There are a lot of very negative stereotypes about autism, which can be scary, especially to people who don’t understand autism well. Remember that lots of the things you have heard are worst-case scenarios, things that can be helped and improved over time, or blatant lies. Stay away from Autism Speaks and other groups that use scare tactics as a fundraising technique. They tend to exaggerate the negatives and often don’t have your best interests at heart.
Look for autism-friendly communities online. [1] X Research source Remember, autistic people are a very diverse group (just like non-autistics). You will read from people with a variety of abilities, needs, and traits. Don’t only read from non-autistic people’s descriptions of autism. Go directly to the source. Focus on things written by autistics, and use things written by loved ones and professionals as supplementary material. (Emma’s Hope Book has a list of blogs and books written by autistic people, which is a good starting point. ) Try starting with wikiHow’s autism articles.
There’s a growing community of people who believe that autism is a form of diversity—not a disorder. [2] X Expert Source George Sachs, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 October 2020.
Learn many new skills they don’t have yet Develop career skills Live partially or completely independently Make friends Enjoy hobbies and passions Find a lifestyle and routine that suits them Lead happy lives,[8] X Research source even if they can’t do all or any of the above things
What is helpful for one person may be unhelpful for another. What’s true about one autistic person may be untrue about another. There is no one-size-fits-all way to help yourself or a loved one. You just need to try things, use common sense, and figure out what works. Around 1 in 59 people are autistic. [9] X Research source Thus, you’ve probably met quite a few autistic people, without necessarily knowing it. They were all probably very different from each other, too.
ADHD Anxiety Auditory processing disorder Depression Dyspraxia, a motor skill disorder Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a hypermobility disorder Epilepsy Gastrointestinal issues PTSD Sensory processing disorder Sleep disorders
Relieved to finally have an answer Scared due to lack of knowledge, lack of support, or negative stereotypes Sad because some past goals may be unrealistic Happy to let go of self-blame, because autism is no one’s fault Excited by the possibility of finally getting support Worried about the future Confused about what this means A mix of some or all of these
Autistic people usually are late bloomers. [10] X Research source They’ll keep learning and growing throughout life. [11] X Research source They may start making big strides, especially once they are given proper means of communication, put in a comfortable environment, and surrounded by people who presume their competence. Even professionals may jump to worst-case scenarios. [12] X Research source Take their words with a grain of salt. Autistic people can be late bloomers. Scammers tend to target frightened people (especially parents) and say “use my treatment or your loved one is doomed. " That isn’t realistic. [13] X Trustworthy Source Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network Nonprofit organization providing community, support, and resources for Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, and those identifying as other marginalized genders. Go to source Don’t make fear-based decisions, and stay far away from any “treatment” that seems cruel or isn’t scientifically validated.
The good news is that an autism-friendly environment can make life much easier. You or your loved one is not suddenly a new or different person because of a diagnosis; autism is thought to be inborn. An autism diagnosis does not change who someone is; the person was always autistic. A diagnosis just clarifies things, explaining quirks and offering ideas on how to meet a person’s needs.
Intense, passionate interests Out-of-the-box thinking A strong desire to help others Systems thinking Observational skills A strong sense of morality Kindness towards people who are different
Acceptance is a process. It’ll take effort and practice to adjust your expectations and remember not to stress too much over the little things. [14] X Research source Autism acceptance is correlated with less stress in autistic people[15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source and their parents. [16] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Think about good outlets for stimming and high energy. Try setting up a safe area where the autistic person can hide when life gets overwhelming. Identify sources of stress. Are they necessary to have in life? If so, how can they be made easier? Make sure there’s time in the day to recharge, especially after energy-draining events like school, work, social events, or shopping.
If you’re talking about a loved one, be mindful of whether the person is within earshot. You don’t want to confess your darkest feelings only for the autistic person in the next room to hear everything. Try leaving the house to talk in private.
They are easy to understand if you’re autistic. Autistic people find it easier to communicate with each other than with non-autistics. [17] X Research source [18] X Research source It’s nice to have like-minded friends. They can share coping skills and social strategies. Autistic people have firsthand experience with what works and what doesn’t. If you don’t know what’s going wrong, they may have some good insights. They face challenges together. Tackling difficulties in a neurotypical world feels a lot less overwhelming when you have someone else who knows what it’s like. They demonstrate firsthand that it’s possible to be awesome and autistic. With all the negative discourse on autism, it’s easy to forget this. They accept you or your loved one, full stop. There’s no judgment.
If you’re having a rough day or are feeling down about autism-related problems, go to the autistic community. They write many things that help. Consider getting involved in advocacy groups. Some autistic and other disabled people dedicate their time to fighting stigma and shame. Find a group that is run partially or completely by autistic people. [19] X Trustworthy Source Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network Nonprofit organization providing community, support, and resources for Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, and those identifying as other marginalized genders. Go to source Non-autistics are welcome to ask questions under #askanautistic, and read from #actuallyautistic (although it is rude to post in it if you are not actually autistic).
If you are feeling a lot of negativity about a loved one’s diagnosis, and you think that your struggles might be affecting your loved one, get help now. You owe it to both yourself and your loved one. Sadly, not all counselors are understanding about autism. Some buy into the pity narrative and act like families are victims of the autistic person. Stay away from any counselor who treats you or your loved one like a burden.
Autistic children, while different, are still children who have their own gifts and skills. [22] X Research source These will become clearer and clearer as they grow up. Your child has a lot to offer. Remember that most of the bad things you have heard about autism are negative stereotypes. These have carried over from past negative perceptions, when autistic people were institutionalized, tortured, bullied, and treated very terribly. While some of this continues, society come a long way, and knowledge and understanding have greatly improved the lives of autistic people.
Welcome to Holland and Fido’s New Kitten are two short pieces for parents about unexpected diagnoses. Read them both. Multiple people and organizations have put together resource lists for parents of newly-diagnosed kids. Try starting with The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism’s “13 Necessary Next Steps for Parents” or Miss Luna Rose’s Autism Resource List. [23] X Research source [24] X Research source
Autistic people with more accepting environments tend to have better mental health outcomes. [29] X Research source A caregiver’s job is to help them be their best. That means you need to learn how to get past emotional hang-ups, readjust your expectations, educate yourself on autism, and advocate for your child. Self-blame isn’t healthy for either of you. [30] X Research source
Look for therapies that will increase your child’s coping abilities, and give them new skills. Avoid compliance-based therapies and fad “treatments,” as these can harm your child. Don’t forget your own needs! See if there’s a support group for parents that you can join, or a group that provides parenting advice catering to special needs. Your mental and emotional health are important both to your child and to yourself.
Do autistic adults (such as autistic parents of autistic kids) attend? Do they seem happy and comfortable to be here? Do group members routinely blame and shame themselves or their loved ones? Are group members interested in helping their kids, or do they just want to play the victim?[31] X Research source Do conspiracy theories about vaccines, modern medicine, or other things get passed around? Is the focus on fighting autism, or do they make peace with autism while seeking to help? Do they hate autism?[32] X Research source Would you be okay with people talking about non-autistic children this way?
Autistic people who don’t hide their autistic traits have better mental health. [36] X Research source
If your loved one feels positively about autism, this is a sign of healthy self-esteem. Tell a child that they’re autistic before they enter school. Autistic kids may figure out quickly that they’re different. If you tell them about it first, you can set the tone and help them understand that there’s nothing “wrong” with them. [37] X Research source Since accurate and accepting media about autism is hard to find, you can also point out characters who seem to display some characteristics (without an official diagnosis). For example, “Do you see how she loves computers and asks her friends to understand how others are feeling? I think she’s kind of autistic, just like you!” Say this with a positive tone of voice, so your child knows that it’s okay to be autistic. A few autistic role models (official or not) may greatly improve your child’s self-esteem. Older kids, teens, and adults may benefit from reading articles on autism. You can direct them towards wikiHow articles such as How to Accept Your Autism or towards the autistic community online.
If your loved one feels positively about autism, this is a sign of healthy self-esteem. Tell a child that they’re autistic before they enter school. Autistic kids may figure out quickly that they’re different. If you tell them about it first, you can set the tone and help them understand that there’s nothing “wrong” with them. [37] X Research source Since accurate and accepting media about autism is hard to find, you can also point out characters who seem to display some characteristics (without an official diagnosis). For example, “Do you see how she loves computers and asks her friends to understand how others are feeling? I think she’s kind of autistic, just like you!” Say this with a positive tone of voice, so your child knows that it’s okay to be autistic. A few autistic role models (official or not) may greatly improve your child’s self-esteem. Older kids, teens, and adults may benefit from reading articles on autism. You can direct them towards wikiHow articles such as How to Accept Your Autism or towards the autistic community online.
Brainstorm coping strategies together.
You don’t need to hover. It’s okay to sit quietly or do a chore in the next room while your loved one lines up objects nearby. [41] X Research source It’s okay to let them watch a little parent-approved TV. [42] X Research source Enjoy quality time that isn’t focused on a lesson. Be willing to just explore, chat, hang out, and have fun. Take a break if you’re overwhelmed. Behave the way you’d want your loved one to do: Say you need a break, step out, breathe deeply, and do a relaxation exercise or two. Don’t try to meet unrealistic expectations. It’s normal for autistic kids not to meet their milestones at the average times. [43] X Research source Some milestones might come early, and some might come late. Throw out the standardized calendar, and instead focus on what the child can do, and on what they are ready to learn to do. Don’t worry about what the next-door neighbor’s kid is doing.
Reduce stress for your child as much as possible. [46] X Research source Create a stable routine. Predictability can reduce anxiety. Presume competence. Assume that they’re capable and focus on letting their abilities shine. [47] X Research source Listen carefully to them. Autistic brains work differently, so if you’re non-autistic, you’ll have to try harder to understand. Making the effort is important. Focus on empathy, not control. If they’re behaving imperfectly, try to figure out what’s bothering or stopping them, instead of trying to make them behave. Focus on positive feedback for positive discipline. Be forgiving. When they make a mistake, talk to them about how to handle it (now or next time). Encourage them to express wants and needs, from “I’m scared” to “I need a break” to “I want to do this more often with you. "
