The best ways to show that you truly care about her are to respect her choices and to allow her to find happiness. For now, that might not be with you. In time, you might both be in a position to rekindle your romance. [2] X Research source It’s best not to try to get back together if she’s seeing someone else. However, even if you don’t want to wait until she’s single, you should still take time to build your confidence and clear your mind.
Ask yourself, “Were there any warning signs? Did we seem to grow apart over time, or was the breakup sudden? What role did I play, and what changes can I make so we wouldn’t fall into the same pattern if we got back together?” Additionally, be honest with yourself about your compatibility with her. Upon reflection, you might find that fundamental differences between you and your ex led to the breakup. For instance, she might not want children, but that’s a deal breaker for you.
Holding yourself accountable doesn’t necessarily mean you’re entirely responsible for the breakup. Don’t look for ways to blame yourself or dwell on what you could have done. Just focus on finding opportunities to become a more fulfilled person. For example, perhaps you prioritized work over your ex-girlfriend. Meaningful changes might include pursuing interests unrelated to work and taking better care of your physical and mental health. If you cheated on her, seeing a counselor to explore the underlying reasons you were unfaithful could show that you’re serious about self-improvement.
For instance, activities like running or cycling can improve your physical and mental health. Outdoing your best times and distances can also build your confidence. Clubs and classes related to your interests can help you become more social. Meeting new people can also give you a fresh, more optimistic perspective. Professional accomplishments can enhance your self-esteem, so try to pursue goals at work or school.
Let your dates know in advance that you’re just seeing people casually and just went through a breakup. You wouldn’t want to string someone along and make them think you’re open to a serious relationship.
Ask yourself, “Do I still want to try to fix things, even after gaining a broader perspective? Is it possible that I wanted her back because of my grief, or because I wanted to hold onto a sense of comfort?” Breakups are tough, and missing someone doesn’t always mean you should get back together. Before trying to rekindle your relationship, be honest with yourself, and try to figure out if you and your ex are truly right for each other. [8] X Research source It can be hard to look at a relationship objectively after a painful breakup. If you’re not sure you’re thinking clearly about the relationship, ask a close friend or relative for feedback.
Additionally, if your ex is going to give any consideration to working it out, she needs to know that you’re serious about fixing things. You need to show her that you’re holding yourself accountable for your end of the breakup, and that takes time. For instance, if you broke up because she thought you were irresponsible, try to win her back after you can show that you’re working on your shortcomings. You might have gotten a better job, paid off some debt, or started keeping your house cleaner.
Try to be friendly, casual, and lighthearted when you ask her to meet. You could say, “Hey, I hope all is well! You’ve been on my mind lately, and I was hoping we could talk. I understand if your first response is to say ‘No way,’ but I’d really appreciate it if we could grab a coffee and chat. ” If you’re old enough to drink alcohol, avoid meeting for cocktails. You might feel like alcohol will help you calm down, but it’s best to stay sharp and focused. If she doesn’t want to meet, accept that you can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Respect her choice, and try to move forward.
Choose clothes and hygiene products that you know she finds attractive. Maybe you had an outfit that she always complimented, or a cologne or perfume that she loved. Looking your best can show her that you’re confident, in a good state of mind, and are taking care of yourself. [11] X Research source
For instance, you might say, “I am so sorry that I blew you off for work and put my own ambitions ahead of your needs. I didn’t give you the respect you deserve, and I took you for granted. ” Focus on holding yourself accountable instead of pointing out ways that she went wrong. She might follow your lead and apologize for her own shortcomings, but don’t force the issue. [13] X Research source If you think she’s entirely to blame and you have nothing to apologize for, trying to get back together might not be a good idea.
If she’s still in a relationship, try saying, “We had problems when we were together, but I’ve made concrete changes. I respect your choices, and I understand if Sam makes you happy. However, I believe we’re right for each other, and I hope you’ll consider trying to make it work with me. ” Additionally, flowers or chocolates might help later on but, especially at this early stage, self-improvement is more important than gifts. You don’t want her to think you’re just trying to buy her affection. [15] X Research source
For instance, say, “I’ve had time to realize how irresponsible I was. You deserve someone who has a better handle on things, and I want to be that person for my own good and for you. I’ve made some real progress, and I’m dedicated to staying on track. ”
There’s no set time, but it might take several weeks or months to work out your differences. Proceeding slowly and gradually is better in the long run, and will help you build a stable foundation for round 2 of your relationship.
It’s okay to take some time to cry and wallow. Expressing your grief is part of the healing process, so let it happen. It might take weeks or months but, little by little, you’ll begin to move forward.
Call a loved one and say, “I’m having a hard time getting over Jane. I really thought we could work it out, and I don’t see why she won’t try to fix things. Do you have time to meet up or come over? I could really use a friend right now. ”
Go for a run or bike ride after work or school, swim laps, or join a gym. Group exercise programs and yoga or martial arts classes are also great ways to stay social.
It’s perfectly normal to still love your ex, even if you have to accept that she doesn’t want to be with you. Do your best to maintain a positive mindset and wish her happiness, even if it’s not with you.
