Beliefs and values are not the same as common interests. For example, love, care, trust, and respect are values, while sports and television are interests.
Make a list of your interests and then put a star beside interests that you share with him.
Some examples include spending quality time together, sharing similar life goals, and mutual respect.
Try asking yourself, “How do I feel after hanging out with the guy I’m dating?” After you hang out with the guy you’re dating, try coming home and making a list of how you felt during and after hanging out together. Some examples of feeling include happy, sad, anxious, curious, and excited.
Try making a list of your best qualities and behaviors. Then ask yourself, “Does the guy I’m dating bring out these things in me?” Some examples might include having a positive outlook, acting with kindness toward others, or not engaging in gossip.
Try making a list of times you communicated effectively with the guy you’re dating, and times you wish the communication would have been better. An example of good communication might include the time you argued but both took time to listen to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. An example of poor communication might be when he failed to inform you he wasn’t coming to hang out after previously making plans to do so. Compare the lists to get a holistic perspective on your overall communication as a couple, including areas where you can improve.
Make a list of times the guy you’re dating treated you with respect, and then make a list of times you felt he disrespected you. Compare the lists.
Slapping, kicking, punching, biting, choking, and pulling hair Harming you with weapons Hurting your children Not allowing you to eat or sleep Preventing you from getting medical attention after the abuse Forbidding you from calling the police Abandoning you in a place that is unfamiliar Forcing you to use alcohol or drugs Forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts
Humiliating or embarrassing you Constantly putting you down Making mean jokes or regularly making fun of you Withdrawing affection Guilt trips Using money as a way to control you Constantly calling or texting you when you are not with him Isolating you from friends and family
Positive aspects might include effective communication, mutual respect, and bringing out the best in you. Negative issues might include emotional or physical abuse, not respecting your opinions, and not sharing common values or goals.
Try saying, “John, I am really happy we are together, but feel there are some things we need to work on. Can we talk about how we communicate with one another?” You can say, “Evan, I don’t feel you treat me with respect and we do not share common values. I think it would be best if we go our separate ways. ”
