For instance, if you and your sibling have vastly different opinions on how to educate your children, you might say something like, “I know you love your kids very much, and I love mine. I respect your right to do what you think is best for your family, and I hope you’ll respect my decision too, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. " If there are issues you need to address, like dividing up chores in your household, sit down and plan out how you can have that conversation in a healthy, productive way. However, sometimes it’s best to let smaller things go without worrying about them too much.
In addition, avoid participating in hotly-contested debates on social media, like commenting on political discussions. People have more of a tendency to be unkind when they’re typing words rather than saying them to someone’s face, and you might find yourself getting wrapped up in a heated argument that will linger with you for days. [4] X Research source
For instance, instead of confronting a coworker after they make a snarky comment about your lack of experience, you might tell yourself something like, “Ray might not see why I’m qualified for this job, but he’s not the one who hired me. I just have to keep doing my best, and I know I’ll get the hang of it. "
At first, it might be difficult to stop the argument, even after you recognize that it’s happening. That’s okay—it will take some practice to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. You might create a phrase that you can use to remind yourself when this is happening, like, “I’m arguing with myself again,” or “This argument isn’t real right now. "
You might also go for a walk outside, talk to a supportive friend, solve a crossword puzzle, or play a tough video game. Don’t just do a menial task like washing the dishes—your mind will still be free to keep going over the argument while your body does the work. Try breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 4 seconds. [8] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. Try doing guided imagery or performing body scan meditation. [9] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.
For instance, you might allow yourself an hour after dinner to practice an upcoming difficult conversation or play through an old one. This is similar to the way people with anxiety sometimes designate a specific time of day just for worrying.
For instance, if you keep replaying the time a coworker implied you’re not good at your job, you might think about why that really hurts. Are you insecure about your ability to do your job, or maybe bothered because you don’t feel like you’re recognized at work?
For example, if you’re replaying a conversation where you were having a hard time getting your point across, you might say something like, “I feel frustrated that I wasn’t able to explain myself,” or “I felt anxious during that argument. " You might notice reactions in your body, too, like, “I’m feeling unheard and my face is burning. “[13] X Research source Don’t judge your emotions—they’re not good or bad, even if they’re positive or negative emotions. Your feelings are normal, and understanding them can help you figure out how to move forward.
You can write in a journal, for instance, or you might write a letter to the person you’re arguing with in your head. You don’t have to give the person the letter if you don’t want to—just addressing your thoughts to the person can help you feel a lot better. [16] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. However, if you think reading the letter might help them understand you better, feel free to give it to them.
Many counselors now offer telehealth services, so you may be able to speak with someone without ever having to leave your home. You could also talk to someone you trust, like a parent, a close friend, or a school counselor.
For instance, if you need to talk to a coworker, you might say something like, “Hey Carol, can I borrow you for a minute before lunch? I just want to clear the air after the meeting last week. " Wait until you’re feeling completely calm to start the conversation. [19] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.
For example, you might say, “I have a couple of things to say, and I’m honestly not that great at talking about myself. It might be harder for me to explain myself if you interrupt me, but if you’ll give me a few minutes first, I’ll definitely welcome your input when I’m finished. " Be sure to listen respectfully when it’s the other person’s turn to talk, too.
This can be really hard sometimes, especially if you find yourself getting emotional. However, it might help if you take slow, deep breaths to compose yourself if you start to feel emotional. If you get too upset, it can be hard for the other person to focus on what you’re really saying—they may get caught up in minor details or hone in on the fact that your voice is raised.
For instance, instead of saying, “You were really rude to me yesterday,” you might say, “I felt hurt after we talked yesterday. " You might say, “When you talk over me in conversations, I feel small, as if my voice doesn’t matter. “[24] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. Don’t use “I” statements as a way to camouflage an attack. For instance, don’t say, “I feel like you’re a big jerk. “[25] X Research source
For instance, instead of arguing about the other person coming home late, explain that you feel worried and disregarded if they don’t let you know they’re running behind. Try to stay focused on the issue at hand. Don’t bring up everything from the past that’s ever happened, even if it’s very similar to what you’re upset about. [27] X Research source
For instance, if you’re disagreeing with someone over who’s responsible for a project at work, you might say something like, “I know we both have the best interest of the company at heart. We just have to find a way to work together on this. "
If you still have unresolved feelings, try looking for another way to express them, like writing them down or talking to someone else.
Even just taking a few deep breaths can help you regulate your emotions. The great thing about this is you can do it anywhere, even during a conversation, without anyone else noticing.
For instance, you might notice the way your shirt feels against your skin, the sound of the air conditioner, the smell of a candle in the room, the taste of a mint you just ate, and the pattern of the shadows on the wall.
In a professional setting, you might have a mantra like, “This is a work issue, not a personal one. "
This can help the other person feel more relaxed as well.
