Socially inept people may overthink how they act in social settings and dwell on perceived mistakes. However, they may also understand social situations, and fail to engage with others by not reading the room properly or by paying more attention to themselves than to others. Many socially inept people also struggle with anxiety. Social anxiety is not the same as social ineptitude, though social ineptitude may contribute to social anxiety. Social ineptitude refers to general difficulty navigating social situations, while social anxiety refers to fear or insecurity in social situations. [2] X Research source
Not every sign of social ineptitude will apply to every socially inept person, and everyone will experience at least one instance of social awkwardness in their life. If you are socially inept, you likely frequently experience multiple signs of awkwardness.
Maybe you find yourself being talked over a lot, or it feels like nobody hears you. You trail off mid-sentence, and it doesn’t seem like anyone notices. Does it seem as if your interactions with others don’t go anywhere, or that new people move on to someone else after only a few minutes of chatting? Do you only get one-word answers from new acquaintances?
Have you ever left a conversation only for your friend to say, “Did you get their number? They were flirting with you!” and felt utterly oblivious? Difficulty understanding social cues may cause you to overcompensate by overanalyzing people’s expressions or body language. Social anxiety may influence you to believe someone’s body language is signaling boredom or impatience when it isn’t![6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
If your social ineptness manifests as anxiety, you may be too nervous during an interaction to pay attention to the conversation.
If you have social anxiety, it may feel intimidating to take up space in a social setting, so you stand off to the side. Maybe you’re always at the end of the row in group photos or the one without a partner during school projects or games.
Often, the more you think about your body, the more awkward and unnatural it feels.
Socially anxious people may also implement barriers to interaction. For instance, they may text (or pretend to text), or go to the bathroom just to escape for a few minutes.
Even after the incident has passed, socially inept people may find it hard not to replay the event in their heads and scrutinize every detail, wondering what went wrong.
Social ineptitude can be a self-fulfilling prophecy in that the more awkward you feel, the more uncomfortable interactions can be: one bad interaction begets anxiety over the next interaction, and the anxiety causes you to avoid socializing in the future. [13] X Research source If you’re dodging phone calls because you’d rather text or hiding from food delivery men, you could be socially anxious. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
Nobody is perfectly socially adept all the time. It is common to feel nervous or anxious when speaking publicly, for example. [15] X Research source For some people, it can feel really uncomfortable to be in a group setting, and social skills may feel challenged especially in larger settings. Remember that people with active and fulfilling social lifes work hard at them and make time for them. It is true of anything, when you put energy and focus towards something over time you get better at it and also begin to see payoffs. Be patient and consistent.
First, think of people you already know who you can possibly get to know better and reach out to them and initiate a time to get together or go do something fun. It can be helpful to expose yourself to small social situations made up of 1-2 people that you feel comfortable with and where concerns about being judged or doing something embarrassing are not present. This can provide you with opportunities to practice communications skills and solicit feedback without fear of judgment. As you become more familiar with these skills, you can expose yourself to bigger groups until it feels more natural and fluid to be in social settings. Does it seem like your friend navigates social interactions with ease? Observe their behavior in social settings and see if there’s anything you can learn from it.
Before you tell a joke, ask yourself: is this the right time and place? Will this crowd understand the reference I am making? Practicing social reconnaissance will also help you get better at not interrupting people during conversation.
Make occasional “Hmm” and “OK” sounds while someone is speaking to suggest you are paying close attention. Maintain good eye contact to show you are invested in the interaction.
If a person makes sustained eye contact with you, that is an indication they are interested in what you have to say. If their eyes dart around too much while you speak, they may be distracted, bored, or looking for an out. [20] X Research source Tell the difference between a genuine smile and a real smile: a genuine smile engages the entire face, whereas a fake smile only engages the mouth. If someone is standing close to you, this may indicate they are interested in what you have to say. If you notice them step away, this may suggest they want to disengage.
Open body language may consist of a head tilt, a smile with teeth (if appropriate), and good (but not too intense) eye contact. These are signs you are interested in what someone is saying. Practice mirroring the body language of the person you’re talking to. Mirroring is a subconscious sign that you are interested in connecting and engaged in the conversation. [22] X Research source Avoid clasping your hands, crossing your ankles, or rubbing your neck, as these may make you appear closed off and uncomfortable. Don’t overthink your posture too much, as overthinking can lead to the same stiff, uncomfortable posture you want to avoid!
Relatedly, go into conversations open-minded. Assuming ahead of time that people will dislike you may lead you to the trap of confirmation bias: you may assume they think ill of you even if they are kind and engaged. [23] X Research source
Don’t ignore your hurt feelings when someone does reject you. Socializing is an important part of life, and it’s valid to hold your relationships in high esteem. Just don’t let the hurt take over.
