Being a good listener could help defuse the situation completely. Be sure to pay attention to the underlying issue.
Demonstrate your understanding by using reflection techniques. This might sound like, “I can see why you feel angry about the teller being rude to you,” or “I think I understand the problem. You feel overlooked. ”
Once a boundary has been communicated, be firm and follow through if the person crosses the line.
For example, instead of saying “You are always shouting at me!” say “I feel anxious when you shout. Can we try to use indoor voices?”
You might ask, “Do you want help with the problem or did you just want to get everything off your chest?” before you try to offer advice. Or, you could say, “I understand your anger. How can I help?” If your loved one tends to view you as critical, save your solutions for another time when they’ve cooled off.
Listen to soft music, watch a silly YouTube video, or call someone who tends to calm you down.
Say, “I’ve noticed you’re angry a lot lately. It prevents us from connecting like we used to. It’d make me feel better if you talked to someone about it. " Take note of patterns regarding what angers the person to determine underlying issues. For instance, if they often get upset when people gossip about them, the underlying issue may be that they value privacy. Once you’ve determined the underlying issue, you can help the person develop strategies or create boundaries to deal with it. For example, if the person values privacy, you could caution them not to share personal information with their co-workers if it leads to office gossip.
If your loved one seems to jump straight to anger or rage, skipping the earlier stages, it would be beneficial for them to receive professional help to identify their triggers and learn intervention strategies to diffuse their anger.
Also, choose your battles based on timing. Aim to talk through difficult issues when your loved one is calm, sober, and in a relatively positive mood.
Your loved one could try meditation, yoga, exercising, breathing exercises, or other strategies to control their stress.
Avoid gossiping about the angry person or rehashing their issues. Instead, focus on what you need to do to de-stress.
It’s fine to want to support your loved one, but try to carve out some “me time” a few days each week to do nourishing activities to fill yourself back up.
You might feel relieved to hear that others are having similar experiences. Plus, they may have useful advice to help you cope.
If your spouse becomes violent, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you are a child and afraid of an adult with violent tendencies, contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child.
