Don’t be surprised if you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, upset, sad, confused, or in disbelief. It’s normal to feel many emotions. Your emotions can bring clarity. For example, you might realize how much your marriage means to you or how deeply you feel hurt by your husband’s actions.
If you feel angry and need to express the anger, punch a pillow or go for a walk. Journaling can be a great way to work through your emotions and understand them better. Use your writing to reflect on the experience and write how you feel. You can express your emotions through art, writing, music, and dance. Avoid turning to alcohol or drugs as a way to deal with your emotions. Try to avoid projecting your anger on your husband, friends, children, and other family members. Don’t make snide remarks or passive aggressive statements towards them.
Take some deep breaths to help calm your body and your mind. Use your senses to cope with difficult emotions. Focus on one sense at a time and find ways to connect with it in the current moment. For example, notice all the sounds around you from nature sounds to footsteps in the room next door. [1] X Research source
This can be trickier if you have kids. You might want to tell them you’re taking a weekend away or that you’re temporarily sleeping in a different room. You don’t need to disclose what happened. Let your husband know this is temporary. If possible, tell him a return date so that you can both prepare to come back together.
When you feel like blaming yourself, give yourself compassion instead. Extend kindness and understanding to yourself. Learn to love yourself by supporting your health and well-being and by sending love to yourself and those around you.
Ask questions you need to know the answers to. For example, ask your husband if he’s been tested or is willing to be tested for STIs (also known as STDs). Ask your husband if he intends to leave you or if he wants to stay and make the relationship work. Clarifying this as soon as possible will help you prepare for the future and move forward.
When talking about your feelings, keep them focused on yourself by using “I” statements. This will allow you to express yourself without going into blaming or shaming your husband. [5] X Research source For example, say, “I feel so hurt and disappointed. ”
It can take some time to accept his words as meaningful and truthful. If you both want your marriage to continue, it is important your husband shows remorse for his actions. While you should try to support his needs in the marriage, you should not have to accept blame for his cheating. [7] X Research source
If talking about it has become all you talk about, take some steps back and make some boundaries together, like only talking about it once each day or once each week. If you and your husband have children, agree not to discuss the affair with them.
If you and your husband want to keep your marriage and improve your relationship, you should make a new commitment to each other. When you are ready, you can return to physical intimacy as well.
Whether you continue a marriage together or decide to divorce, it’s in your best interest to let go and forgive your husband. Forgiving your husband does not mean that you have to stay in the marriage if you don’t want to. That said, if you stay in the marriage, forgiveness will help you heal and move on.
Let go of your resentment, feelings of unfairness, and blame. While this is easier said than done, it’s also necessary to move forward in your relationship. Have a letting go ceremony together where both of you write down what you want to let go of, then burn the papers. This can provide some closure as well as create an opening for the new relationship to blossom.
Find a therapist who specializes in working with couples. You may even find a therapist who specializes in infidelity. Look for a therapist online or call your insurance provider to find someone who’s within your network. You can also call a local mental health center or get a recommendation from a friend or a physician.
Cynicism and doubt are roadblocks to rebuilding trust. If you’re struggling with trusting your husband again, talk to a counselor.
For example, start a notebook together where you share your thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Take turns writing in it and supporting each other. If you’re not sure how to improve your relationship, a therapist can help point you in the right direction and support you along the way.
If you want the information to be kept private, state clearly that you’d prefer them not to share any information with others. While you should vent your feelings, make sure that you don’t spend all of your time criticizing or insulting your husband. Not only will this make it harder for you to heal but it will put your friends in a difficult position if they are friends with your husband. Instead, focus on asking your friends for their support and help.
Do a web search to find support groups or call your local mental health clinic. There may be a support group in your local community. If not, find one online.
You may choose to disclose what’s happening or not. It’s up to you. Whatever you do, be clear in creating boundaries so that your privacy is protected.
Don’t answer questions you do not have an answer to. For example, if your kids notice you fighting and ask, “Are you and dad going to get a divorce?” respond back by saying, “We’re going through a tough time and I know it’s tough for you, too. We both love you and we don’t want you to be worried. ” Family therapy is a good way to heal tension for your children. Family therapy can help you determine how your children may be impacted by this event and how you can help support them.
