For example, you might see your child picking up their blocks and putting them away. In this case, you could say, “Wow, you’re doing a great job putting your toys away. Thank you!”
For instance, if you see your child throwing food at your pet, you’ll need to stop them immediately. Putting them in a safe time-out place like a high chair or crib will stop the behavior and also give you time to clean up or make corrections to the situation as needed. Do not send your child to their room. Doing so will create a negative association for the child by linking their bedroom with punishment.
For instance, do not allow a child into the office or near the stairs when you’re home if your partner does not.
For example, if the child keeps trying to open the kitchen cupboard door, then you could redirect them to a favorite toy.
Squat down to your child’s level when explaining a rule or situation to your child. Stay calm. [5] X Research source Do not yell or scream at your child. Keep in mind that your child does not have the cognitive capabilities to distinguish right from wrong, or understand many rules. Yelling at your child will not help them understand the situation, it will only scare your child. When you feel frustrated, try to take a few deep breaths, inhaling for three to five seconds, then exhaling for an equal amount of time.
For example, after you have explained to your child that they must wear an old shirt or apron before they start to paint, you might just remind them by saying, “What special thing do you have to put on before you can start painting?” After a few times, changing into an old shirt or apron should become automatic for your child.
For instance, if you tell your child not to watch TV until after they eat dinner, but they turn the TV on anyway, you might discipline them by making them take a time-out. If they watch TV before dinner the next day, make them take another time-out. Administering the same punishment for the same offense every time ensures your child will get the message that you are displeased with their behavior.
For example, if you set a rule that your child must clean up their toys right after they finish playing and they want to know why this is the rule, then you might say something like, “Because it is important to take care of your things. By leaving your toys out, there is a chance that someone could accidentally step on one of them and break one of your toys. But if you put your toys away, then you can keep them safe from those kinds of accidents. ” Explain your rules in simple language. After you give a child a rule, make them repeat it back to you in their own words. Prompt them to tell you what you asked for by asking, “Do you understand?” If they say that they do, ask “What do I want you to do?” If they can, in their own words, successfully explain your expectations, then you’ve crafted a good rule and explained it to your child adequately. If your child cannot explain a rule back to you accurately, perhaps your rule is too complex. Try a simpler rule and let them grow up a bit before instituting rules which they cannot reproduce in their own words.
For instance, if your child says repeatedly, “I want to play outside,” but it is time for dinner, you need to insist that they can only play outside when you allow it.
For example, if your child starts drawing all over the walls, they might not know that such a behavior is inappropriate. You might rightly be upset that your child has engaged in such a behavior, but try to empathize with your child and look at the situation from their point of view. If you have never set a clear rule that it is not okay to draw on the walls, then your child may not have known that drawing on the walls was inappropriate. When your child does act inappropriately, make it clear that you do not want your child to repeat that behavior. Offer a substitute activity, such as drawing on a piece of paper or in a coloring book instead of drawing on the walls. You could also get your child to help you clean the mess up. You do not, however, need to yell at or punish your child for doing something that they did not know was wrong.
Understanding that most of the trouble your young child gets into is the result of them being naturally curious, not bad or willfully misbehaving. Understanding your child’s mental development will help you see the world from your child’s eyes a bit more, and inspire you to treat your child with greater empathy. Don’t be afraid to say “no. ” You’re the parent and must govern your child’s behavior.
For instance, if your child starts throwing a tantrum in the supermarket because you won’t buy their favorite cereal, then you might ask for their help in finding other items on the shopping list. Or, if your young child is playing near a fragile vase, you should offer them a toy or pad of paper and some crayons to get them to move away from the vase and sit quietly for a bit. This tactic is primarily intended for children aged six to 24 months old but works well for children of up to five years old. [12] X Research source
Choose a time-out location free of distractions like TV, books, toys, friends, or games. The purpose of the time-out is to provide space for the child to reflect on their actions in a quiet moment. A kitchen chair or a bottom stair is an appropriate spot for sitting a toddler up to two years of age for a time-out. [14] X Research source Time-out is a good form of discipline when a child has broken a rule or done something dangerous. For instance, if you’ve told your child not to play in the street and they do so anyway, send your child to time-out. Don’t speak to your child when they are in time-out. [15] X Research source If you have a moralistic message you want to impart to your child, wait until they have completed the time-out. Even if your child starts crying or wailing, don’t acknowledge your child until the time-out is through. Alternatively, try a time-in. Time-ins can help your child feel better and know what they did was wrong. Take the time to talk to your child, and let them cool down if they get angry.
For young children, especially, ensure that you take away privileges as soon as you notice the undesirable behavior. This creates an association in the child’s mind between the behavior and the loss of the privilege. Do not take away privileges for a long time. Children at a young age often lack the long-term concept of time that older children and adults do. Taking a young child’s toys away for a week might seem fair, but the impact will be lost after several days.
For instance, praise a child who shared a snack with a friend, even when they were not asked to do so. Reward your child with a piece of candy or the chance to watch their favorite show longer than they normally might. Choose a reward which corresponds proportionally to the positive behavior the child demonstrated.
For example, if your child does not put their bike away after they are done riding it, then it is possible that the bike will start to rust or possibly even get stolen. If they leave their bike outside despite the risks, then this might be an opportunity to teach your child about natural consequences. If/then statements are good when explaining natural consequences to children. For example, you could say, “If you leave your bike out in the driveway, then it might get stolen or start to rust. ” Do not use natural consequences in situations that might compromise your child’s safety or well-being. For example, when the weather is cold, do not send your child outside without a coat if they do not want to wear one. Or, if you catch your child playing with matches, do not allow your child to continue playing with the matches. Your child might burn themself or set fire to your home.
For example, if your three year old knocks over a glass of juice, don’t expect them to clean it up all alone. Instead, help your child and say “We need to clean this up now. Let’s learn how to clean up a mess up together. ” Give your child a rag or napkin and insist that your child help you clean up. Show your child how to clean the mess and give your child tips as they do so.
If you do not set a schedule, on the other hand, you will open yourself up to constant negotiation with your child about when an appropriate bedtime, wake-up time, lunch time, and so on. If you have multiple children of vastly different ages, you should give each a separate bedtime. This will not only accommodate each child’s different physiology and natural sleep cycles, but it will also give you private time with each of them when you tuck them in at the end of the night. If your children are very close in age (within four years of each other), though, you might think of letting them have the same bedtime schedules to prevent sibling rivalry.
Ask your child what they are doing in school, and if they have a favorite class. Take an interest in your child’s life. Invite your child to go out with you on errands or family activities like a walk in the park, or even just a walk around the neighborhood. While it can be hard to connect with children at this age, who might have soccer practice or after-school clubs to attend, make time to chat with your child for at least a few quiet minutes each day. Sitting with your child while they are free of distractions right before they go to sleep is a good option. [21] X Research source Model the behavior that you expect. If you say you’ll do something, do it. Don’t use profane language if you tell your child not to. Children copy what they see their parents do; if you act well, you will provide a positive model for your child to emulate.
If your child has their own phone or computer at this age, set limits but allow your child some freedom. For instance, you might forbid using the phone at the dinner table or after a certain time in the evening. Continue to monitor your children at this age. If your child likes playing outside with their friends, you can let your child do so but insist that you or another adult be present to supervise. Work with your child and listen to what they are feeling and thinking. If your child is frustrated by a given rule, acknowledge your child’s point of view and (if reasonable) consider changing the rule to provide greater leniency.
Children at this age can begin to feel intense social pressures, and may begin to experience hormonal changes. These influences can create an emotional cocktail within your child that results in tantrums or tearful frustration. Do not respond to these episodes with an equal volume of emotion. Instead, ask your child to leave the room to calm down. If you’re in your child’s room, ask if your child wants you to leave. Talk to your child about the outburst later when your child has calmed down. Ask, “Do you think your tone and actions earlier were acceptable?” Insist that your child apologize when yelling or succumbing to emotional outbursts. If your child insults you or says “I hate you,” don’t take it personally. Understand that your child is trying to goad you into reacting angrily. Stay calm and later, when your child has calmed down, tell your child that what they said really hurt your feelings. Ask your child if they think they should apologize, but even if they do not, tell your child that you forgive them anyways. Express that you expect them to always be respectful and kind to others – including you – even when they are angry.
For middle or high-school aged children, you might allow them to stay out a bit later than they are normally allowed to when they finish their homework. Good behavior varies depending on the parent-child relationship. If your idea of good behavior is to have your child in bed each night by 9:00, let your child know this in advance. When your child is in bed at 9:00 each night for a week, administer a reward of your choosing, such as a trip to the ice cream parlor or arcade.
Another natural consequence for a tween or teen might be that they got mad and threw their phone. Instead of punishing the tween, inform them that with the phone is broken, and they now have no way of contacting their friends online. Always emphasize to your child how they experienced natural consequences when your child’s actions allow for it.
For example, perhaps your child struggles to catch the bus on time and is thus always late to school. Instead of instituting a punishment (“If you do not get up on time to catch the bus, I will take your games away”), approach your child about the issue with concern. Tell your child, “I’ve noticed you’re having trouble getting to the bus on time. This will affect your grades if it continues. What do you think you can do to get out the door on time?” Your child might suggest setting her alarm for an earlier time or putting their clothes and backpack out the night before. You can help your child come up with ways to get set up, but you should allow them to do these things themself to work on their self-discipline.
Invite your child to think about things they could do which would have produced a more positive result. For example, you might ask probing questions like, “Why do you think you put it off for so long?”, “What could you have done to motivate yourself better?”, “Are you happy with the grade you got? Why or why not?” Asking your tween to think about the outcome of the situation is important to help them realize that they are responsible for their own life. Always ask if there is anything they want you to do for them in the future to ensure that they do not make similar mistakes. Showing your child that you are there for them will ensure that they feel cared for and loved no matter what mischief they have engaged in.
For example, you might let your teen stay out later on weekends. When allowing them to do so, do not vaguely say “Don’t stay out too late. ” Instead, let them know exactly when you expect them to be home. “Be home at 10:00” is a good directive when setting a curfew. When they get their driver’s license, you might let them drive on their own over short distances, then allow longer trips as they gain more experience on the road. Staying connected to your teen can be hard. Teens typically do not want to bond with their parents, but by acknowledging their perspectives and desires, you can help you maintain a strong relationship with them. Bringing your teen into the disciplinary process shows that you respect their burgeoning independence, and they may appreciate this (even if they do not admit it).
If your teen violates one of your hard rules, your response can vary. You should first ask your teen if they know that you’re uncomfortable with the fact that they broke the rule in question. Talk to them in a clear, calm way about why you have insisted upon the given rule. For instance, if you tell your teen not to drink, you might explain before and after they do so that drinking could lead to being taken advantage of, humiliated, or driving drunk and getting seriously hurt or hurting someone else. If your teen refuses to abide by your rules, start with a form of discipline such as grounding and/or taking away a privilege like the car keys, computer, phone, and/or tablet. [29] X Research source
Teens will do better with later wake-up times and earlier bedtimes. Ensure that your teen gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night. [30] X Research source Unfortunately, the school year dictates your teen’s wake-up time for most of the year. Allow your teen to sleep in on weekends if possible. Invite your teen’s feedback on their schedule and ask about their peers’ schedules to see if the one you’ve crafted is too strict. If your teen has trouble sticking to their schedule, type it up and post it in a visible place like on the fridge so your teen can consult it as needed. Let your teen know that failure to adhere to the schedule will result in a particular disciplinary behavior. Always follow through on your disciplinary action after explaining the consequences to your teen.
Removal of privileges works best when the privilege being revoked is in some way related to the offense. For instance, if you tell your teen to stop watching TV and do their homework, and they refuse after being asked to do so multiple times, you would be wise to suspend TV viewing for at least 24 hours. Distinguish between privileges and needs. Restricting access to food and hygiene is never okay, and being kind to your teen is not a privilege to be taken, but rather a necessity for their wellbeing.
For example, if your teen has been finding ways to get out of doing the dishes, then sit down and talk about it. You might explain that everyone has responsibilities and it is important to meet them even if they don’t always feel like it. You might provide an example for your teen, such as “What if I stopped going to work and we didn’t have any money to pay for food or clothes?” You might also explain to your teen why it is important for them to do the dishes. You could say something like, “We all help out to make dinner time a family effort. Your father cooks dinner, your sister sets the table, and I tidy up the kitchen after he is done. Washing the dishes is your part in that effort and we need you to keep doing it. " You might consider asking your teen if there is anything you can do to make doing the dishes easier on them. For example, they might be grossed out by touching the dirty dishes, so you could get a pair of gloves for them to wear. Or, they might feel like it is unfair that they always have to do the dishes, so you could rotate the chores. Instead of always doing the dishes, your teen could rotate between setting the table, tidying up the kitchen after dinner, or perhaps even making dinner for the family.
