Even though it may sound restrictive, boundaries can help you be more spontaneous. Since you already know what your partner is comfortable with, you know what to avoid so they don’t feel uncomfortable.
Every person and relationship has unique boundaries and different expectations for what makes them happy. [5] X Research source
You might set a boundary of having alone time for 30 minutes every day so you can focus on one of your hobbies.
You may have a boundary where you ask if your spouse is ready for a serious discussion to make sure they’re in a good mood. You could say that if you start feeling tensions rise in an argument that you’ll take an hour to calm down before continuing the discussion.
For example, your boundary may be that when you start feeling envious, you start working on something productive rather than bringing up your feelings to your spouse.
You may decide that if your spouse and their parents have issues, you’ll let them work it out on their own.
You may ask your spouse to let you know ahead of time when their parents are stopping by. You might decide that you spend certain holidays with your family and other holidays with your spouse’s family.
You might set a boundary not to talk about your sex life with anyone outside of your marriage. One of your boundaries could be not to post about any relationship issues online. If you have an issue in your relationship, let your spouse know first so you don’t talk behind their back.
You may set a boundary to have your spouse ask if you’re in the mood before they start doing anything sexually. As another example, you may tell your spouse that you do not like certain positions or actions that they do.
You may ask for your spouse to let you know when they’re spending time with someone one-on-one. You might set a boundary that you have to tell your spouse why and when you’re talking with a new coworker or friend of the opposite sex.
For example, you may value having some alone time, openly communicating, and spending intimate time with your spouse. Think about the times in your relationship where you felt the most love and joy. These are usually when your spouse respects your boundaries, even if you haven’t explicitly said them yet.
For example, you might feel uncomfortable about the way you and your spouse handle disagreements or how they intrude in your personal life.
For example, you could say something like, “I feel stressed out when I don’t have time for myself when I come from work,” or, “I get uncomfortable when we start shouting whenever there’s a disagreement. ” Your partner won’t be able to make any changes if you aren’t honest with them about your feelings. If something bothers you, don’t be afraid to speak up.
For example, you might say, “I deserve to be respected, so if you hurt my feelings, I will call you out on it and let you know how what you said makes me feel,” or, “I want to work through solutions calmly, so if you yell at me while we’re discussing something, I will ask you to leave and cool down. ” Consequences don’t have to necessarily be bad. For example, a consequence of getting into a heated argument might be stepping away for a few minutes before resuming the conversation.
If you have conflicting boundaries, you may need to come to a compromise that works for both of you. For example, if you want more time to yourself and your spouse wants more time together, you may compromise on having a scheduled date night.
