Make a list of all the feelings you can identify. Be sure not to categorize these feelings as good or bad, such as in a pros or cons list. Just write them all out. Feelings are not “good or bad”; they all have a purpose. For example, your feelings toward a coworker or acquaintance might include bewildered, respectful, offended or exasperated. Your feelings toward someone close to you, such as your best friend or a family member, might include: love, disappointment, annoyed, comforted, and so on.
You may find that the feelings you identify are not because of who that person is or their relationship to us, but rather the situation you were in with them, or something specific they said or did. For example, you might go on a first date and have a good first impression. Then your date takes you to a party where you do not know anyone, and you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious. In this example, the situation or unfamiliar environment made you feel uncomfortable, not necessarily the person as a whole.
This is even more specific than identifying the situation. Think back to the moment you felt a certain way. Identify what was said or done immediately prior. For example, if you remember feeling rejected during a date, you might recall that you noticed your date moving away from you during a walk. This may have been the source of your feeling of rejection. Next to each emotion and situation on your list, write down what you think the source of the feeling was.
For example, if you have low self-esteem,[2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source you may not feel worthy of this person and therefore you won’t let yourself commit to a relationship.
Think about people in your life that made you feel a similar way as you feel now toward this new person. See if you can identify a similar pattern.
Feeling: Bewildered Situation: I was praised by a friend for a project I completed, but this same person criticized me an hour later. Possible choices: Approach the friend, keep it to myself, talk about it with my parents, start school gossip, tell the situation to my teacher, etc.
Choice: Approach friend about the issue Possible consequence: Friend becomes offended Possible consequence: Friend receives the message well Possible consequence: I feel vulnerable telling how the situation affected me Choice: Keep it to myself Possible consequence: The problem will continue Possible consequence: The problem may go away on its own Possible consequence: It will continue to bother me Choice: Talk to my parents about it Possible consequence: I will feel better about the situation Possible consequence: Nothing at school changes
In the friend situation, for example, starting school gossip would probably not be ideal. The consequences could be painful or could jeopardize your relationship with other friends. At this moment, maybe you would like to start by keeping it to yourself. Maybe your friend had a bad day and took it out on you. Perhaps you were feeling sensitive that day. Be ready for the consequences you listed above.
Additionally, if you find that a person or situation brings up feelings from the past, you will want to seek a professional to help you sort through your feelings. A therapist can help you identify complex emotions, even the emotions that are hard to admit. A therapist can aid you in obtaining the necessary skills to approach others in a productive way that is respectful to all parties.
