For instance, your mom may expect you to drop what you’re doing and comfort her whenever she’s upset. Don’t feel obligated to do this. You might say, “I need to finish my homework right now. I’ll come listen to you when I’m finished,” or “I have my own responsibilities to take care of. I can give you 10 minutes, but that’s it. "
For example, you may wish that your parents wouldn’t criticise you for not having perfect grades. They likely won’t stop this behavior, so it may be better to ignore them. Then, talk to your teacher about the efforts you’re putting into the class and let them give you positive feedback.
As an example, let’s say your dad says, “I can’t believe I have such a lazy child. ” While your feelings may be hurt, question the accuracy of what he said. List the reasons why it’s not true, such as “I work hard in school,” “I keep my room clean,” “I do well at my job,” or “I’m pursuing a goal. ” Tell yourself something like, “I know I’m not lazy because I work so hard at school. ”
For example, you might not tell your parents that you’ve started seeing someone new or that you’ve had a disagreement with an old friend.
For example, excuse yourself to the bathroom, pretend like you’re getting an important call or text, or tell them you have somewhere to be. You might say, “Oh, no! I forgot that I have to do a group project today. I’ve got to get over to Sarah’s house so I don’t get a bad grade. ” If you can, ask someone to help you, such as a partner, sibling, or friend. Use a code word for when you need out of the situation, then have them offer an excuse.
If you’re living at home, your boundaries might include, “You can’t yell at me,” “You can’t call me names,” and “You can’t interrupt my study time to take care of your needs. ” Your consequences might be that you’ll refuse to respond to yelling, you’ll put in your earbuds, and you’ll lock the door to your room while you’re studying. If you no longer live with your parents, you might set boundaries like, “You can’t call me when you’re drunk,” “You can’t verbally abuse me,” and “You can’t stay in my house if you’re yelling. ” The consequences might be hanging up on them, taking a break from your relationship, and asking them to leave your home.
You might say, “When you yell at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel afraid. From now on, I’m not going to tolerate your yelling. If you yell at me, I’m going to lock myself in my room and put in my earbuds. ”
For example, if you told your parent that they cannot call you when they’re drunk but they do it anyway, hang up as soon as you realize they’re drunk. Similarly, if you told your parent that you’ll walk out if they start to criticize you, leave the room as soon as they start doing it.
For example, you might hide in the bathroom and call your aunt. You might tell her, “My mom is screaming at me and banging on the door. Can you please come help?” It’s possible that the first person you talk to won’t understand how serious the problem is. If this happens, reach out to someone else.
Identify places you can go to be alone if you still live with them. For example, you might hide in the bathroom or create a comfortable cubby in you closet. If you can, make arrangements to spend time with other family members or with your friends.
Don’t set a time for how long you can grieve. Give yourself as much time as you need.
You might say, “I forgive you for the past. In the future, I hope our relationship will be better. ” You don’t have to tell them you forgive them if you don’t want to. You might prefer to write it in a letter and then destroy the letter.
Look for a therapist who’s experienced in dealing with toxic family dynamics. If you’re still living at home, ask your parents if you can start seeing a therapist. If they say “no” or you’re afraid to ask, talk to your school counselor.
If you struggle to keep up with your hygiene, make that part of your routine, as well. Make it a habit to brush your teeth twice a day and bathe every day. Additionally, wash and dry your clothes once a week. This might be hard if you’re depressed about your situation or if your parents didn’t teach it to you, but things can get better.
Meditate for 10 minutes. Write in a journal. Exercise. Play with your pet. Color in an adult coloring book. Use aromatherapy. Make some art.
It’s normal to grow and change as you get older, so check in with yourself often to make sure you’re happy with the path you’re on. For instance, you might decide to pursue a college major that interests you instead of doing what your parents want. Similarly, you might decide that you don’t want to have children even though your parents expect grandchildren.
Only you know what is right for you. Listen to what others have to say, but know that it’s okay for you to make the choice that works for you.
