Have a candid conversation, preferably face-to-face, about exactly what is acceptable, and what is not. Should there be any wavering on what the nature is of what you are both agreeing to, then take the time to write everything down, yes, everything. When you both can agree on everything, sign it. This is for your own individual peace of mind (and be aware it doesn’t provide a legal basis for what you’ve agreed to); it becomes a matter of two-way integrity and consent—or you shouldn’t agree to then DO anything. Candidly respect each others’ needs and wants, not only during this up-front necessary conversation, but also during subsequent actions, or ‘scenes’.
Hemp: a soft natural rope of medium strength that knots easily Jute: a natural rope of lighter and weaker strength than hemp, also knots easily Nylon: a very strong synthetic rope, typically considered too slippery for beginners Polyester: a strong synthetic rope, typically stiffer than nylon
3 “main” ropes, each 25-30 feet (7-8 meters) long 1 smaller rope, 10-15 feet (3-4 meters) long You can also use household items, like a tie or a scarf.
If you’ve never used rope before, you might want to start with a couple of different types. As you play around with them, you’ll get a better feel for which types of rope you like the best and which are easiest for you to manipulate. It’s a really good idea to take a rope class before you start tying someone up. If you don’t have access to a class, there are plenty of good books out there (Midori is a great author). There are lots of tutorial videos online if you need a little extra guidance learning to tie knots. Just search for the type of knot you want to learn.
A single-column knot is secure and won’t tighten or collapse on its own or under pressure, which makes it an ideal knot for bondage—especially if it’s part of your scene for your partner to struggle. Once you become familiar with this knot, it typically takes only about 30 seconds to tie. This knot works well for most scenes and can be used to secure your partner to furniture or to tie limbs together.
For example, you might have your partner sit in a chair, then tie their legs to the chair legs. From there, you can tie their arms to the arms of the chair or, if the chair doesn’t have arms, tie their arms or wrists together behind their back. Always make sure that you can slip a finger in between the binding and the person’s wrist—that way, you know it isn’t too tight.
For example, you could secure your partner’s wrists and ankles to 4 posts (of a bed, typically) in a spread eagle position. You can also tie your partner’s wrists together, then secure them over your partner’s head. To mimic the “rear entry” position, have your partner get on their hands and knees, then lower their shoulders and drop their arms behind them and along their sides. From there, you can bind the arms and legs together on either side using single-column knots.
The frog tie can be an incredibly vulnerable position for your partner, especially if they’re unclothed. Check in on them often to make sure they’re comfortable.
This position also requires quite a bit of spinal flexibility because of the backbend. However, the nature of the tie gives you some leeway here. If they can’t bend their spine backward very much, you can simply use a longer rope to tie the ankles to the wrists so they have more space.
If you have the person’s arms and legs bound, ask about them specifically. If they can’t feel their hands or feet, take off the rope immediately—you don’t want them to lose circulation. Speak up if you’re the one being tied up and you feel pain or severe discomfort, or if a part of your body starts to feel cold or numb. Even though your partner should be checking in on you every few minutes, don’t wait if you have an issue. If your scene includes gagging your partner, make placing the gag your last step. Have a communication system in place after you gag your partner so they can still let you know if they want to stop.
With practice, you can do this quickly so that it doesn’t interrupt your scene.
Background and experience: How long have you been working with rope? Has your partner ever been tied up before? Does your partner have any experience tying other people up? Health conditions: Does your partner have any circulatory, respiratory, or neural issues? Are they currently taking medication for any condition? Placement and preferences: Does your partner prefer certain types of rope over others? Are there parts of their body where they don’t want rope? Are there parts of their body that are off-limits? Will your partner be clothed, and to what extent?
Setting: Are you tying your partner up as part of a role play scene? If so, clearly define the roles and their expectations. Sexual play: Will sexual play be a part of your scene? Will there be sexual touch while you’re tying your partner up, or only after you’re done? Do you and your partner have a particular dynamic or power exchange (typically Dominant/submissive)? Aftercare: How will you signal when the scene is over? What does your partner need from you after the scene is over? Will you leave immediately after the scene or stay for a while?
Remembering a safe word in the moment can be the most difficult part of having a safe word. For this reason, a safe word chosen by the person being tied up is often best. Some couples use the red-yellow-green traffic light system, with “red” as the “safe word” that immediately ends the scene. “Yellow” means that the person is approaching their limit. This system works best if you check in with your partner regularly and ask specifically about the color of their traffic light. It’s possible to substitute a specific safe word for open communication. If your scene doesn’t involve any kind of role play, you can simply ask your partner how they’re feeling. If they say they aren’t comfortable or don’t want to do it anymore and you immediately untie them, you’ve fulfilled the purpose of a safe word.
You might also try a practice knot so your partner can get used to how the rope feels against their skin. This can be especially helpful if your partner has never been tied up before.
If it’s the first time for either you or your partner, go with a position in which your partner’s body is supported at all times, such as sitting in a chair or lying on a bed. This allows them to relax so they don’t have to rely on their own muscles to hold the position.
Remember to check the tightness at various points, not just one! If the rope is too tight at any point, you risk damaging nerves or cutting off circulation.
Include bottled water and some snacks in your emergency kit, especially if you have a longer scene planned. Factor in how long it will take for you to complete the tie as well as what you have planned after your partner’s tied up. Put some drinking straws in your emergency kit if your partner’s hands are going to be tied up. It can be difficult to give someone a drink out of a bottle—straws are typically much easier to use.
