Avoid phrases like, “I don’t know about this” or “Maybe we shouldn’t”. Your meaning can be misinterpreted. You might say, “When I say no, I mean it. Don’t keep asking me or trying to change my mind. If or when I am willing, I’ll let you know. With a spouse or partner you could try, “When you ask me to have sex so often, I feel pressured and uncomfortable. Please stop. " If they keep pushing, keep saying ‘no’. This is called the “broken record” technique. The person can’t continue pressing without looking like an enormous jerk.
Stand up (or sit up) straight and tall. Hold your head up and relax your shoulders. This posture will increase your confidence. If you need to, take a step or two back to put some physical space between you and the person. Look the person in the eyes. Without smiling, speak using a clear, calm, firm voice.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom or to get a bottle of water. If you go back to the situation, keep some physical distance between you and the person. Lying isn’t usually recommended. However, if it is the only way for you to get away from someone that won’t stop pressuring you for sex, then lie. You might glance at your phone and then say, “I have to go. My mom just texted me to come home. ”
Make sure your actions match your words. Saying ‘stop’ while you continue to kiss the person back sends mixed signals about what you want to do. If you want to have sex, be clear about it. If you’re not sure if you want to have sex or definitely don’t want to do it then be clear about that, too. Talk about it beforehand to make sure that you are both on the same page. For example, if you enjoy playing hard to get, talk to your partner and set up a safe word to use when you really don’t want sex.
Try to have the conversation in a place that is private, quiet, and where you won’t likely be interrupted. Put your electronic devices on vibrate or turn them off. Don’t just talk. Also, listen to what the other person is trying to tell you. Let them explain why they are pressuring you and how they feel about the situation. Ask questions to make sure you understand what they are saying and what they mean. For instance, you might say, “So, you’re saying my actions make you think that I want to have sex?” You may want to come to an agreement for what you do when your partner wants their needs met and you aren’t in the mood and vice versa. It helps to be clear about your expectations as well as theirs.
You could tell a friend, “I honestly don’t feel that I’m ready for sex at this point in my life” or “My religion is important to me. I want to wait until marriage. " If it’s your spouse or partner, and you normally have a sexual relationship with them, you might try, “I’m not feeling very sexual because of all the stress I have. ” You don’t have to keep explaining yourself over and over, though. Once you’ve explained it, the person should respect you and stop pressuring you. Definitely consider giving at least a brief explanation to a partner you care about; if you don’t they might feel confused and rejected.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “Whether I have sex or not, I am an attractive, cool person. ” Make a list of all the good things about you that don’t involve sex. For example, you might write that you are caring, good-looking, and athletic. Do things and spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself.
Make a journal entry about what sex means to you. Describe what feelings you think should go with it and when you think it’s okay to have sex. Make an honest list of reasons you don’t want to have sex (right now). For example, don’t write ‘I’m too busy’ if the real reason is that you aren’t comfortable with your body right now. If you’ve been shamed and ridiculed by others in the past, you might be avoiding sex solely to avoiding potential rejection. Write about how your beliefs and background have influenced how you feel about sex. For example, your religious or spiritual beliefs might affect how you view sex.
Make a list of sexual and intimate situations and put a check (or smiley face) beside those you are okay with doing. For example, you might be okay with kissing, hugging, and cuddling, but not want to do anything past that. You could tell your partner, “I like it when we hug and cuddle. I want to keep doing that. But I’m not ready to move past that. ”
If the person is continually making sexual comments that make you feel uncomfortable and you have told them to stop, it can be considered harassment. You could say to the person, “What you are doing is uncomfortable and is sexual harassment. You need to stop. ” If possible, avoid the person or leave the area when they come around. You shouldn’t change your life for this person, but you can deal with them by limiting your contact. Say to your teacher or boss, “I need to talk to you about someone that is bothering me. I think it is sexual harassment. ”
Even if you had sex with the person before, if you say ‘no’ this time, the person should stop. Just because you said ‘yes’ once, doesn’t mean you always want to have sex. Immediately tell someone you trust what has happened. If you are nervous or afraid about reporting it, then ask them to be with you when you report it. Try to report it to the authorities as soon as possible. It will be easier for the authorities to investigate and handle. Talk to a professional like a crisis or trauma counselor. They can help you deal with your feelings about what happened and move on past it.
Don’t blame yourself and don’t try to keep what is happening a secret. The best way to deal with it and get it to stop is by telling someone you trust what is going on. They can help you make it stop. Go see a therapist or counselor to help you cope with the abuse and learn how to recover from it.
