Identifying the specific emotions at play may be of some help, too. Once you identify the emotions, you will be able to address them and understand where they are coming from. For instance, you might ask yourself, “Okay, what is the problem here, and why am I becoming emotional about it? The problem is that Jeff failed his math test, and I’m angry because he told me he was doing his homework and didn’t need help. I feel angry because he lied to me, and I feel disrespected. I am also worried about how this will impact his grade, because I want him to succeed. " Try journaling about what’s going on. That can be a powerful tool to get clear on what’s really going on. It can also help you separate facts from emotions. [2] X Expert Source Rachel ClissoldCertified Life Coach Expert Interview. 26 August 2020.

Don’t be afraid to ask for more time to research and learn about a topic, or to admit you don’t know much about it. You might say, “You know, I don’t know much about that topic. I’d like to look into it a bit further before forming my opinion. " You can set a deadline to revisit the topic with the person. You could say, “Can we talk about this on Monday when I’ve had time to do more research?”

Don’t just look at short-term effects. Think about how the decision or situation will affect you and others in the long-term.

This is another situation in which asking for more time might be appropriate. Make sure you set a deadline so you don’t fall into the trap of simply never revisiting the topic or making a decision. You might say, “Can I let you know tomorrow morning?” or, “I’m going to sleep on it and I will let you know tomorrow. "

Try reading up on the issues at trusted websites. Government websites (. gov) and educational (. edu) are usually good choices. On other sites, check to see if the site looks spammy, such as having too many ads. Also, consider the source. If the information is paid for by a particular organization that advocates one side of an issue, it’s more likely to be biased. Another way to make sure you have good information is to see if you can verify it with three different, reputable sources.

One reason this advice is important is that when you believe something, you tend to only look at sources that confirm what you know (called confirmation bias). That doesn’t help you in a debate because you’ll be easily brought down by the other side. And when your facts fail, you’re more likely to move over to emotions. Try writing out any arguments that might be made by the other side. Familiarize yourself with the facts that might be presented by the other side. Identifying potential facts or arguments they might bring up will allow you to prepare your response. This will keep you from being caught off-guard and ensure you are giving both sides equal weight.

For example, maybe someone says something that you find mean, and you start to get angry. Take a moment to feel it. That’s your response, but it doesn’t have to be. Now think about the situation. Was the comment justified? Can you learn from it? You may find that your emotional response isn’t appropriate to the situation when you focus on what was actually said. Trying to identify where the emotion came from can also help you remain calm. For instance, maybe a comment makes you disproportionately angry. Before reacting, you might ask yourself, “Why is this making me so angry?” You might realize that the comment makes you feel like you’re being ignored or dismissed. Think about if there are other situations in your life in which you feel ignored or dismissed, and if your anger really has little to do with what the person actually said. Maybe they’re not ignoring you, but simply misunderstood what you said.

To deep-breathe, try closing your eyes. Breathe in while counting to four in your head. Hold it for four counts, then breathe out for four counts. Try to breathe deeply, from your diaphragm. You can also take longer breaths if it helps. Keep using this technique until you feel yourself calm down. The length of your break may be dictated by the severity of your emotional reaction. If you are having a particularly strong reaction, you may need to sleep on it before you can approach the person from a calm, emotion-free place.

If you feel yourself getting really heated, ask to take a break, if possible.

Take what the other person says to heart. If they say something is a problem, take a minute to consider if they’re right instead of instantly getting defensive. Think about the purpose of the discussion. Are you trying to find a compromise with the other person or find a solution to a problem? Let this be your focus instead of defending yourself.

The goal can be something like “find a solution for our problem,” or “make sure the discussion stays respectful. "

One way to help take emotion out of the equation is to place yourself last. When you’re not in the equation, your emotion is less likely to affect your decision. Or try closing your eyes and remember a time when someone treated you with kindness and empathy when they didn’t have to, and think about how that felt.

Avoid bringing in things from the past or other irrelevant points that serve only to hurt the other person and do not move the conversation forward. Focus on the behavior or specific issue, not the person. Yes, you sometimes need to talk about behaviors the other person is doing that hurt you in a conversation. However, you shouldn’t focus that discussion on the person’s personality. Rather, you should focus on the behavior itself. Attacking a person’s personality will feel like a personal attack. [14] X Research source For instance, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” you could say, “I would appreciate it if you helped around the house more. "

Admitting that you made a mistake, or that you’re not a perfect person, doesn’t automatically mean you are wrong or invalidate your point of view. Take ownership of your mistakes without blaming others. Instead, talk to anyone who was affected by the issue and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what happened and how it made you feel. When you can connect with people at that level, you’ll be more likely to be able to work together. [16] X Expert Source Rachel ClissoldCertified Life Coach Expert Interview. 26 August 2020.