A lot of friendships are built on common ground. Big things like raising small children or little things like taste in music and TV shows can shape the conversations you have. Being on different paths in life, you may not have as much to talk about with your friends.
Not being able to create new worthwhile memories could signal your friendship has stalled. Keep this in mind if you’re focused on personal growth.
For example, maybe you used to go clubbing or play pranks with your friends. Now, because of work or kids, you may no longer have the time or energy for activities like this.
Your friendship may have become toxic if disagreements devolve into personal attacks. If your arguments focus on, for example, appearance or economic status rather than the issue at hand, this may be the case.
If you and your friends complain about each other more, that’s another sign you’ve grown apart. Constant comparison of accomplishments or jealousy may also cause a lot of drama in the friendship.
Similarly, if you have newer friends that encourage good habits and personal growth, that contrast can also signal you’ve outgrown your old crew.
You or your friend could also be going through something right now that requires some personal space.
Weigh the pros and cons of the friendship. Consider how you support each other, if your conflicts can be solved, what it would take to reconnect, etc. How you respond can help clear up your situation. Ask yourself what you ultimately want out of this friendship. A companion? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to go out with? Consider whether that expectation is being met. If not, can that be resolved? Think about what would happen if you did end the friendship. What would you lose? Is there anything you would gain?
”Our schedules are very different nowadays, and that makes it hard to find time to meet up. I miss hanging out with you, though, and want things to be different. ” ”Ever since our argument, I feel like we’ve drifted apart. Even though we said some hurtful things, I don’t want that to be the end. ” Don’t be afraid to reach out first. As awkward as sending the first text after a while can be, taking that leap could be the start of your friendship’s second wind. Your friend may not reciprocate your feelings when it comes to making amends. Be prepared for that response and accept it if it happens. [13] X Research source
If the conflict is caused by miscommunication, hearing each other’s perspectives can help clarify things. Maybe the conflict was caused by built-up resentment or jealousy. Though a little more difficult to combat, talking this out can bring you and your friend back to neutral ground. The conflict could also be caused by differing expectations. Maybe one of you wants to spend time together, but the other is fine just knowing the other is there when they need them. The difference in how you think about your friendship can lead to misunderstandings. If you are not on speaking terms, wait until things have calmed before reaching out. Time can give you a new perspective that makes the solution to your problem much clearer. [15] X Research source
Your deep conversations can change to small talk and little updates if that’s what makes you both comfortable. Casually meeting up may have been easier in the past thanks to school or work. Now, you may need to be more intentional when making plans, including specific dates and times. If physical distance is making connecting difficult, you can schedule time to do a video call or even become each other’s pen pal. The pace of messaging may be slower than you’re used to, but you’ll still be talking.
You can stay friends with the person, but they don’t have to be in your close circle.
Mourning the loss of a friendship can take time. [20] X Research source Don’t judge yourself too hard for feeling the way you do, whether you feel a lot or not much.
”We are in different places in life and it’s time we go explore our own paths. After all we’ve been through together, I wish you the absolute best. ” Write a draft beforehand and share it with another friend. They can tell you where your tone may sound odd or hurtful, giving you time to revise before sending the message. Writing a letter is good for avoiding confrontation, but it might leave your friend feeling blindsided and confused. Choose this option if you can’t speak in person or on the phone, or if doing so would not be safe for you.
Meet with another friend or someone else you trust to discuss what you’re going to say beforehand. Preparing can make sure you give the right impact and avoid misunderstandings. Pick a neutral location like a coffee shop or a public park. That way the two of you can speak openly and make an easy exit if necessary. To end things gracefully, it’s best to avoid placing too much blame on your friend. Rather, share responsibility and opt for “I” and “We” statements. For example, “We have a hard time seeing eye to eye,” rather than “You never give my ideas a chance. ” ”The way we interact has become very uncomfortable for me. I feel hurt when you criticize me. ”
In the case of toxic friends, immediately stopping all contact may be best for your safety and mental health.
This can look like unfollowing each other on social media, not speaking when you see each other in public, and anything else that will make both you and your friend comfortable.
