This may sound like a bummer, but think of it as an excellent way to judge the father’s character. Whether he’s a widower, divorced, or otherwise estranged from the mother, imagine that you’re the mother in this situation. Ask yourself if he’s acting as responsibly toward his child as you would expect him to act toward your own. If he’s showering you with time, money, and attention while neglecting his kid, consider that a red flag. Remember this is only temporary. Look forward to becoming an equal member of the family as you gradually integrate over time.
Ask the father early on about the family’s history. Learn about both the child and the mother before you meet them: their character, their interests, their strengths and weaknesses, etc. Use the father’s answers to better understand the man you’re dating. For instance, while he may have criticisms about the mother that are perfectly valid, be wary if he places 100% of the blame for everything that’s ever gone wrong entirely on her. Judge for yourself how well he’s able to assess a situation objectively and accept responsibility for his part in it.
Think positively! While it’s important to be realistic about the situation that you’re entering, don’t let challenges and stress dissuade you from pursuing a future with the father if you think it’s worth it. Remember that challenges met and overcome can be rewarding experiences in their own right.
At the same time, consider the fact that you’ll have a partner who has prior concrete experience with things that, for now, are only hypothetical for you personally. Whether it’s committing to a long-term relationship or having another child, you’ll have a partner with more intimate knowledge about the situation as a whole and what to expect, as well as more self-knowledge about his own capabilities in that situation.
If you’re only seeking a casual relationship, let the father know. If he’s fine with that, continue to date without involving yourself at all in the child’s life. If you want to keep things casual but he wants more, or if you’d like to pursue a deeper relationship as well but feel way too daunted by the circumstances, let him know that there’s a conflict of interest here. Tell him that, while you like him just fine, the situation is simply too much for you. Don’t allow yourself to be backed into a situation that you can’t handle. If you’re willing to commit to a long-term relationship and become part of the child’s life, find out as much as you can about what you’re walking into. Ask other people in similar circumstances about their own experiences. Seek professional help about what to expect. Find out more about the child and their mother, both from the father and from any other mutual acquaintances you may have for a more rounded view. Every situation is different, so learn as much as you can about your own before taking the bigger plunge.
Due to learned gender roles, widowers and male divorcees may often finding themselves lacking in certain parental skills possessed by the mother. [13] X Research source To compensate, the father may hope for you to step in and fill the mother’s role, whether or not he’s even conscious of it. Make it clear to him that his duty is to learn these skills himself and not merely replace the mother with you. [14] X Research source
If their current relationship is openly vicious, brace yourself for the extra drama and stress that this will undoubtedly add to your own relationships with the father and his child. [17] X Research source If their current relationship is quite friendly, politely but firmly establish yourself as the father’s new partner. Appreciate the fact that the two have a prior intimacy that may inform their interactions, but don’t be afraid to speak up when you believe either one has crossed a line. [18] X Research source
Even if she’s a negligent or otherwise poor parent, remember that her status as mother will never change. Don’t feel obligated to respect the woman, but do respect the fact that she will always play some sort of role in both the father and child’s life.
Also be aware that the child will feel more loyalty toward their mother than they will toward you. [21] X Research source Earn their respect by always treating their mother with courtesy.
Choose a low-key setting to meet. Keep it casual as opposed to a formal setting where you would be clearly identified as the father’s “date. ” Pick a time and place that are both clearly part of the father and child’s time together, rather than a date between yourselves with the child in tow. Plan to make a brief appearance and then exit by yourself, leaving them alone together, so that your presence comes across as incidental. Avoid leaving the child with the impression that you’re “taking Daddy away. ”
Demand support from the father. Remind him that while your role is to support him as a parent, his role is to be the parent. Don’t allow yourself to be backed into the position of being the disciplinarian by default.
