If you’re disappointed because your teen keeps making the same mistakes, have some compassion and recognize that your teen is still learning a lot and nowhere near being an adult yet. Part of being a teenager is learning through failure and mistakes. Frame the negative experiences in their lives as learning opportunities.
If your teen is asking for permission to do something you’re inclined to say no to, hear them out. Say, “I’m not comfortable with this, but I want you to show me that you’re responsible enough to go to this concert with your friends. ” Likewise, say, “I gave you freedom and you weren’t prepared for it, so we need to scale back now. ”
If your child does break your trust, take away a privilege and have them earn it back. For example, if they stay out long after curfew, say they cannot drive for one week, and they must earn the use of the car after that by showing they can be responsible with time.
Keep a journal of how you feel when you’re upset. This can help you blow off steam and reveal patterns in you or your child’s behavior.
Discuss these boundaries with your teen, and let them have a say in how they work. They are more likely to follow rules that they helped establish. Put boundaries and rules in writing so that there’s no confusion as to what’s expected of your teen. Have the teen sign off on the agreed rules. If they break the rules, you can bring out the signed document. For example, you may decide that your teen is not allowed to do extra activities without completing their chores or housework. If your teen makes a request, say,, “Oh, that sounds fun, but you never did your chores this week. I’m so sorry you can’t go. " Make it clear that they can go once their chores are complete.
Do not become a dictator. This can cause your teenager to rebel and become resentful. If they do something wrong, don’t criticize or insult them as a person. Simply state the facts and the consequences as agreed upon previously. Assign your teen more housework or take away privileges (such as television time or computer time) as a consequence. Consider setting rules and their accompanying consequences beforehand. That way, when your teen breaks a rule, they know what they did and what consequence will result.
Consider your teen’s strengths and limitations. If your teen is naturally messy, it may be unreasonable to demand a spotless room. If your teen needs some chillout time after school, let them do so before starting their homework.
Let them know it’s not worth fighting over petty things. Using empathy in your voice, develop one-liners, such as, “I bet it feels that way” or, “I know this is difficult for you. ” Avoid yelling at your teenager. If your teenager has done something they are not allowed to, explain calmly and rationally what they have done and why it broke the rules. Teenagers may need some space to handle conflicts, especially if they are upset or stressed. Often emotions can get in the way of rational thinking. Try to pick your battles, and let them calm down before you discuss a conflict.
Learn to make compromises with your teen. That way you retain much of the control and neither of you will end up completely dissatisfied. If your teenager doesn’t talk to you, communicate through texts or notes. You don’t have to get upset with them; just show that you’re available.
Even if the time you spend together is just walking the dog once each day, it’s still quality time with your teen you may look back on fondly. Understand that as your teenager gets older, they may want to spend more time with their friends and less with their family. Don’t force them to do family activities. Plan activities that they genuinely want to do, and respect their personal boundaries.
Sometimes loneliness (or any other issue) can trouble teens and can impact their exam marks negatively. Don’t immediately punish them. Instead, understand and support them so that they don’t experience loneliness, isolation, or some other negative feeling from the parental side either. Don’t belittle or discount your teen’s problems as being unimportant or caused by hormones. Their problems and struggles seem big to them.
Show respect by speaking calmly and listening to your teen. Increase their independence and let them know that you trust them. Give them responsibilities and let them show you that they can come through. Don’t forget to praise them for what they do right. Recognize their efforts when they have done well in school, sports, social activities, chores, or family events.
If they win any awards, make a big deal out of it and take the whole family out to dinner in their honor. These are easy, fun things you can do for your teen that will cement a lifelong healthy relationship between the two of you. Sometimes teenagers may want to celebrate in ways that don’t include the whole family. Make sure that when you celebrate, you celebrate in the way that they choose.
Having your teen’s friends over at your house means that you can casually monitor what they’re up to and make sure they’re being safe.
Unconditional love and acceptance is the greatest gift you can give them, one that will not only boost their confidence to face another day, but will also steer your relationship with them in a positive direction.
Sometimes, acting out can indicate inner turmoil that needs attention. Take any drug use or alcohol use seriously. Not only is it illegal, it is more dangerous because their brain is still developing.
Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see that you’re upset” or, “Wow, that must have really hurt you. ” Help your teen find ways to cool down or control their anger and emotions. Have them write in a journal, listen to music, go on a run, or punch a pillow.
Set up an appointment with their school counselor or psychologist. You can also see a private therapist to help your teen adjust and deal with their problems by calling your insurance provider or local mental health clinic. Take your teenager’s issues seriously. Do not brush them off as normal teen angst. Many lifelong psychological problems begin during the teenage years. It’s best to seek treatment early to prevent problems from getting worse.
If you’re unsure what to do, call emergency services and they can help direct you to get the care you need. They may advise you to take them to the emergency department or to watch your teen closely.
