Even if misbehavior isn’t malicious, it’s still misbehavior. You have the right to say that they’re upsetting you, and ask them to stop. Sometimes, two good people run into relationship problems. It’s okay to talk about them, and to want things to change.
Have I ever talked to this person about how their behavior makes me feel? If I did try talking to them, did I express myself clearly? Or is it possible that they didn’t understand me? Do they have a habit of dismissing my feelings, or do they often listen when I speak up? Is this behavior uncharacteristic of them? Do they usually show caring and consideration to me, or do they have a history of being a jerk? Does this person treat other people this way too? Does the presence of authority figures change their behavior? Do they only do this when they think there won’t be witnesses, or do they do it regardless of who’s around? (This can help you tease out whether they’re malicious or oblivious. )
Kids are needy by nature. If you’re a parent or caregiver, your kid is going to ask for a lot of things, and the relationship may feel somewhat one-sided at times. Some mental illnesses and conditions can cause people to struggle with social skills. For example, a person with social anxiety might ask you to do “trivial” things like ordering for them at a restaurant because it’s really hard for them, and a person with borderline personality disorder might not realize when they’re crossing a boundary. Not everyone can take a hint. Some people, especially kids and people with disabilities like autism, may not catch subtle signs that you’re upset. You may have to explain it to them in order for them to be aware there’s a problem. People with anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses may sometimes seem to be overreacting or “playing the victim,” when in truth they are suffering from an illness that distorts their sense of reality. This isn’t healthy, but it usually isn’t on purpose.
A good friend may ask for favors sometimes. They’ll want to spend time with you just for fun too, and they’ll also be willing to do reasonable favors for you if you ask.
Would you be willing to ask someone else for the same favor? Are they asking you to break rules or get in trouble? Are they encouraging you to do something too dangerous? Are they saying you should do something that seems undignified? Are they giggling about it, or wanting to take photos or video? If you express reservations, do they take you seriously, or do they keep pushing?
Consider emotional labor too. Are you always comforting and supporting them, without them ever doing the same for you when you need them? If you are both reasonably healthy adults, then there is no excuse for them not to put effort into the relationship or treat you as an equal.
“You’re so smart and generous. I bet you’d have an easy time figuring out my homework. " “You’re just so good at laundry! You fold it so beautifully, and you’re so reliable. " “I knew I could count on you to finish our presentation! You’re so organized and good at writing. You do it way better than me!”
“There’s no time! In or out?” “This is your only chance. Say yes now, or regret it forever. " “Tickets are going to run out any second now! Hurry if you want one!”
“I raised you, fed you, and clothed you! I am your father! You owe me!” “Sure, I guess I can handle being alone. All by myself. Without anyone or anything to comfort me or distract me from my tears. " “You’re mad at me, I know it. I never do anything right. I’m so stupid and worthless. I don’t know why you bother with me at all. " “I should have expected this. Nobody ever takes me seriously or listens to my ideas. " “All the popular girls at school have designer shoes! It’s humiliating. Every night, I think about the shoes that you won’t buy me, because you don’t love me enough. " “People tell me that you are ungrateful. I tell them that’s ridiculous. Of course you will come visit your mother for the holidays. You’re a good daughter. "
The silent treatment Acting cold to you Withholding affection Refusing to invite or include you
“I never said that. You’re making things up. " “You’re being too sensitive. It wasn’t that bad. " “That’s not what happened. You were the one who was calling names. " “I’m abusing you? No, YOU’RE abusing ME!”
“I have the right to decline a request if it’s too much for me. " “I do not exist for the convenience of others. I’m allowed to make my own plans, and do my own thing with my time. " “I’m allowed to be upset with people. " “I should be able to assertively express myself if something is bothering me. " “I don’t have to put up with people who manipulate me. " “I can leave a conversation if someone is mistreating me. "
For example, it’s possible that your pushy sister is trying to manipulate you so that she can make fun of you behind your back. . . but it’s also possible that she thinks she’s being a good sister, and doesn’t realize that she needs to let things go when you say “no” to her. For example, perhaps your friend has been blowing you off lately, and you have been wanting his help with a big problem. Start with the assumption that maybe your friend is really busy or dealing with a problem of his own and didn’t know you needed him. Talk to him about it with the assumption that he means well, and then adjust your assumptions if he gives you evidence that he’s been ignoring you on purpose.
“When you ask me to make a fast decision, I can’t think. I need time to think things over. Please give me more time before asking me to make a choice. " “Recently, you’ve often called me because you needed something, and ended the call shortly after I said yes. It makes me wonder if something has happened that harmed our relationship. I miss chatting with you. " “Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable when you push me to buy a revealing outfit at the mall. I know that you love showing off a little, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m just not super comfortable doing that myself. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make a big deal of it if I say no to certain outfits sometimes. "
“I need you to stop calling me that name. I don’t like it, and it’s not okay. " “I have asked you twice now to stop that. If you do it again, I will leave. " “If you are going to use me as a ride, then I need a contribution for gas money. And if you catcall women from my car, you will find yourself walking the rest of the way. " “Stop touching me. I said no. " “No. I can’t drive you. I have plans. Call a cab or a ride sharing service. "
To avoid being seen as a gossip, talk to people who aren’t in the same social circle as the person who is mistreating you. For example, if it’s a work problem, then tell your family or friends from somewhere else, and if it’s a family problem, talk to your friends. Talk to an authority figure if the person is making you feel unsafe, or interfering with your work. Explain the situation and how it’s affecting you, say what you’ve tried doing, and ask for help.
