Write down your thoughts. It will be helpful to get it all out on paper. Writing down your thoughts is therapeutic and will help organize your emotions in a way that promotes stress reduction. [1] X Research source Practice saying your concerns out loud. Don’t worry about being perfect. If it is from your heart, that is what matters. [2] X Research source When you talk to someone who may overpower you with their negativity, being prepared is a good way to combat the urge to be negative as well. [3] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
Talking in public places might be beneficial. The person is less likely to get upset for fear of being embarrassed. Align as many positive things as you can to set the stage for positive communication. Perhaps you could go somewhere that you both enjoy, or you could stay at home and have a great dinner.
Approach the subject positively by saying something like, “I really appreciate the things you do for me and I really want you to be happy. I get the feeling you’re not happy with me based on some of the things you say. ” This will start things off. If his first response is negative, try to stop him by saying, “I want to talk about this peacefully because I’m concerned about it; and if we need to change something, then we need to listen to each other. ” Diffuse his response with calm, focused discussion. If he can’t respond without getting aggressive or agitated, then simply say, “Maybe we can talk about this later. ” If he is absolute in his demeanor then you have got a more serious problem on your hands. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way. Do what you can to get to a safe place. He may respond with an open ear and show you his genuine concern. This is your opportunity to let him know how you feel about being criticized. Don’t be afraid to tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you concerned about your relationship and its future. Keep telling him that you love him and show your support for what he has to say.
If a person is always complaining or being critical about most things in life it may be due to something that happened to him earlier in life. There could be an event or a tragedy in a person’s life that makes him behave this way. You may find out that he is very unhappy with his job or with an unrelated issue that has nothing to do with you. If he thinks his life is bad because of these things, he might be taking it out on you. He may be resenting you for not being perfect. You need to remind him that you aren’t perfect, you weren’t when you met, probably never will be, and neither is he. Insecurities about job performance, financial independence, and physical performance can all contribute to a person’s constant complaining and negativity. [8] X Research source Depression may be at the root of the problem and needs to be dealt with accordingly. He might feel the world is against him and you are part of it. You need to separate yourself from that association and reassure him that you are on his side.
Be diplomatic. Having a keen sense of fairness will help get your work done. Listen and be heard. It is common knowledge that you cannot listen and talk at the same time. You need to be able to listen to what she has to say; and you need to feel that you are being heard. If you don’t feel you are being heard, then tell her. Don’t interrupt. Show your respect for the process by not interrupting. If she interrupts you tell her something like, “I’m not going to interrupt you when you’re talking because I want to hear what you have to say. Please let me talk without being interrupted so you’ll know exactly what I’m trying to communicate. ”
Do not compromise your values. Be clear that you are not willing to go against your values. Be specific about what you consider deal breakers. If she constantly berates your grandmother behind her back, which erodes the value you place on your family, tell her. Always tie your needs and wants back to helping the relationship. Confirm that all you want is to be happy and for her to be happy.
Take notes and if she asks you why you’re doing that, tell her you want to make sure you don’t miss anything she says. Read back your notes to her and ask if you got everything correct. Add anything you missed or anything she would like to add. If she indicates something she wants and you know you cannot agree to it simply say, “I can’t agree to that. It’s not reasonable to me. Perhaps we can take some time to think about other options and find a compromise. ”
If she continues to be negative tell her, “I’m trying to focus on the positive so we can solve this problem. It’s easy to be negative. Being positive is hard, but that’s what I’m going to do. ”
Review the items on both your lists. Let her know that you agree to make the changes, if she agrees to make the changes too. It is acceptable to say things like, “I’m willing to commit to you and this agreement. Tell me how comfortable and willing you are to commit to making things better for us. ” Reassure her that you are doing this to make things better for both of you and your future together.
Things will improve if you remain focused on your goals. If things aren’t going well, don’t give up. Discuss the matter and agree to move forward making adjustments if necessary.
If you try to let something go and it continues to eat at you, then you likely need to process more feelings about the situation. This may include additional chats with your spouse, or going for a hike to physically work out your emotions. It can be upsetting if someone tells you to “just let it go” if you haven’t reached a level of resolve about the matter. Take a deep breath and say, “I’m working on letting it go, but I’m not there yet. ” Once you settle into a feeling of balanced perspective, you will see that some things are worth getting upset about, and some are not.
Making it through tough times together can result in a deeper desire for commitment. Your spouse may realize the pain he has been causing and might feel guilty. He may want to show you that he is sorry for what he has put you through. Let him.
Remember, negative people drain us of our energy so it needs to be replenished. Activities such as exercise, dancing, yoga and golf are only a few ways to recharge your batteries. [14] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
If being positive was easy, everyone would be doing it. There is a lot of dissatisfaction in the world and many people like to express it without permission. You don’t have to listen to it.
A temporary separation might actually save your relationship. This might provide the right amount of distance that allows you both time to determine the relationship is worth saving. [15] X Research source Psychologists and psychiatrists are available in your local area and can be located through the American Psychological Association [16] X Research source and the American Psychiatric Association. A mediator will serve as a neutral party and attempt to facilitate a resolution for both of you.
