Try repeating back what she says to show her that you’re really engaged in the conversation. For instance, you might say, “Ok, so Linda wants us to come over next Saturday? We can do that. "
Try to find at least one thing each day to be thankful for. Not only will this make your wife feel like you really notice the work she does, but when you’re focused on finding things to be grateful for, you’re more likely to appreciate what you have.
Words of affirmation: verbal expressions of care and affection, like saying “Thank you for helping me out today” or “I love you!” Gift-giving: material or immaterial gifts that show appreciation and attention, such as flowers or a card or going out for dinner together. Quality time: spending time together doing something engaging that brings you closer together. This could be a hobby or activity or just sitting at home together and watching a movie. Physical touch: physical expressions of love, whether that be holding hands, a back massage, or more. Acts of service: doing something kind, thoughtful, or helpful for your partner, like cleaning up for them after making dinner or helping them out with a task around the house.
In addition to including your wife in any decision-making, it’s equally important that you be involved. Don’t just leave all of the decisions to her, or she might start to feel resentful that she’s carrying the burden alone.
For instance, you might say something like, “Sometimes I feel like you share too many details of our intimate life with your friends, and it makes me feel embarrassed when I’m around them. Could we set some boundaries that we would both be comfortable with?”
Try writing down your thoughts in a journal to keep track of them through this process. Don’t push yourself to come up with the answer all at once. It can take a long time to get perspective on what led to problems in your marriage.
For instance, you might say, “Jessica, I know that I let my job come between us, and that made you feel lonely and sad. I’m really committed to making our marriage work, though, and I’d like us to find a solution together. " Don’t focus on things your wife needs to change. Even if it seems like your wife instigated the issue, it’s important to understand anything you could or should have done differently. Otherwise, you can’t promise to make a change.
For example, you might say something like, “What could I do that would make you feel more loved and appreciated every day?” or “What are some things I do that hurt you that I might not realize?” As you do this, you might be surprised to learn that something you did hurt her, even if you didn’t think it was a big deal at the time. However, an important part of apologizing is understanding what you did wrong, so do your best not to get defensive. Don’t take this as an opportunity to start listing things she does wrong. Instead, listen in a compassionate, empathetic way.
Try writing down your feelings in a letter, then tear the letter up and throw it away to symbolically let go of the things inside. If you need resolution for any of these things, it’s okay to talk to your wife about them. Try saying something like, “Is it okay if I share something that’s been bothering me? I don’t want to argue about it, but I do want us to be transparent with each other so we can move forward. "
Even if the two of you still argue during this time, stay dedicated to proving to your wife that you want to be a reliable, loving person in her life.
Try saying something like, “I feel like we’re having a hard time moving past this on our own. Would you be open to going to couple’s counseling with me so we can figure out how to get better together?” Even if your wife is resistant to meeting with a therapist, talking to a counselor on your own may still give you valuable tools for improving your marriage and your personal life in general.
For instance, if you think her sense of style is great, you might compliment her outfit choice when she gets ready in the morning. You might also compliment her personality traits, like how she always makes you laugh or her compassionate nature. You could also recognize some of her accomplishments, like being acknowledged by her bosses at work or nailing a project she’s been working really hard on.
On a date night, try going to see a lighthearted comedy at the theater, or visit a comedy club to see a standup act.
For instance, you might give her a warm hug in the morning or when she gets home from work, or you could lightly rub her shoulder when you’re standing behind her. Over time, this can make your wife feel more safe and comfortable, and it may make her more receptive to flirtatious touching and rekindling your sexual relationship, as well.
You might say something like, “Do you remember that time we ate at that burger place in Toronto? The food was so good but I could barely taste it because all I could think about was how cute you were. I could tell you were a little nervous because you kept tucking your hair behind your ear, and I just wanted to kiss you!”
Once a month, for example, you might take turns picking out a new restaurant to try. You might also surprise her with flowers, tickets to a concert, a day at the spa, or something else you haven’t done before.
If you need to, schedule regular time together so the two of you can catch up and unwind, and make sure that at least some of that time is dedicated to just the two of you, where discussions of all of those other pressures in life are off-limits, even for just a little while. [18] X Research source You don’t have to necessarily be doing something to spend time together. Try setting aside a few minutes after everyone else is in bed so the two of you can chat about your days, for instance.
This is especially true if you have a pattern of difficult relationships—you may have been told throughout your life that you’re not good enough, or you might place a lot of blame on yourself for the way things are going. For instance, if you find yourself thinking, “I always hurt people and no one will ever love me,” you might replace that thought with something like, “Right now, I’m fighting as hard as I can to save my marriage because I love my wife. I’m trying to be the best person I can. "
For instance, you might go for a run every morning before work, or you might meet your friends one Saturday a month for drinks.
Taking great care of yourself will boost your confidence, which might have the added bonus of making your wife feel more physically attracted to you.
For instance, if you’re unhappy in your career, you might take night classes that will allow you to eventually get a job you’ll enjoy more. You might also set goals to improve how well you eat, to accomplish things around your home, or to spend more time with your family and friends. Choose personal goals that are important to you!
If your arguments escalate into physical, verbal, or emotional abuse—from either party—your relationship has become toxic. You will likely need professional counseling to overcome those patterns, if they can be changed at all, and it’s generally best to separate to ensure the situation doesn’t continue to worsen.
