Isolating you from other family members and/or friends, such as by never allowing you to spend time with friends or other family members. Criticizing you constantly about trivial things, such as your appearance, your manners, or your choices. Threatening to hurt you or threatening to hurt him or herself, such as by saying, “I will kill myself if you don’t come home right now!” Giving conditional love and acceptance, such as saying, “I only love you when you keep your room clean. ” Keeping score of your past mistakes, such as by listing off mistakes you made in the past as a way to make you feel bad or to get you to do something. Using guilt to get you to do things, such as by saying, “I spent 18 hours in labor to bring you into this world and you can’t even spend a few hours with me?” Spying on you or otherwise not respecting your privacy, such as by searching your room or reading the text messages on your phone when you leave the room.
Some ways that you can begin to think about your actions are to look in the mirror and talk to yourself. Play out different scenarios that are likely to happen with your parents and practice responding the way you have decided that you will respond. This makes it easier to be in control when the time comes.
To force your parents to change would be similar to the control that they are trying to assert over you. If you remind yourself of this, you will be forced to accept that they can make their own decisions about changing.
If you still live at home (especially if you are a minor), then building distance might be hard. However, you can set boundaries between you and your parent. Seek help from a school counselor or teacher.
Try saying something like, “I am sorry that you are upset. I understand how that might be upsetting. ” Keep in mind that things may get worse with your parents before you start to see any improvement. However, it is important to maintain your distance and avoid being drawn in by threats. For example, if your mother threatens to kill herself if you do not come over, then tell her you are calling 911, hang up the phone, and follow through. Do not rush over to her house or give in to her demands.
This can be hard for minors also, but not impossible to do in small steps. Even if you don’t pay your own rent and utilities, try to earn your own money for extra outings that you would like to do. This doesn’t mean your parents have to say yes, but having earned the money to go to the movies eliminates one more barrier that a controlling parent can use.
Physical abuse, which includes slapping, punching, restraining, burning, or injuring you in other ways. Emotional abuse, which includes name-calling, humiliation, blaming, and making unreasonable demands. Sexual abuse, which includes fondling or touching in inappropriate ways, sexual intercourse, and other sexual acts.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is not about the other person. It is important for your own emotional well-being. By forgiving your parent, you are choosing to let go of the anger you feel towards him or her, but you are not saying that what your parent has said or done to you is okay. [9] X Research source To forgive someone, you will need to make a conscious choice to let go of the anger that you feel. One way to do this is by writing a letter to your parent that you do not send. In the letter, express your feelings honestly about what happened, why it angered you, and why you think that your parent did these things. [10] X Research source Then, close your letter by writing something to the effect of, “I am not okay with what happened, but I am choosing to release my anger about it. I forgive you. ” You can also say this out loud to yourself.
Rather than saying “You took away my rights as a person,” a more constructive thing to say might be “I felt as though I had no right to be my own person. ”
For example, you might decide that you might consult your parents about major career decisions, such as what college to attend or whether or not to take a job offer. However, you might leave them out of more personal decisions, such as who to date and whether or not to marry someone. You could also refuse to weigh in on certain issues that your parents bring up to you, such as love life issues. However, you might decide to offer your support if a parent is dealing with a major medical issue, such as cancer or heart problems.
When a problem arises in your relationship with your parents, using team-building speech may be helpful. [13] X Research source Try saying something like, “I respect your boundaries, but I feel like you might not always respect mine. What can we do to ensure that both of our needs are being met?”
Using humorous language can also be an effective way to deal with controlling people. [14] X Research source For example, if your parent is constantly criticizing your career choice, then try making a joke about it by saying something like, “Note to self. Career does not please mother. Got it. Anything else?”
Try saying something like, “Our relationship is important to me, but I think we might need some help to have the best relationship possible. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me?”
