Don’t let anyone else define your boundaries for you. Only do what you’re comfortable with.
Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Laugh when the kisses feel awkward! You’re building intimacy by experimenting with what works and doesn’t work.
To take it up a notch, you could sit across from each other and touch yourselves, with the rule that you are not allowed to touch each other.
A funny boudoir photo shoot would be to wear a fancy dress or suit and a feather boa, then make silly faces while posing on top of the bed. If you have cats, you can incorporate them into the photo for added hilariousness.
If you do send sexy photos to one another, exercise caution: anything you send to your partner could end up in someone else’s hands. If you’re worried about someone else seeing you in a vulnerable position, either don’t take the photo, or keep your face out of it.
If you partner tries to tell you that sex is the only way you can be close, you may want to consider whether the relationship is really what you want.
If you’re worried about it turning sexual, try staying above the covers while sitting next to each other. You could also sit on opposite ends of the bed with only your feet touching. You can read each other romantic stories for a sexy twist (and maybe to laugh at how cheesy they are).
If being separated by pillows and blankets doesn’t work, it’s okay to say it isn’t working and ask your partner if they are into doing something else that makes your urges easier to resist.
If you’re worried about offending your partner by moving away from them, you could make up an excuse for wanting to move — for example, “My back hurts sitting here, let’s move over to the couch in the living room,” or “Hey I’m feeling a bit restless, let’s take a break and go for a walk!” Getting out into public spaces will make it easier to resist acting on your sexual urges.
If your partner repeatedly tries to convince you to go further than the boundaries you’ve set, you may want to consider whether they are worth continuing a relationship with. While it’s okay for your partner to check in with you now and then, they should never make you feel bad for your decision.
What would the perfect relationship be for you? Are you in it right now? What do you love about your partner? Are they a kind person? Supportive? Funny? Smart? Physically fit? Telling your partner what you like about them should help them understand your reasons for wanting to be in the relationship beyond sex; they should understand that it’s nothing personal — it’s not about them.
Clearly stating your boundaries early in the relationship may be daunting, but it will make things easier for you and your partner in the long run.
A younger, less mature teen might have difficulty dealing with a serious conversation. It may be helpful to bring it up ahead of time with them — for example, “I want to talk to you about something kind of serious — it’s not bad though. Can we do that after school?”[5] X Research source Make sure they aren’t hungry or otherwise irritable before you talk to them. [6] X Research source If you can, try to talk to them while you two are walking together. [7] X Research source Walking as you talk will also make them feel less stressed or trapped than if you’re sitting still somewhere. Don’t stare. Another good thing about walking while you talk is that you are looking straight ahead for the most part. Staring into your partner’s eyes while talking about something serious may be frightening for them; it may make things seem even more serious, which could cause them to shut down and stop communicating with you. [8] X Research source Let them know you care. [9] X Research source Make sure they know how happy you are in the relationship and how much you like them You two are on the same team: make sure they know this. You’re talking to them because you want them to know your wants and needs, and you are open to hearing theirs, too.
Do not be defensive if your partner has a lot of questions. They may just be trying to get a better understanding of where you’re coming from. If you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner without it turning into a fight. If your partner gets upset at you, try to stay calm. It may even be necessary to leave them alone and give them some time to process what you’ve said.
If your discussion isn’t done but you’re both tired, make a date to continue the discussion later. You don’t even have to leave each other’s presence if you don’t want to; you can just agree to put the discussion on hold until you both have more energy to return to it.
Your partner could need anywhere from a few minutes to a few days, to even a few weeks, to think about what you’ve said. Give them the time they need to process his/her feelings; don’t push them for a response when they aren’t ready to give you one.
Knowing what you’ll say and how you’ll behave ahead of time will make it easier for you to clearly articulate yourself — especially if the topic arises while you’re aroused and potentially not thinking clearly. [11] X Research source
You can also think them to yourself when you’re aroused with your partner. Strengthen your resolve by reading other people’s stories online, and by reading about reasons to be abstinent. [12] X Research source
Although sex is not something “dirty” that you should be ashamed of, it’s possible that you will feel regret if you have it before you are ready. If you are unsure of whether you’re ready to have sex, it’s healthier for you to wait until you are sure.
If you have the feeling that you want to have sex in the heat of the moment, it may be time to pull away and do something else. If you still want to have sex a few days later, when you’re clear-headed, you can revisit your decision. You may even want to talk it over with a friend, a close relative, a counselor, or a nurse. If you do decide to have sex, be sure that you have protection, such as condoms, birth control, or dental dams. You can obtain condoms at drug stores and most grocery stores; for birth control, you will have to see your doctor or go to a family planning clinic.
Maybe you know that whenever you’re alone in your room with your partner, you end up making out and getting close to having sex. You might want to avoid this if you aren’t sure that you can continue to fight the urge to have sex. [15] X Research source
If you decide to confide in a friend about your relationship and your desire to remain abstinent, make sure that it’s a close friend who you trust — someone who you know will support you and keep your secrets. You might also find it useful to join an online community. There are many online communities for people who are abstaining from sex. Do an online search for one that best suits your needs.
Physical intimacy is an important element of most romantic relationships, but that doesn’t mean that you have to jump into bed with your partner right away. You have every right to wait until it feels right for you, and your partner needs to respect this. If you’ve previously had sexual intercourse but are now abstinent, your desire to abstain from sex is just as valid as it would be if you had never had sex before. Don’t let anyone try to convince you that you should have sex against your wishes simply because you’ve had it before.
