You might say, for example, “Mom, Dad, I know that you don’t care for my fiancé very much. But I’m not sure why. Could we talk about it?” Or, you might directly say to them, “Could you tell me why you don’t like my fiancé?”
You don’t have to hide this from your fiancé, though; say something like “I’m going to talk to my parents about why they seem to dislike you. I think it will be best if we bring you into the discussion a little later. ” Listen carefully and calmly to what your parents have to say. Find out if the problem is finances, prospects, attitude, background, beliefs, or some other factors.
Try to talk at a neutral place like a restaurant or a park. You all may be less likely to get upset in a public place like this. You might tell your parents and your fiancé, “We’re all going to sit down and talk about this situation so that we can work it out. ” Be calm but firm in your insistence that your marriage plans will not be derailed and that an accommodation must be reached.
For example, you could say, “You guys raised me well and I hope you can trust that I’ve thought this decision through. I know that I’m making the right choice and that I’m planning for a successful future with my fiancé. ” Or, you might say, “I know that you want the best for me. If you give my fiancé a chance, I’m sure that your feelings will change. ”
You might say something like, “I know that there are difficult feelings on both sides. Let’s just all calm down and take a step back. ” Don’t let yourself get dragged into an “It’s them or me” ultimatum; keep saying “I love each of you deeply and I know we can work this out, or at least learn to tolerate one another. ”
For example, you might have to tell your fiancé, “I know you really like my parents, but they don’t care for you very much. I hope that will change some as they get to know you. ” Or, you might need to tell your parents, “I know you don’t like my fiancé, but we are in love and are planning to get married. I don’t want this to come between us. ” The truth will come out eventually, so it’s best to stay ahead of things and address problems before they fester.
For example, you might tell your parents, “I know you may never fully embrace Jamie. But we’re going to all be a family soon no matter what, so we need to sit down and work out a way to manage our problems together. ” In some cases, letting your parents get to know your fiancé better might help; in others, it may be best to limit contact to necessary, defined situations.
Say something like, “Mom, Dad, this is my decision to make and your disapproval will not change it. I’m sorry you can’t accept the person I love, but I love you too and always will. ”
If, for instance, you’re having a civil ceremony because your fiancé doesn’t share your religious background, and this upsets your traditionalist parents, don’t try to force them to come. Tell them something like, “Remember, the ceremony is at 2 o’clock at the courthouse. I’ll make sure there are seats for both of you if you decide to come. And I really hope you do. ”
For instance, go to family gatherings alone sometimes, or be clear beforehand that the two of you can only stay a set amount of time. You should also plan an exit strategy ahead of time in case things go sour quickly.
For instance: “You’ve probably noticed I’ve been feeling down about my parents’ refusal to accept you. Can we talk a bit about it and see if we can come up with any ideas?”
Watch signs that your partner is stressed, sad, or feels guilty about the issue, and also be mindful of the signals you are putting out. Are you acting like your fiancé’s partly to blame even if you keep saying “It’s not your fault”? Talk and listen openly and honestly. [10] X Research source
Talking with a therapist can help reduce the stress created by the unpleasant reality of your parents’ disapproval. You can also engage in stress-reduction strategies with your fiancé by doing things together like exercising, meditating, trying yoga or deep breathing, or taking up relaxing hobbies. The therapist will use their judgment on whether to include your parents in a session or two. Sometimes an outsider can connect with parents better in this kind of situation.
