What do you get from each person? Your current boyfriend or girlfriend may bring you stability, but your love for them may feel like friendship love. You may have passion for another person that’s missing from your current relationship. If you’re experiencing two different types of love, there are ways to navigate this. At the beginning of a relationship, you may be more passionate about someone. If you’re feeling passion for someone new, you can limit your contact with that person to conversation, for example. You can learn new things about someone and allow yourself to experience the emotional infatuation of a romance while staying physically faithful to your current partner. However, be careful. You should be comfortable letting both parties know what is going on. If you’re hiding something from your partner, you may be having an emotional affair.
Do you feel you need to be emotionally invested in one person at a time? Some people only want to focus on one person at once. Many people find their capacity for love - romantic or otherwise - is not finite. Think about how loving two people makes you feel. Do you feel exhausted by it, or invigorated? Is it something you feel guilty about, or do you feel comfortable with the fact you love two different people? Identify what you need. Do you need a relationship with only a single person, or are you open to loving two people at once?
For some, the ability to love one person at a time is vital to a happy relationship. Some people feel you cannot truly fall in love with two people, as love requires you have an intimate connection with only a single person. Not everyone shares this sentiment. If you are in love with two people, you may able to have an intimate connection with two people that is equally deep and meaningful. You may not believe love has a finite value. If this is the case, monogamy may not be in your best interest. Consider pursuing a relationship with both parties at the same time, keeping your expectations open. Dating casually can allow you to explore your options. You may eventually settle on one person.
You may feel the need to justify your behavior due to latent guilt. You may, for example, need to reassure yourself constantly you and this person are “just friends” or think of justifications for spending time with this person. You may also feel the need to cover your tracks. If you’re hiding something from your partner, you may be doing something wrong. You may, for example, delete text message or lie to your partner about spending time with the other person. Do you obsessively think or daydream about this person? Do you feel excitement when you know you get to see this person? If so, that’s definitely a sign it’s emotional infidelity.
How happy are you in your current relationship? If there have been problems for awhile, your attachment to another person may be a warning sign. Do you complain about your partner to this person? Do you share details about your relationship problems you would withhold from others? Do you find yourself comparing this person to your partner? You may find this new person has qualities you feel your partner lacks. Is this person very different from your current partner? If so, you may be latching onto someone completely different because your current relationship is not working.
If you’re not currently seeing a therapist, you can get a referral for one through your regular doctor. You can also see what therapists are covered under your insurance network. If you’re a student, you may be entitled to free counseling through your school. If you believe your relationship is in serious trouble due to outside feelings, consider seeing a couples counselor with your partner to discuss these issues.
Pick the right time to talk and eliminate distractions when you have the discussion. Make sure you turn off phones and computers. You should also strive to talk at a time when neither you nor your partner have outside commitments. Have empathy. It can be painful for your partner to hear you’re in love with someone else, and you don’t want to minimize their pain. Allow your partner to feel what they are feeling. For example, don’t say something like, “Lots of people have been where you’ve been and have gotten over it. " This may come off as dismissive. Form a game plan together. You may decide it’s best to end the relationship, or to open up the relationship. Your partner may want you to lessen contact with the other party to salvage things. Whatever you decide, make sure you set clear boundaries both you and your partner agree to and fully understand.
Try to schedule times to think about the other person. It may sound strange, but it can actually be helpful to daydream and obsess about the object of your affection for a set time each day. Trying to never think about this person may backfire. If you give yourself a little leeway once a day, it may help you get over this person longterm. Allow yourself time to grieve the relationship. A non-physical relationship can be as intimate and close as a physical one. It will take you some time to feel better about ending the affair. It’s normal to miss the person in the aftermath. Try to keep busy and surround yourself with friends. Invest in your current relationship. If you’ve made the choice to stay with your current partner, you need to spend time repairing any damage done by the emotional affair. Spend a lot of one-on-one time with your partner. Try to become physically intimate through sex, cuddling, and touch. Remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner to begin with, and why your relationship is worth it.
Think about your goals. Compatible romantic partners have similar goals and values. Choose the person whose goals more closely align with yours. You and this person should have similar moral values, and want similar things for the future. [11] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 July 2020. Think about how much each person influences you. In a romantic relationship, you are heavily influenced by another person. You’ll find yourself adopting their tastes and interests. If you find one person influences your personality more, that person may be right for you. You should also consider your feelings for someone. People tend to feel more infatuated with compatible romantic matches. You may find yourself putting one person on more of pedestal. You may play up one person’s good qualities slightly more.
For example, you could send a text that says something like, “Hey, there’s something that’s been on my mind. I would really like to talk to you as soon as possible. Are you free for coffee tomorrow?”
Avoid phrases like, “I think we should. . . " and “I feel. . . " Such statements can make you sound uncertain.
If you feel comfortable mentioning the other person, say something like, “As you know, I’ve also been dating Ryan. While I value the time you and I have spent together, I think Ryan is a more compatible match for me longterm. I would like to start seeing him exclusively. " For many reasons, you may rather leave the other person out. Instead of explicitly mentioning you’ve chosen someone else, mention the factors that contributed to your choice. For example, “I just feel like, longterm, we don’t have the same goals and values. I think we would both be better off with someone who’s on the same path. "
People who are polyamorous do not feel monogamy is necessary to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Polyamory is not a choice. A lot of it depends on your emotional comfort level and your feelings about love and romance. If you’re able to be in love with two people at the same time, you may be polyamorous. There are many ways to figure out if you’re polyamorous. Look back on your relationships. Are you able to be fulfilled by a single person, or do you frequently find yourself craving love and sex outside of your relationship? If it’s the latter, you may be polyamorous. If you feel capable of being in love with and committed to two people at once, you may be polyamorous. There is some stigma against polyamory, but work to shut that out. Remember, when it comes to relationships, one size does not fit all. If you are polyamorous, you should feel comfortable exploring your feelings on the subject without feeling guilt.
If you’re looking into an open or semi-open relationship, make sure everyone knows what is and is not okay. Are you allowed to be physically intimate with both parties? Can your partners pursue relationships outside of their romance with you? Should one party be prioritized over the other? These are questions you need to ask when proceeding with an open relationship. If your current partner does not want a completely open relationship, they may want you to taper off contact with the other person. If this is the case, make sure you know the kind of contact you’re allowed to have and what sorts of contact violate your partner’s trust.
If your partner is comfortable with you pursuing outside relationships, consider whether you should do so right away. There is no reason to rush polyamory. You may want to give both you and your partner time to adjust to the idea of an open relationship before either of you act on it. Expect some tension. Polyamorous or open relationships can be healthy and loving. This does not mean that, in the beginning, things will not feel somewhat messy. Keep things open in regards to communication. Be willing to compromise and smooth over any differences that arise.
If being in love with two people is causing a lot of tension in a relationship, you can talk to a couples counselor. A qualified counselor can help you and your partner figure out better ways to communicate.
