There are tons of online resources with information that can help you understand sexuality and gender identity. [2] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
Save the more complicated or private matters for internet research. A question or two is fine, but you don’t want to violate their privacy or overwhelm them with questions!
Having supportive friends and family members can make the coming out process a lot easier for people. [3] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
Never dismiss it as a phase or attention ploy. Recognize that their sexuality does matter—it will shape their life. Acknowledge it as a part of who they are, and don’t brush it off as unimportant. Don’t ask when they “became” gay/bi/whatever they identify as, ask them how long they’ve been “that way”, or ask when they knew. Those are somewhat strange questions, and once again, they never decided or chose their sexuality/gender. Don’t wave it off or pretend to understand if you aren’t part of the queer community. Coming out is a difficult experience, and they need you to listen. Don’t disown them, hurt them, or end your friendship.
Say “you’re too pretty to be a lesbian” or “but you don’t look gay” or “you can’t be (their gender), you still look like a (sex they were born as). " Say “I love gay people! Yay!” It’s totally great to love gay people, but don’t love them for their sexuality. They want equality, not superiority. This phrase can make LGBTQ folks uncomfortable. Claim that you’re a strong ally simply because you like Ellen DeGeneres or Tyler Oakley. Ask them if they’re going to hit on you, or if they have a crush on you, simply because they’re attracted to your gender. Assume they want to know all about your gay friends, or that they need you to set them up on a date. (You can offer “I have another friend who is pansexual, and I can introduce you to her if you’d like. " That way, they can take you up on it if they’re looking for other LGBTQ+, but they won’t feel like you’re pushing something on them. )
Stop using “that’s so gay” as an insult. When asking about an acquaintance’s romantic partners, don’t assume that the partner will be the opposite gender. (Try using gender-neutral language. “So you’re engaged? Who’s the lucky person?”). Don’t assume that genitals equal gender. Understand the meanings of slurs and how horrible they are, then refrain from using them.
Even if you can’t understand, listening and validating their feelings can be a tremendous help. If you feel that a problem is too big for you to help, say so. Express that you want them to feel better, and help them find someone who can help them more than you can.
