Contrary to the popular saying, you don’t have to “forgive and forget. ” While you can forgive someone, it might be harder to forget what they did to you entirely, especially if it really hurt you.
If the person is truly sorry, they’ll change their behavior to try avoid hurting you in the future.
You want to resolve your own feelings of anger, confusion, or hurt. You value your relationship with them, and believe that forgiving them is worth it. They’ve shown a willingness to change their behavior, and you want to try again.
For example, you can forgive an abusive father and choose not to talk to him ever again, because you know he would mistreat you. For example, if your girlfriend yells at you and then apologizes and says she’s working on controlling her temper, then you might decide to forgive her and continue dating her. If your girlfriend screams horrible abuse at you, or hits you, then you need to protect yourself and escape the relationship.
If you aren’t ready to forgive someone, you don’t have to do it yet. If anyone pressures you, say “I’m not ready to forgive yet. " You do not owe forgiveness to anyone else. If you do not want to forgive them, that is your choice.
Write in a journal about it. Talk to a mentor or trusted person about the situation. Express your feelings through artwork. Spend some time focusing on something else, and come back later.
If you value the relationship, then use those feelings to help you commit to being brave and facing the issue. If you believe the relationship mostly drags you down, it’s okay to decide to part ways or to limit contact. You can forgive them while doing what’s best for yourself.
It is always difficult to take the first step, and sometimes you need to give yourself a push. Simply tell yourself, “Here we go,” and pick up the phone and make contact.
Assure the person that you are open and willing to hear what she has to say as well. This will allow the person to feel more open about the forthcoming discussion. [15] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. If the person refuses to meet with you, do not despair. There are things you can do to move toward forgiveness regardless of whether the person complies. The act of forgiveness is designed to help you in the end. For example, use writing instead of direct contact to express your feelings and thoughts about the person. Writing in a journal helps to process your feelings and is effective.
First, thank the person for meeting with you. Second, tell the person your goal is to hear each other’s side of the story and come to some peaceful resolution so you both can move on. Third, tell your side of the story. Make “I” statements to describe your thoughts and feelings, without making accusations. Fourth, ask the person if there is anything else you can clarify for him before he provides the details of his side of the story. Fifth, ask the person questions that will give you the necessary information to understand his intent, motives, thoughts and feelings.
“I accept your apology, and I forgive you. " “I appreciate you saying that. Friends?” “Thank you for apologizing. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you yet, but I will work on it. Please give me some time. "
As time passes and progress is made, you may notice you are still allowing feelings of betrayal to affect the way you treat the person. Perhaps it happens during heated arguments or discussions. You may not have processed your hurt feelings and still have some work to do. This is a normal reaction and can be managed by talking about your feelings with the person involved, or someone else.
For example, say that your sister made fun of your nose, and you told her that it hurt your feelings, you should pay attention to whether or not she does it again. A forgetful person may need a reminder now and then, especially if they’ve had a bad habit for a while. But if you remind them you’re not okay with this, they should take you seriously and stop it the first time you ask.
It’s easy to make excuses for yourself since you know yourself the best.
For example, if you lied to a friend and said you were busy when you actually weren’t, you may have issues with letting people down. Or, if you cheated on a test, you might be struggling in school or need extra time to study.
You could say something like, “Hey, I know I hurt you the other day when I lied, and I just wanted to reach out and see if you’re up to talking about it. ”
Think about every mistake you make as a lesson learned that could benefit you in the future.
You can get a referral or suggestion from your physician, health insurance company, or a trusted family member or friend. However, if that is not feasible, contact your local department of mental health about counseling options. If you feel you and your therapist are not a good fit, look for a different therapist. Every therapist is different and finding one with whom you feel comfortable is essential. Try a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. Your therapist will help examine and dispel the negative thought patterns that you have developed.
Take the opportunity to practice compassion when out in public. If you see someone struggling getting into the doorway of a store, rush to open it. If you see someone that looks like she is having a bad day, smile and say hello. Your goal is to allow others to feel the impact of your good deeds. Expand your empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to people outside your social circle. Try to strike up a conversation with a stranger once a week. If talking to a stranger is hard, then try reading blogs of people with different life experiences than yours. Go beyond small talk and try to (respectfully) inquire about their lives and experiences. This will broaden your worldview and help you become more understanding of others. [26] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Is this important? Will I care about it 6 months or 6 years from now? Is this worth my time? Could I be jumping to conclusions? Could there be circumstances I’m not aware of? Is this issue important to me, or should I just let it go? Are my feelings or behavior holding me back from better things?
I can stop lying awake in bed, playing and replaying imaginary conversations in my head. Instead, I’ll just sleep. I can stop feeling like a victim, and start feeling empowered to control my own life. I can say goodbye to a bad chapter of my life, and start focusing on creating a good one. I can focus less on this person’s past mistakes, and focus more on rebuilding a stronger relationship. I can remember what happened without feeling helpless, and use the knowledge of what went wrong to help me spot and avoid similar problems in the future.
“I’m glad that I’ve finally finished the semester, so I don’t have to deal with that difficult professor again. She is not my problem anymore. " “I’m thankful that my dad and my therapist are supporting me while I leave this abusive relationship. " “I’m glad that my mom was willing to listen and take me seriously when I said her criticism was damaging our relationship. I hope this will be the start of a positive change. " “I’m so happy that I have another chance to find love after I left behind a bad relationship. " “I’m glad that I get another chance with my boyfriend, and that he’s making an effort to change his habits to treat me better. Things can become better than they were. " “I don’t regret cutting contact with my toxic father. I’m so much happier now that he’s not part of my life. "
“I learned that it’s not always a good idea to give a loan to friends, because it can hurt the relationship. " “I learned that not everyone is as careful with things as I am, so I should probably not lend treasured items to people who tend to break things. " “I’ve learned to interview potential roommates, so I can make sure that our lifestyles are a decent match. " “I learned to assume ignorance before malice. Sometimes people don’t realize they’re hurting my feelings. " “I learned that I can count on my dad to have my back during a crisis. " “I learned that I’m stronger than I thought I was. "
