Some things that you want private now may change in the future. As your relationship grows and you learn to trust your partner more, you may be more open with them. There’s nothing wrong with being more private at first and slowly opening up to your partner.
For example, listening in on phone calls, looking over your shoulder read texts, or reading your emails may be violations of your privacy. Be specific so you and your partner can understand what each of you need and want. Say to your partner, “There are some things that I would like to remain private. I do not want you reading my texts or emails. These things are off-limits. "
For example, you may say, “Do not look through my texts. That is a violation of my privacy” or “Please do not follow me when I go out. That is distracting me and my privacy. ”
For example, you may want to tell your partner, “I want to discuss our privacy boundaries” or “We should discuss our feelings about privacy in the relationship. ”
Try saying, “I love you and I care about you. However, I need you to respect my privacy” or “I care about you and want to share things with you, but please understand that there are some things I do not want to share with you. ”
Tell your partner, “I have stated my privacy boundaries. Now I am interested in what your privacy boundaries are so I can respect them. I understand they may be different than mine, and that is okay. " Be aware that your partner’s boundaries may be different than yours. For example, you may feel uncomfortable with them posting status updates or photos of you on social media while your partner doesn’t care. Your partner may want private time to themselves each day.
For example, you may not feel comfortable taking a shower or going to the bathroom with your partner in the room. Certain parts of your body may be private and you may not want your partner to touch them. Make sure your partner is aware of this. You may have privacy boundaries that are different when you and your partner are in public than when you and your partner are alone. You may be okay with kissing or touching when alone but not comfortable with doing that in public. You can say, “I love it when you kiss me and touch me when we are home. However, I do not like it when you touch me in an intimate way when we are in public. That violates my privacy boundaries. " You may also say, “I do not mind you coming into the bathroom if the door is open. However, if I have closed the door, do not come into the room. If you need me, knock and I will answer you. "
This can include anything. Make sure to let your partner know if and what photos are appropriate to post, if they can tweet or post about the relationship, if they can tag you in photos or posts, and if they can follow your friends and family. You should also discuss your boundaries about sexting or revealing photos. For example, try saying, “I do not want you posting pictures of me on social media unless I okay them first” or “Please do not sext me. I am not comfortable with that. "
For example, you may feel okay about sharing clothes, books, or food, but you don’t feel comfortable sharing money or a toothbrush. Tell your partner, “Though we share the grocery expenses and most of the food, this box of cookies is just for me. Please respect that. " Even if you live together, you should establish privacy boundaries about your belongings to make sure you don’t step on each other’s boundaries.
You should not have to report back to your partner about what you did or talked about. If you feel like sharing details, that is your right. However, your right to privacy includes what you do with your friends and family.
For example, if your partner knows your social media password, they may be able to post without your permission or read your private messages. It may also lead to jealousy. Allowing someone to know your banking password may lead to someone taking your money without your permission. If you give out your website passwords, someone may buy things on or access your private accounts.
For example, try saying, “You have violated my privacy by going through my phone without my permission. We have discussed before that my phone is off-limits. This behavior is not okay. "
For example, you may say, “We have discussed this before, but I want to return to it. It is very important that we remember each other’s privacy boundaries and respect those wishes. "
Remind yourself that your boundaries are important. You deserve to have your boundaries respected. You do not have to accept someone not respecting your boundaries.
