You might feel guilty or nervous about sharing conflicted feelings with your adopted family, but try to put these feelings aside. You don’t have to hide your feelings and struggle with your emotions on your own. [2] X Research source Try telling your adopted parents, “I’m feeling strong emotions about being adopted, but please don’t feel hurt that I’m sharing them with you. I want to be honest about my feelings, and talking to you about them is helpful. "
It’s normal to feel shocked, sad, or angry if you found out about your adoption as a teenager or adult. Talk to them when you’re calm, and be honest about your emotions with your parents. When you approach them, try saying, “I understand that you might have had your reasons, but I wish you’d have told me when I was younger. I feel upset that you kept me in the dark about something so important for so long. " Give them the opportunity to explain why they didn’t want to tell you. Ask, “Can you tell me about your reasons for not telling me? It would help me see things from your perspective. "
In addition to written sources, you can also check out documentaries and films about being adopted. [5] X Research source Search online, at your local library or bookstore, and on your video streaming service for media related to adoption. You can also find stories and media at http://www. adoptionbeat. org.
Find a list of US support groups organized by state at https://americanadoptioncongress. org/support_grps. php. If you’re hesitant about joining a support group in person, you could participate in an online support group or social media page.
A counselor can help you understand and process your emotions. Seeing one might be helpful if you’re concerned that grief, fear, and anxiety might affect your ability to form friendships and intimate relationships. Don’t feel ashamed if you experience any of these feelings and want to get help. Many adoptees experience powerful emotions and have difficulty trusting others completely.
You might feel conflicted or left out if you have siblings who are the biological children of your adopted parents. Remind yourself that, despite your unique backgrounds, you and your siblings are part of the same family and have equal standing. [9] X Research source All sibling relationships are complex. If you have a conflicted relationship with a sibling, it might be helpful to talk to a family counselor together. [10] X Research source
It might feel strange to be sad about losing something or someone that you never knew. This feeling of grief is called ambiguous loss, and is a common experience of adoptees.
When someone passes away, you know who you’re grieving and why you’re sad. These aren’t so clear with ambiguous grief related to adoption. Try to put what you’re feeling into words. For instance, say or think to yourself, “I am sad that I don’t know who my birth parents are,” “I regret that I might have siblings I’ll never know,” or “I am upset that I don’t know about my ethnic background,” or “I feel bad that my birth parents experienced the struggles that led to my adoption. ”
Using memorials and rituals can help you acknowledge your grief, make it less abstract, and reconcile your sense of loss with the gratitude you feel for your adopted family.
You don’t need to know who your birth parents are or send the letter to anyone. Writing can help you define and vent your emotions.
Not knowing details about your past doesn’t change anything about your present. You have family and friends who love you, talents, beliefs, and goals. Celebrate these aspects of your personal history instead of dwelling on what you don’t know.
While regularly telling the adoption story is especially important for children, it also benefits teens and adults. The type of adoption agreement between your biological and adopted parents will impact how much information may be available. Closed adoptions, for example, may provide less information regarding your biological parents.
Remind yourself of the people, qualities, and beliefs that help shape who you are. Try making a mental or written list of your core values, such as honesty and generosity. List your talents and interests, such as telling jokes, running track, or playing the piano. It might be helpful to think about how grateful you are for your adopted family and how they’ve helped you become who you are. Keep in mind many adoptees feel obligated to express gratitude. Strike a balance between being grateful and allowing yourself to experience conflicted emotions. [17] X Research source
You might not be able to find answers to some of your questions, and some of what you learn might be difficult to process. However, finding out what you can about your birth parents can help you learn about yourself. Try not to feel guilty for thinking about your birth parents. If you feel awkward about it, talk about it with your adopted parents. Tell them, “I hope you understand that being curious about my birth parents doesn’t change how I feel about you. ”[19] X Research source
Learning about your birth parents’ cultural heritage could be helpful, but it’s okay if you don’t want to explore those traditions. Some adoptees find embracing an unfamiliar culture uncomfortable. [21] X Research source
Searching for and communicating with a biological parent is a complex, emotional endeavor. It’s best to talk to a counselor before and during the process. Ask your adopted parents if your adoption was open, closed, or mediated. In an open adoption, there are open lines of communication between the adopted and biological families. In a mediated, or semi-open adoption, families exchange information through a caseworker or lawyer, but maintain their privacy. In a closed adoption, there is no contact between the families, and neither can access identifying information about the other.
