Your partner is likely to lash back when presented with your painful admission. While your infidelity will form the core of your partner’s hurt, you may find yourself confronted with a whole range of issues as your partner seeks to express his or her pain. [3] X Research source If your partner has ever had an affair, news of that infidelity is likely to surface during this initial exchange. Responding with disclosure of this information may be the closest weapon your partner has at his or her disposal. Be prepared for such an admission, and remember that if you feel hurt by disclosure of such information, your hurt is paralleled by your partner’s pain regarding your own infidelity. You’ll both have significant healing to do. [4] X Research source
Conventional wisdom once argued that infidelity was always a sign of something missing in a relationship; it is important to recognize that professionals now believe this is only one among many reasons why people cheat. [6] X Research source Regardless of your reason for cheating, you should never blame your partner for your decision. Even if you feel something has been missing in your committed relationship, you made a choice to cheat rather than working out your problems with your partner.
Take your time as a couple to process the many questions your infidelity will bring to the surface. Respond fully and openly to your partner’s questions as they come, but expect that new questions will emerge over time. Be mindful of your partner’s readiness to hear details even as you fully answer his or her questions. Never cover up information, but if your partner is not yet asking one type of question – about your motivation for cheating, for example – exercise patience. He or she may have enough information to take on board. Wait until your partner asks, then carefully provide a transparent response. [8] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
The time it takes a relationship to heal after cheating varies, but expect that this process can easily take 1-2 years. [10] X Research source
When considering your relationship’s future, consider the feelings of all those who will be affected by your decision. If your relationship involves children, for example, the stakes may be higher than they would be for a couple. Couples married for decades may have relationship networks and shared experiences that bind them more tightly than those who have dated just a few months or even years. [12] X Research source Recognize that even if your partner sees hope for forgiveness, the actual process of forgiveness could take considerable time. Avoid making rash decisions. Give yourself sufficient time to ensure you’re making decisions based upon careful reflection and not simply reacting during the heat of an argument.
Counselors or other trusted figures can provide objective, nonjudgmental support to help you process your feelings. [13] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source A trusted third party also provides a safe referee for the sometimes painful discussions you’ll need to have with your partner.
Note, however, that your past history of cheating does not completely eliminate your right to privacy. Be mindful of your partner’s need for information, but do not feel compelled to provide a full list of your cell phone and social media passwords or to account for your whereabouts at all times. Such practices perpetuate mistrust rather than allowing you to rebuild your shattered relationship. [14] X Research source
Take a “time out” if you find that emotions are running high. Your partner may need some physical or emotional space to process his or her feelings. Politely leave the room, go for a walk, or give your partner the freedom to distance him or herself for a period of time. [15] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Consider scheduling specific windows of time to process difficult feelings. You might set an egg timer for half an hour, for example, and use that limited span of time for discussion. Doing so provides structure and predictability; you can both focus upon the subject at hand without having the conversation degenerate into “venting” or other unproductive behavior. [16] X Research source
Each day is a new day. When you wake up each morning, remind yourself of your decision to move forward and focus on repairing your damaged relationship. If you find rituals helpful, consider taking a symbolic step such as (carefully) burning or shredding a paper labeled “cheating. " Remind yourself of this action when you’re tempted to dwell upon your past behavior. You’ve burned your bridges, literally or metaphorically, and have committed to move forward. If you find yourself wallowing in regret, brainstorm a productive action you can undertake instead. You might consider sending your partner a loving text, performing a chore around the house, or working on a new hobby that helps you constructively redirect your behavior.
Consider activities you’ve enjoyed in the past that you could reestablish as productive habits. Discuss your goals and interests. Perhaps your partner has always wanted to travel. You might consider spending some time researching trips or even pursuing language or cultural instruction to make that dream a reality. Perhaps he or she has been thinking about running a half marathon. If you can share this vision, commit to achieving this goal together – or, if you aren’t a runner yourself, commit to becoming your partner’s top cheerleader.
Be mindful that while your relationship is a partnership, the wounded partner needs to set the parameters for this process. Fulfilling intimacy requires considerable trust. Ensure you’ve been tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Never risk your partner’s physical health – or the emotional devastation that would result from an STD diagnosis.
