You should still be respectful of other people’s needs and schedules, but you shouldn’t avoid making your own needs or concerns known just to accommodate someone else. For example, instead of saying, “I would like to speak with you for a few minutes if it isn’t too much trouble,” tell someone, “We need to talk about a plan for our assignment today. What time works for you?” Establishing Boundaries goes hand in hand with expressing needs. Try to clearly communicate your boundaries to others. For example, if someone at work keeps bothering you and interferes with your ability to complete tasks, say “I have a hard time focusing on the tasks I need to complete when I am interrupted. Perhaps you and I could meet before lunch to discuss everything you want to tell me. ”[2] X Research source If your value system and priorities are not straight in your mind, it may be difficult to articulate them to others. Make sure you figure out exactly what you want, need, or think before you express it to others.
For example, instead of saying, “You always make it difficult for me to do my job,” try saying, “I need better resources to do my job properly and efficiently. ” Think about what you want and need, and try to focus on that. Don’t spend time blaming someone else. Blame comes off as more aggressive than assertive.
If, for example, a client asks you about a project that is beyond your job duties and expertise, tell them, “I cannot do that for you right now, but I know a specialist in another department that may be able to help. Let me get their phone number for you. ” While it’s nice to offer an explanation for why you’re saying “no,” it is not required in order to effectively communicate in an assertive manner.
Eye contact is important, but try not to stare. Blinking and glancing elsewhere are natural. Staring at someone, on the other hand, may come off as aggressive or intimidating. For your posture, keep your back upright and your shoulders held back slightly. You should not be tense, but you should be mindful of your body and its composure. Try not to close yourself off. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed, and keep your face from furrowing or scrunching as much as you can. Be aware of muscle tension in your body. Stretch slightly or take deep breaths to relax your muscles.
For example, if you’re talking to someone about an assignment you don’t want to do, say, “I think I’ll need to spend a full month preparing for this,” instead of, “This thing is going to take forever. ”
For example, when asked to go out for happy hour after work, avoid saying something like, “I can’t go tonight, I have to go to the grocery store, stop by my mother’s house to let her dog out, then take my own dog for a walk and once I finally get home I have some cleaning to do before my favorite show comes on. ” Instead, politely and briefly decline by saying something like, “No thank you. Tonight doesn’t work for me, but maybe another time soon. ” This may also make it easier for others to obey your requests. Keep your statements short, direct, and relevant. If you tend to use fillers such as “like,” “um,” or “yeah,” try to take small breaks in your speech instead. A pause is generally less discernible to your audience than it is to you, and it doesn’t muddle your speech as much as filler words.
If you have someone act out your conversation with you, ask them for feedback. Let them tell you what you were doing well, and where you could improve. If you are uncomfortable with making decisions on-the-spot, have some pre-scripted answers that will work in multiple situations. For example, “I need to consult with my spouse, I’ll get back to you. ” or “That won’t work for me, I already have a commitment. ”
Ask yourself questions like where did you show assertive communication? Were there chances for you to be assertive that you missed? Were there times when you tried to be assertive but came off aggressive?
You can, for example, let someone know, “I understand that you are concerned about the cost of this product. However, the time it saves us in preparing our reports will more than offset the initial cost. ”
If you struggle to calm down, take a break. Politely request to be excused so that you can step away from the situation and regain self-control.
For example, you might say something like, “I’ve respected that you need to be home by 8:00 p. m. to take care of your kids, but many times you’ve failed to respect my need to spend mornings alone with my wife by coming to my home so early. If you won’t respect my wishes, I’m afraid we won’t be able to spend time together anymore. ”
Let someone know, “I know it was hard for you to give up your weekend to finish that project. I really appreciate all the effort you put in. We wouldn’t have been able to do it without you. Let me know next time you’re leading a project and I’ll do all I can to help. ”
If, for example, your co-worker keeps taking supplies from your desk without asking, don’t just say, “I wish I had more pens, but someone keeps taking mine,” when they are near you. This is a passive approach. Instead, confront them directly and say, “I get frustrated when you take my supplies because it inhibits my ability to do my job correctly. I’d prefer you request your own pens from now on. I can show you where the supply room is if you don’t know where to get them yourself. "
If a telemarketer won’t stop calling, for example, stop them before they get to their sales pitch and let them know, “I know you are doing your job, but I am not interested in your product. I’d like to be removed from your list immediately. I will escalate this situation if you call me again. " Then, follow through with direct action by writing down the name and number of the person and company that called you. If they call again, you can ask to speak to their manager or report the company to a overseeing body like the FCC. You can also take direct action by blocking the phone number and/or ignoring the phone call.
If you want to ask for a raise, for example, tell your boss “I’d like to discuss a salary increase. My metrics consistently outperform everyone else in the department by 30% and I want my hard work reflected in my paycheck. My goal is a 7% increase. Is this something we can make happen?” Give the other person a chance to respond and enter into a respectful negotiation. Demanding rather than requesting is an easy way to lose the thing you want.
