For instance, you might detach if your relationship has soured due to a recent change in you and your partner’s routine. You might both just need time to readjust. If you and your significant other are constantly at odds, or in an on-again-off-again pattern, consider detaching. When tensions die down, both of you can reach a better decision about whether or not the relationship should continue. Don’t detach before you have tried seriously to fix the issues in your relationship. Detachment should only be employed if you are on the verge of breaking up. [2] X Research source
Abstain from sexual contact during this time.
If you have decided that your relationship is over, use the perspective gained in your detachment to compassionately end your relationship. [5] X Research source
If you are not on good terms, you can just block or unfriend him or her. Depending on the website, you may be able to temporarily block notifications from the person without changing your status as “friends. " However, if you are worried about obsessively checking their material and getting bummed out, you should either shut down your account or drop them as “friend. "
You don’t have to vilify your partner. Just remind yourself that the two of you were not having an easy time of it and that if it hadn’t ended, it might have gotten worse. If you are having trouble remembering what went wrong, try writing down every weak moment of your relationship. Read it over and allow yourself to grieve. [8] X Research source
Say “I resent that I always paid for our meals out” or “I am still angry that she or he never asked me what I wanted,” or “I’m ashamed that I lost my temper with her instead of hearing her out. “[9] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source Write a letter. You do not have to share it with your ex, but you can if you wish. Write out how you have felt and how you feel now. Forgiveness does not mean condoning anything that happened in the relationship. Rather, it means letting go of the anger that clouds your mood and harms your health. [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
If you are miserable, try visiting a therapist. It doesn’t have to be forever, but if your breakup has plunged you into a depression, or if you are feeling urges of self-harm, talk to a professional.
If you feel overwhelmed by the feelings of others, or feel that your self-image comes entirely from other people, you need to attend to your boundaries. [14] X Research source If you often say “yes” to things you don’t want to do, set boundaries. Pay attention to your senses. Do you have a feeling that something is wrong? Do you have an unpleasant sensation in your stomach or chest? This may indicate that a boundary wants to be asserted.
Choose with whom you discuss your life. If you have a parent, friend, or partner who is controlling, don’t give them fodder by sharing information with them. Say you will only discuss a topic if you are given no advice (and no orders).
You can communicate boundaries verbally or non-verbally. As a simple example, when you need someone to give you space, you might stand up, look the person in the eye, and directly state, “I need some space right now. "
For example, if you set boundaries with an elderly parent you care for who is verbally abusive to you, your parent may stop that behavior once he or she sees that you will not tolerate it.
If someone in your life is abusive or unable to control his or her own anger, enact your boundaries without communication. Take the space you want. Leave if a confrontation is brewing. Put up physical barriers to things you don’t want to be violated. Set a password on your computer and phone, for instance. If you are a caretaker for a parent who won’t respect your boundaries, try hiring someone else to take care of your parent until both of you can calm down and reach a better understanding. [17] X Research source
You might notice that your partner always picks a fight when she or he is stressed about work. On stressful workdays, you can prepare to detach ahead of time by reminding yourself that she or he may be in a bad mood later. If the issue is not between you and one person, but rather between you and one situation, recognize that situation. For instance, you might always start to panic in bad traffic. Recognize that this is a big stressor for you.
Only return when you can name how you feel without feeling a new surge of emotion. [19] X Research source
You can return when you are ready to re-engage. Come back calmly, knowing that your partner may still be upset.
Just as you cannot control another human being, another human being cannot control you. Recognize that the only power another individual has over you is the power you give him or her.
Putting things in an “I” perspective can shift your thinking, allowing you to separate yourself as an individual from the situation. This separation can actually help make you more emotionally detached from the other people involved. This “I” language can also help defuse a tense situation because it allows you to convey your feelings and thoughts without being accusatory.
For example, if you need to detach yourself from emotional stress at work, take a few minutes to meditate or unwind as soon as you get home. Alternatively, take a few minutes during your lunch break to do something you enjoy doing, like reading or taking a walk. Entering into your own private bubble, even for a few minutes, can give you the balance and steadiness you need when you return.
Part of loving yourself means taking care of your needs and goals. If you have a goal that requires you to continue your education, you may need to take the necessary steps to do so regardless of whether those around you—your significant other, your parents—agree with your decision. However, be prepared to do it alone. Loving yourself also means finding your own sources of happiness. You should never completely rely on any one person to make you happy. If you feel like your partner or another person is the only source of your happiness, recognize that you need to set better boundaries.
