Monogamish relationships: These relationships are primarily closed, but allow the occasional sexual partner under specific circumstances. For example, a couple might be sexually exclusive with one another most of the time, but allow each other to have one-night stands when one partner is traveling for work. Swinging: This form of relationship can take on a number of different forms, from a couple that swaps partners with another couple for sexual encounters, or when two couples decide to participate in group sex together. Some swinging relationships between couples lead to years-long friendships, where each couple trades partners on occasion. Open relationships: Although any kind of consensual non-monogamy could be called an open relationship, when someone says they’re in an open relationship, they usually mean that both partners are free to pursue sexual encounters, but not romantic connections, outside of their primary relationship. Polyamory: People who practice polyamory openly maintain multiple romantic and sexual partners at once. Their partners may be involved with each other as well, or not—each polyamorous relationship is different.
Some people begin relationships making it clear that they want an open arrangement; other couples decide to open up their relationships after some time. In either case, communication is key to prevent hurt feelings and resentment.
It’s okay if you aren’t someone who is interested in a non-monogamous relationship—this doesn’t mean you are a worse or less open-minded person, just that you have different preferences. Remember that opening a relationship will not fix one that’s already on rocky ground. An open relationship is a test of communication and trust within a relationship—if these fundamentals aren’t already solid, an open relationship likely won’t work.
Not meeting other people for sex when you and your primary partner are not on good terms with each other. A limit to how many people you can sleep with each week or month. Checking in with each other before meeting someone else. What types of sex are acceptable, such as penetrative sex, BDSM, or other kinks. Making it clear to any new sexual partners that you’re in an open relationship. Not having sex with mutual friends or colleagues. Returning home every night.
For instance, you might find hearing the details of your partner’s encounter with someone else exciting, or they might make you upset. Both responses are normal, but if you do find yourself becoming upset, talk with your partner about why that might be the case, and how you can feel better about the situation. For example, you might say something like, “I feel sort of insecure when you spend time with someone else on the weekends. Do you think that we could save the weekend for ourselves, and you can meet other people on weekday nights?”
If either you or your partner calls a timeout, avoid pressuring them to change their mind. This might only make feelings of insecurity worse—instead, accept their decision, and work on enjoying your time together more.
Schedule some time for this conversation ahead of time with your partner by saying something like, “Hey, I love being with you and so grateful for our relationship. I’ve been thinking about us, and wanted to know if you would have some time tonight to talk about how things are going. ”
For example, you might say something like, “I wanted to bring up with you the possibility of opening up our relationship. I love you now more than ever, so please don’t take this as a sign that I don’t. But I think we could both gain a lot by having some more sexual freedom in our relationship, if that’s something you’re interested in. ” This conversation will be much easier if your partner has previously expressed interest in non-monogamy. They might have brought up topics like threesomes or been supportive of open relationships among their friends. If your partner comes from a more traditional background, there might be a lot more resistance. You can try to see how your partner might react to you bringing up open relationships ahead of time by asking them a more general question, like “I’ve been seeing people talk about open relationships a lot—what do you think of them?”
If your partner says no to an open relationship, and you still want to be with them, reassure them that you understand their decision. Say something like, “I completely understand where you’re coming from—I love you, and I’m more than happy to keep our relationship exclusive. ”
“Isn’t it just an excuse to cheat?” “Any relationship can be selfish or greedy, not just open relationships. Trust and being honest with your partner are as important in open relationships as they are in closed ones, and breaking trust by crossing boundaries is not acceptable in an open relationship. " “How can you have a relationship like that? I couldn’t do it. ” “Open relationships definitely aren’t for everyone, but they work for some people. If you don’t think you could handle an open relationship, you’re probably right, but that doesn’t mean that others can’t. " “Don’t you feel like you’re missing something by not being exclusive?” “Open relationships aren’t ‘watered-down’ relationships, and not being sexually exclusive with one person doesn’t mean that your relationship lacks any intimacy or connection. "
