I’m really good in bed. I can sleep for like 10 straight hours without waking up once. — Jen Kirkman The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless. — Mitch Hedburg
Straight guys will never know how expensive it is to be a woman. And that’s why you pay for dinner. — Livia Scott
Everyone knows hipsters are like human bedbugs. You see one, there are probably 40 more under your bed, judging your music. — Dan Soder
I grew up near Newark, New Jersey. If New York City’s the city that never sleeps, Newark, New Jersey is the city that watches you sleep. — Dan St. Germain I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it, can’t eat it, can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye. ’ — Jerry Seinfeld
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing. — Jon Friedman[3] X Research source I’ve been wearing so many scarves lately that I wonder if my ancestors were part Steven Tyler mike stand. — Selena Coppock
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it? — Steven Wright
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body. — Dave Attell If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round. ’ — Eddie Izzard
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. — Jerry Seinfeld A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink named after you!’ The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ‘You have a drink named Steve?’
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. — Billy Connolly Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: ‘No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat. ’ — Tina Fey
I will not talk to someone who has less than 10 toes. I am LACK TOES INTOLERANT. — Gilbert Gottfried
Watch the people you’re talking to. If you see their eyes start to wander, wrap up the joke. You can tell more than one joke in a row if the first one gets some laughs. Build on the energy you created.
A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places. ’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more. ’ — Tommy Cooper I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin. — Sarah Silverman
