Begin by looking at what happened from your perspective and thinking rationally about it. Use both your rational mind and your emotional mind, but try to look at the situation objectively. Let’s say you found out that your friend was talking negatively about you behind your back. Think about all of the specifics of the situation. How did you find out? What did the person say? How did you handle it? In order to analyze the issue, it can be helpful to identify what led to the issue and what happened afterwards. Identify the Antecedent (what happened before the conflict), Behavior (what you did) and Consequence (what happened as a result of the behavior). Let’s imagine that the conflict began by you finding out that your friend is talking behind your back (antecedent), and then you confronted your friend which turned into a verbal argument (behavior). Next, you and your friend stopped talking to each other for a week (consequence). Know that some arguments are okay; not all arguments are bad. It is okay to disagree with your friends sometimes, and argue or debate about a topic. [1] X Research source It is how you go about arguing that is important; each person needs to be respectful and neither should be aggressive.
One way of doing things differently is thinking differently. For example, if someone told you your friends was talking negatively about you, is it possible that this isn’t true? Another way of doings things differently is changing your actions. If you confronted your friend about what you heard, can you identify a better way you could have approached the situation? Were you really mad when you tried to resolve the conflict? Did you say something you regret?
Gather some ideas about what hurt your feelings or made the situation more difficult for you. For example, perhaps your friend called you a bad name and cursed at you, and this made you feel sad and angry. Identify specifically what your friend could have done differently. For example, if your friend cursed at you, perhaps she could have lowered her voice, spoken calmly, and used words that were not hurtful or aggressive.
If you haven’t talked to your friend in a while, try texting or calling her to set up a time to meet. You could say something like, “Hey. I’d like to set up a time to talk with you in person? Are you okay with that?” Avoid having a conversation about the issue over text, messenger, email, or phone. Face-to-face contact is the best approach to solving conflict because it reduces the likelihood of a miscommunication; you can’t tell a person’s tone or facial expression from a text message. You can say, “I think it would be better if we talk about this in person. I really want to be able to understand you better. How about we go get coffee?” Pick an appropriate location that is somewhat private. Do not involve other people as this can seem like you are ganging up on your friend; talk to your friend individually. [3] X Research source Good locations might be at a coffee shop, your home, or a park. Try to avoid places like school or work (where other people you know might be around). Discuss each side of the situation. First let your friend talk about her experience and her feelings. This shows that you are willing to put your thoughts aside while you focus on her.
Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. How would it feel to be in her situation? What would it be like to think her thoughts and feel her feelings? Are there other things going on in her life that are affecting the situation (difficult situations at home or at school)? Try to be understanding and look at her point of view as an outsider. Maintain a distant stance from your own emotions in the meantime in order to reduce the likelihood that you will take something she says personally and react emotionally.
Say something like, “I realize you are hurt and I’m sorry. " Then listen to what she has to say. Don’t say something like, “I might have been wrong, but you made it worse. "
You could start by saying, “I really want to solve this problem together. Do you think we can come up with a solution that we both agree on?” You can also emphasize that you are willing to work on things by saying, “I understand that I need to work on some things too, so I want you to know that I’m open to hearing about what you’d like me to do better next time. " Focus on being cooperative and helping the other person. [6] X Research source Instead of thinking about your own needs, think about your own desires in the context of your friend’s needs as well. Is there a way you can both get your needs met in a safe and healthy way? Perhaps you can help your friend learn how to communicate better, and you can learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. Don’t compromise too much. Compromising may mean you get only part of what you want, and sacrifice of your important desires. [7] X Research source Be willing to budge a bit, but don’t completely compromise your wants and needs to appease the other person. Analyze possible solutions and agree on one option that fits for the both of you. Take a look at the situation and think of how to solve it together. Perhaps make a list of options where both parties involved would work on something. For example, if you heard that your friend was talking negatively about you and you confronted her, some solutions might be that you could have spoken more assertively instead of aggressively, and your friend could have done the same. Once you have come to this conclusion, you can agree on what you both can do differently in the future.
Be direct. Approach your friend calmly and tactfully. Listen to her point of view, and then explain how you feel. Use “I statements,” such as, “I felt angry when I heard you were talking bad about me to other people. ” Make sure you emphasize how you feel instead of what the other person did; you should always state your feelings first in order to reduce the likelihood that the other person will react emotionally or take it personally. Focus on positive aspects of the relationship. You could say something like, “Your friendship means a lot to me and I don’t want this to come between us. ” Maintain positive eye contact. Don’t stare without looking away every once in a while, and don’t avoid eye contact. Maintain eye-contact that is comfortable, look away every once in a while, then regain eye-contact.
Avoid engaging in hurtful behaviors such as name-calling, put-downs, or blaming. [10] X Research source For example, don’t say things like, “I can’t believe you did that. I hate you. You’re stupid. ” Instead, say something assertive like, “I felt really angry when I heard that you were talking about me behind my back. I know that it may have been taken out of context, but can you give me your side of what happened? I’d like to understand where you’re coming from. "
Don’t avoid the problem, this can result in unresolved conflict. [12] X Research source Don’t apologize for everything, only your part in the problem. In other words, do not take the entire blame. There are always two people in a conflict, and in most case both people exhibit behaviors that contribute to the issue. Look at your friend and maintain eye-contact instead of staring at the floor or fidgeting. Do not simply accommodate the other person’s will or wishes. Your needs are just as important. [13] X Research source
Some examples of passive-aggressive communication are sarcasm, talking behind the person’s back (speaking negatively about her to others), spreading rumors, or getting other people to dislike your friend.
Allow for space. Sometimes friends need a break from one another in order to re-assess the situation and get some clarity. Give up control. Trying to control your friend may produce negativity within the relationship. [14] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Respect your friend’s wishes if she doesn’t want to talk about the situation, but let her know it’s upsetting you. Do not force her to talk things through as this may lead to another argument.
Avoid having conversations when you are very angry. Walk away if there is a conflict that may escalate into aggressive communication or violence. [15] X Research source Keep calm and remember to breathe!
Identify your strengths and cultivate them! Let’s say you are good at performing, join an acting class or audition for the school play. The more activities and skills you involve yourself in the better!
