Needing to always be together with your partner. Manipulating your partner. Inability to have friendships with other people. Using alcohol and drugs to make yourself feel more comfortable in your relationship. Wanting the relationship to never change. Jealousy or lack of commitment.
Your own health and well-being are important, and you will not be forced to neglect your own needs. You have a right to be treated with respect. You will not be manipulated or forced to do things you don’t want to do, even if the other person is attempting to make you feel guilty. You won’t allow others to yell at you, make you feel bad about who you are or what you are doing, or call you names. You don’t blame others for things that are your responsibility, and you don’t allow others to blame you for things that are not your responsibility. You keep your emotions separate from other people’s emotions, although you empathize with the people you care about. You convey your own needs assertively, and work towards cooperation if possible. This helps maintain mutual respect.
When someone intrudes on our physical space, we feel it internally. It feels awkward and unnatural. When you are in a relationship, make sure you are comfortable with how you express yourself physically with the other person. Have a conversation about what will make you feel safe and loved. [6] X Research source Northern Europeans and North Americans observe the largest personal space distance. People in Middle Eastern countries, South America, and southern Europe have the smallest personal space distance, and touching is common. Eastern cultures consider touching or patting on the back as taboo and offensive.
It is a violation of physical boundaries to go through another person’s belongings without their permission. Even if you are concerned for their safety or suspect that there is a problem, the healthy and respectful route is to approach the person and speak to them. Make sure the other person knows that this has crossed a boundary and is not respectful behavior.
Having a healthy sense of who you are, independent from any other person. Knowing that you have the choice in how you want to feel and your ability to act on it. Being able to monitor how much you share about yourself so that you respect yourself. Being able to say “no” at times when you need to be assertive and true to yourself.
For example, your roommate keeps borrowing your car. She never fills up the gas tank or gives you gas money. You can’t continue to pay for all the gas.
For example, you might decide that you won’t let others take advantage of you and disrespect your time and personal space. For example, you want your roommate to contribute gas money when she drives your car.
For example, tell your roommate in a calm and polite way that you need her to contribute to the car’s upkeep with gas money. If she doesn’t want to do this, then she doesn’t need to drive your car. For example, if your friends have a habit of popping in unannounced and this bothers you, tell your friends that you would like them to call first before coming over. Establishing the boundary also means that in the moment when something occurs (i. e. , someone borrows something without asking), you can address it and let the person know that it is not acceptable. Speak in a calm and polite way. Tell your roommate that you would like her to ask first before borrowing your car.
For example, if your roommate forgets to give you gas money, give a gentle but firm reminder. You may slip and forget, but don’t forget: this is a process. Re-establish your resolve and firmly hold your boundary. You may find that others are resistant to your boundaries at first. If they respect you, they will be willing to adapt. Remember, you are not trying to change others or control them. Your focus is on how you want to be treated. You will communicate this through your words and actions. For instance, a friend still comes over without calling first. To maintain the boundary, you can say, “I’m sorry you came all this way but I am in the middle of a project for work and I cannot see you now. Next time I hope you will call first. ” This strategy politely reinforces your boundary for respect of your time and personal space.
You: “Nick, we’ve been playing video games for hours. I’m tired now and I want to go to sleep. ” Nick: “Oh come on, it’s Friday night. Let’s watch a movie or order a pizza. ” You: “Sorry, Nick. You gotta go, buddy. I’m going to bed now. ”
Give yourself permission to recognize and honor the boundaries that you need to function successfully. When you live your boundaries, others can choose to respect them or not. When they do not choose to respect your boundaries, you have the opportunity to reinforce them in a self-affirming way.
You do not have to allow anxiety or poor self-esteem to prevent you from taking care of yourself. You are not responsible for the way others react to you when you maintain your healthy boundaries.
For example, perhaps you have a friend who stands too close or looks over your shoulder while you are reading your emails. This is a good time to practice asking for more personal space. As you define and establish clear and healthy boundaries, you will find it easier to maintain them. At the same time, you will notice your confidence growing and your relationships improving.
You can still feel connected to another person even when you have healthy boundaries. But you will be able to respect yourself, your time, and your own needs without being enmeshed with the other person. You should feel free to hang out with other people. A healthy relationship doesn’t require that you ask permission to do things. If your boyfriend or girlfriend gets jealous when you hang out with other friends, have a talk that establishes a boundary about your activities.
For example, some coworkers might assume that you’ll answer email at all hours. If you want to save emails for work hours, you need to convey that. If a coworker says, “I’ll email you a draft of the project tonight,” you can respond with, “I’ll be sure to look at your draft when I get to the office. ”
If you’re in a management position, you can help develop these policies to ensure proper boundaries.
Physical abuse: This can include hitting, slapping, punching or other forms of physical harm. Threats of violence: According to the Northwestern University Women’s Center, “healthy relationships do not involve threats. ” Breaking objects: This is used to intimidate the other person and it can be a precursor to physical violence. Using force during an argument: Someone may try to physically restrain you or block the way so that you cannot retreat to a safe place. Jealousy: A jealous person may question or monitor their partner about their activities. Controlling behavior: Someone might be overly involved with your movements to the point that they begin to control appearance and activities. Controlling is evident in interrogating a person on where she has been, what she was doing, who she was with, or why she was late getting home. Quick involvement: The abuser may pressure you into a relationship before a sufficient amount of time has passed to develop feelings and desires for commitment. Isolation: This can include attempts to eliminate your contact with friends and family. Cruelty to animals or children: The abuser will use this as a way to coerce you into doing what he wants without regard for the pain or feelings of the animal or child.
Come up with a code word or phrase that will signal to your support people that you need immediate help. This may be difficult to do if your abuser is tightly controlling your activities and never allows you to be alone. Use your phone or the internet to connect with outside contacts. Have secure passwords so that your communications are private. Have a list or memorize phone numbers of places and people you can go to for help. Know where the emergency room is for physical injuries and help with local resources.
Visit the Domestic Shelters website to locate your nearest shelter.
