Understand that masturbation is natural and healthy. Studies by the Kinsey Institute suggest that 90% of people with penises and 64% of people with vulvas masturbate, but these numbers probably under-report its frequency because so many people are still ashamed to admit they masturbate. [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source One of the most common is that there is a “right” way to achieve orgasm. This is untrue. Many people’s bodies respond to stimulation in different ways; some people may orgasm mainly through clitoral stimulation, while others prefer stimulation of other areas. Don’t feel guilty if something feels good for you that may not for others (or vice versa). [4] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Many people choose to use sex toys when they masturbate. This is healthy and normal. [5] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source If you do so, make sure to read all the instructions and use a disinfecting cleaner to keep toys clean and safe. [6] X Research source Masturbation releases endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood-boosters. They can relieve feelings of stress and anxiety, which are major culprits behind sexual frustration. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Orgasm also results in the release of dopamine and oxytocin, which can help you relax and get better sleep. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Experiment on your own with a variety of techniques. Find a place that is comfortable and learn about how your body responds to things like touch, pressure, penetration, and physical exertion. If masturbation is something you feel uncomfortable with for religious, philosophical, or personal reasons, talking to a therapist may help you to safely overcome any feelings of guilt or shame if this is a method you would like to pursue.
For example, some people may think they don’t actually have orgasms because their orgasms are more mild than what is shown in movies or pornography. [10] X Research source Remember to focus on enjoying what you feel, rather than comparing yourself to outside ideals or standards. Avoid thinking about what other people are doing. Some couples may worry that they aren’t having a “normal” amount of sex, which can cause frustration even if they enjoy what they do have. Some individuals may feel that their desires or needs aren’t “normal,” which can lead them to feeling unfulfilled because they are afraid to act on them. While you should not judge yourself or your partner(s) for their desires or needs, remember that all sexual activities should be between consenting adults. Activities that harm others or violate another person’s rights aren’t acceptable. If you are concerned about your desires or needs, speak with a mental health professional. Even sexual desires and practices aren’t “typical” such as BDSM, can be performed in a respectful, healthy way. You may find it helpful to seek instruction or guidance in how to perform certain practices in an ethical manner.
According a survey, about 75% of people in the United States are unhappy with their bodies. [12] X Research source Many people are constantly bombarded with images of what their bodies “should” look like. Reject these unrealistic stereotypes and focus on finding things to love about your body, whatever it looks like. Surround yourself with positive people who love and care for you. Having friends and loved ones who show their care for you and accept you on your own terms can really help you boost your own confidence. Own your gender identity and sexual orientation. Feeling guilty or conflicted over your sexuality, whether it’s your sexual desires, orientation, or anything else, can cause immense frustration. Accept that you enjoy what you enjoy. You’re attracted to whoever you’re attracted to, and be whoever you truly are. Don’t let anyone judge you or tell you that you should be different. Take yourself out on dates. Part of learning to accept yourself is to see yourself as someone worth spending time with and doing nice things for. Take yourself out to a romantic dinner for one. Go see a romantic movie by yourself. Take a long walk on the beach. Bring a good book to the bar and buy yourself a few drinks. Remind yourself that you are valuable and desirable. [13] X Research source
The inability to achieve orgasm after stimulation is called “anorgasmia,” and it affects many people. Sometimes this condition is caused by physical conditions, and sometimes it’s psychological. Consult your doctor about possible causes, and ask about whether mental health treatment could be appropriate. [15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Although sex therapists commonly work with couples, many sex therapists also work with individuals. Sex therapy can be provided by psychologists, social workers, physicians, marriage and family therapists, or other counselors with specialized training. You can find a licensed sex therapist by consulting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists[17] X Research source or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research[18] X Research source . You may also find it helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist about other areas of your life – you’d be surprised what can affect your sex life. Sex therapists do not have sexual interactions with their clients. In fact, therapists are ethically prohibited from making sexual or romantic advances toward their clients. If this happens to you, report it to the Board of Behavioral Sciences in your state. Discussing your sex life with a professional may always feel a little awkward, but you should feel like your therapist listens to you (and your partner, if both of you go) without judgment. If you feel like your therapist isn’t listening to you or is being judgmental, it’s a good idea to seek out another therapist. [19] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is another common treatment for sexual difficulty. It can help you identify and challenge unhelpful ways of thinking about yourself and sex that could be causing you frustration. [20] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Discussing your needs can seem awkward at first, but it can actually be a good way to bond with your partner. Find a time to talk when you’re not likely to be distracted or interrupted. Both of you should feel like you’re focused on what your relationship needs, and that’s not likely to happen if your favorite TV program is on or you’re exhausted from work. [22] X Research source Use honest, clear terms. Euphemisms are often a sign that you’re uncomfortable talking about your body and your needs. Unfortunately, euphemisms can also muddle your meaning, so that your partner doesn’t understand what you’re asking for. Don’t feel embarrassed to use appropriate terms when talking about your body and your desires. “vulva,” “fingering,” “penis,” or “oral sex” aren’t dirty words. [23] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Discussing your needs isn’t just for people in long-term relationships. Singles and people in casual sexual relationships can also benefit from open, honest discussions of needs and desires. Give feedback during your sexual activities. Don’t judge or pressure your partner. Instead, say things like “I like that” or “That feels good there. ” Avoid using words like “don’t;” instead, say things like “It feels better when you do this” or “I prefer it when you do this. ” This communication can help your partner understand and meet your needs.
Use “I”-statements. These help communicate that you’re talking about your own needs, not trying to shame or blame your partner. For example, “Lately I’ve been feeling like when we have sex it’s really predictable and disconnected. I’m not feeling as connected to you as I’d like. ”[25] X Research source Invite your partner to share their feelings. Make sure that your discussion doesn’t become one-sided. Sex with a partner is a mutual experience, so ask open questions about what your partner likes, desires, and experiences. For example: “What do you feel makes our sex life meaningful to you?” or “What ways do I touch you that you enjoy?” Helpful questions don’t assign blame or close off avenues for exploration. [26] X Research source Never try to manipulate or guilt your partner into sex. You may feel as though your sexual frustration is a sign your partner doesn’t care about your needs, but the reality is probably not that simple. Using ‘guilting’ language, such as “If you really loved me you would ____” does harm to your relationship. Avoid it. Instead, use those “I”-statements and keep the focus on how you feel: “When ____ doesn’t happen, I don’t feel as attractive or desirable. ”[27] X Research source
Change up your routine. If you usually wait until the end of the day to initiate sex with your partner, try switching it up one day and having sex in the morning or even on your lunch hour. This can be particularly helpful if you get tired in the evenings. Remember: there’s no right or wrong time for you and your partner to enjoy each other. Whatever works for you is what you should do. [29] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Schedule sex. It may seem like scheduling sex kills the romance, but in fact 80% of married couples schedule time for sexual interactions. [30] X Research source Scheduling can not only ensure that you remember to take time for each other, it can give you something to look forward to. [31] X Research source
Doing other types of sexual activity together that you don’t commonly do, such as mutual masturbation, can help reinvigorate your sex life. You may also wish to incorporate sex toys or implements. These can be particularly helpful if one partner has difficulty achieving orgasm. Things like erotic stories and images can be exciting for couples if both partners enjoy them. It can help you discover each other’s fantasies and build a sense of shared experience. However, if one of you feels uncomfortable with these things or doesn’t enjoy them, don’t coerce your partner into doing them. [33] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Think about activities you can do together that are erotic but don’t involve intercourse. This can help break you out of a “rut” and expand your “toolbox” of enjoyable experiences. For example, you could incorporate “sensate focus” into your love life. This is a counseling technique in which you focus exclusively on giving and receiving erotic touch without the goal of achieving orgasm. It’s all about the journey, not the destination. [34] X Research source Some people often express feeling satisfied with sex, even when it does not result in orgasm, and they may experience pleasure from sex as a way to express their emotional connection to a partner. [35] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Don’t allow a focus on orgasm to keep you from fully participating and enjoying whatever activities you decide to do.
Scheduling sexual encounters, as mentioned earlier, can help you with this step. If you know Friday night is your “date night,” you’ll probably find it easier to get “in the mood” and make a conscious decision to get aroused. [37] X Research source While for many people, sexual activity is fairly linear (desire, arousal, orgasm), others may experience sexual response in a more cyclical fashion. They may experience these phases in a different order, or they may not experience one or more of these phases at all. Thus, it can be especially important for people to become physically aroused before their desire kicks in. This difference in the sexual response cycle is not a justification for attempting to get a woman to have sex when she doesn’t want it. If someone says “no” to sex, they mean no. Don’t press.
For example, if your partner has an erotic fantasy that you don’t share, you could offer to hold them while they masturbate, use phrases in the bedroom that may be reminiscent of that fantasy, or read an erotic story about that fantasy to your partner. Don’t do anything that makes either of you uncomfortable, though. Most studies show that adults think about sex about the same amount. Don’t assume that you know what your partner wants or needs: ask. [39] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
For example, consider pursuing a hobby or recreation together. Working together to achieve a goal, even if it’s just learning to cook a new meal together, can foster a sense of intimacy and shared purpose. Focus on taking time to express your appreciation and love for your partner each day. Be as specific as possible so that your words convey that you’re really focusing on something you love about your partner. For example, “That blue sweater of yours is one of my favorites because it brings out your beautiful blue eyes” or “I really appreciated your making dinner for the kids tonight so I could go to my book club. I love that you understand and work to meet my needs. ”
Any exercise is good, even yoga, weight training, and standard cardio. Not only is it good for you mentally, but physically to boot. [41] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Consider painting, cooking, at-home DIY projects, candle or pottery making, taking up an instrument, carpentry, woodworking, or any hobby at all that appeals to and gets you in the zone. You’ll be cultivating a talent, too!
Some people are a little wary of the idea of phone sex or something similar. This may be something you have to ease in slowly with your partner. Start with small steps telling you how much you miss them and how you want to touch them and watch it flower from there.
Erectile dysfunction is a common cause of sexual frustration not only for people with penises but their partners too. Heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and certain prescriptions can all interfere with a person’s ability to achieve and maintain an erection. Age is another very common factor in sexual frustration for all genders. Sexual dysfunction becomes more common in adults as they get older. [45] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source Your doctor may be able to help you find treatment options that relieve your issues.
Sleep apnea may be a disruptor, especially for people who are overweight. [47] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source If you frequently wake up tired and don’t feel rested even after getting enough sleep, consult with your doctor about possible treatment options.
Try yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises to help relieve daily stresses.
The brain is the biggest sexual organ in humans, and it has to function properly for your sex life to be happy and healthy. Clinical depression is often caused by chemical imbalances that can affect your libido and ability to perform sexually. Depression can also often cause feelings of personal worthlessness or sadness that can interfere with your ability to feel sexually desirable. Getting help for your depression can also help you overcome these feelings, allowing you to feel more desirable and experience more desire yourself. [50] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Some antidepressant medications may also interfere with sexual desire. If you’re taking antidepressants and experiencing unwanted sexual side effects, speak with your doctor. Never stop taking or alter your dosage on your own. [51] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Studies have shown that nearly every area of the body can function as an erogenous zone. You aren’t limited to your genitals. Incorporate all your senses. Remember that sex is about more than just genital contact. Involve your senses of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste into your sexual experiences. You may also benefit from incorporating techniques from tantric sex. Tantric sex involves Eastern philosophies of mindfulness and being in the present moment. It can help you enjoy whatever activity you can experience without worrying about what you perhaps cannot. For example, focusing exclusively on the sensation of an activity or being mindful about your breathing can help you stay “in the moment. ”[53] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
