask her to do the same and share the lists with one another. This will likely lead to some serious, but important conversations.
Remember—a good apology is all about acknowledging the actions that you’ve committed. If you were apologizing for cheating, you’d want to say “I’m sorry for stepping out of this relationship and cheating” rather than “I’m sorry for my actions. “[12] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. Improved communication – and the honesty it leads to – will necessitate that you both accept responsibility for ways you may have hurt each other in the past. Whether your wife has done and said things that have hurt you, or has been holding onto things you’ve done that hurt her – work to reconcile past wrongs by speaking about them together. In the event your wife has consistently mistreated you, you need to strongly consider why you want to get back together.
It is incredibly hard to deal with separation, particularly when you aren’t ready to let go. However, you may simply need to do so. Speak with close friends and family members about how you’re feeling. They will remind you that you are loved (likely without even saying it), and help you work through the emotional turmoil of separation.
Remind yourself that her attitude towards you depends on your current behavior. Calmness is both more mature and more attractive than any behavior that might qualify as craziness. Remove yourself from a conversation or location when you feel yourself begin to slip emotionally.
After you’ve called once or twice and she hasn’t returned your calls, leave her a voicemail or text saying you’re hoping to hear back from her soon. Quit calling and texting. Try not to worry about what she is doing. Don’t allow yourself to imagine worst-case scenarios. Recognize that she may simply need some space.
Demonstrate your confidence and independence by acknowledging the current distance between the two of you, and stepping back before doing anything that might make things worse.
