Setting your phone to silent and stashing it in your pocket or bag. Switching off the TV, computer, or any other distracting electronics in the room. Choosing a quiet place to talk, such as an unoccupied corner of a café, your office, or a park bench.
Don’t stare at the person without ever breaking your gaze as this will seem intense and a little odd. Allow yourself to look away now and then, such as when you reach for a drink of water or as you adjust yourself in your seat. [3] X Research source During one-on-one conversations, try to make 7-10 seconds of eye contact before looking away. [4] X Research source
Don’t overdo this! It’s not necessary to smile or nod constantly to show you’re interested. Just try to remember to smile and nod once every few minutes if the person has been talking for a while. Chiming in now and then by saying “uh huh,” “I see!” and “yes” can also help to show you’re listening and move the conversation along. Make sure to consider what they’re saying. If they’re telling you something serious or sad, then a neutral expression may be more appropriate than a smile.
The tone and quality of their voice, such as if it’s high-pitched, monotone, or trembling. A high pitched voice could mean anger or fear. A monotone voice may indicate sadness or boredom, while a trembling voice may indicate extreme emotional distress. Their facial expressions, such as if they’re smiling, frowning, or furrowing their brow. If they’re smiling, they’re likely happy, but if they’re frowning or furrowing their brow, they may be angry or frustrated. The position of their hands and arms, such as closed and crossed over their chest or open with their hands at their sides. A closed position can indicate frustration or anger, while an open position indicates receptiveness and cooperation.
With practice, you will get better at focusing, even if you are not particularly interested in what they have to say.
Repeat this as many times as needed while the person is talking or until you feel relaxed.
Try to have empathy for the person instead of judging, criticizing, or blaming them. Focus on how you might feel if you were in their situation and if what they’re describing happened to you instead.
For example, if the person is telling a story about a difficult family member, allow them to finish the story and then react to what they have said. Don’t start planning your reaction or a similar story about one of your family members while they are talking.
For example, if the person has just told you about a financial issue they’re having, offering them general money advice may not be welcome. But if you have a specific suggestion that could be helpful for something they shared with you, then you might share this with them. Try framing any suggestions you make by pointing to the specific thing they shared and then sharing the advice. For example, you might say something like, “You mentioned that you have trouble saving money once it’s in your checking account. Have you looked into a direct deposit savings plan so that some of your money goes right into savings?”
For example, if the person has just told you about their day, you might say something like, “Oh, wow! It sounds like you were really busy, and that fiasco with your coworker sounds so frustrating! I’m glad you made it to yoga with your favorite instructor afterward and the day got a little better. ”
For example, you might wait until they finish their next sentence, and then say something like, “Sorry, can you explain that again? I think I may have missed something. ” Or, you might say, “Wait, what was that about your brother?”
Try saying something like, “What happened after that?” or “How did you get through the rest of the day?” Or if they have just told you they checked out a new restaurant over the weekend, get more details by asking questions like, “What was it called?” “What kind of food do they serve?” “What did you order there?” and “How was it?”
For example, you might say something like, “I can tell this is important, and I don’t want to miss anything. Can we talk later today? I’m running late for a meeting. ” Or you might say, “I really care about what you have to say, but I just can’t focus right now. Can we pick a time to talk tomorrow instead?”
