It’s totally natural to get angry or upset when someone is mistreating you. The trick is not to show it. If you feel like you’re about to lose your cool, calmly excuse yourself or just walk away, then let your feelings out when they’re not around to see it. If you’re dealing with a rival in a work or business setting, keep your cool and stay professional. Ultimately, you’ll come out looking (and feeling) a lot better than they will. Staying calm and cool lets the bully know that they have no power over you. [3] X Expert Source Cameron Gibson, R. C. C. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
In his famous treatise The Art of War, the ancient Chinese general Sun Tzu said, “When I wish to avoid battle, I may defend myself simply by drawing a line on the ground. ”[6] X Research source Keep it simple and let your enemy know where your boundaries are. Say something like, “That’s not acceptable,” or “Don’t talk to me that way. ” Avoid using emotional language or saying anything that makes them feel like they’ve gotten the reaction they’re looking for. For instance, don’t say something like, “You’re ruining my life,” or “You make me so angry!” If they’re lying about you to someone else, calmly correct them and back it up with evidence. For instance, if a coworker tries to pin the blame on you for a project falling apart, say something like, “Actually, that’s not true. I filed my forms on time. Here’s my email with the timestamps on it. ”
Looking them in the eyes and laughing or smiling can be especially effective. If they’re trying to get you upset, that’s not the reaction they’ll be expecting!
For example, if someone’s being nasty to you at school or work, see if you can band together with other people who’ve had trouble with the same person. You could confront them as a group or go together to report their behavior to someone in charge. [10] X Expert Source Cameron Gibson, R. C. C. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director Expert Interview. 10 February 2021. If your enemy is a bully, they’ll want you to feel powerless and isolated. Teaming up with others is a great way to undermine that goal![11] X Research source
For example, if you’re dealing with a workplace bully, document their behavior and report it to your boss or HR. At school, you can go to your teacher or the principal. If you think your enemy is doing something illegal or unethical, report them to the appropriate authorities, whether that’s the police, their supervisor, or a professional organization they belong to. But don’t do this lightly! Be ready to show evidence to back up your accusations.
For example, if an angry ex is saying nasty things about you on Facebook, don’t respond directly to their posts. Just quietly block them (and unfriend them, if you haven’t already). If you have to, you can always address anything false that they said about you in your own post. Stepping away from the situation can also give you a chance to calm down and think of the best approach to take. If you try to react to their behavior while you’re still upset, it could just end up making things worse. Of course, if they’re doing something overtly harmful, such as threatening or hurting you or someone else, it’s a good idea to report their behavior. But try not to engage with them directly.
Focusing on self-care. Do things that you find enjoyable, relaxing, and fulfilling. Spending more time with friends and other people who lift you up instead of bringing you down. Making a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Repeating an empowering mantra to yourself (e. g. , “I am fierce. I am powerful. I am unstoppable. ”).
Maybe they’re always trying to undermine your confidence by telling you that you can’t succeed at something. Turn that around on them by working even harder to achieve your goal. Your victory will be extra sweet! You can also look at their behavior as a learning opportunity. For instance, if they’re always picking on other people, use that as a guide for now not to behave.
If they criticize me, is the criticism constructive or destructive? Do they apologize or try to change their behavior when I tell them I don’t like what they’re doing, or do they minimize my feelings and continue doing it? Are they actively doing anything to try to harm me, or do they just seem to dislike me? Remember, someone who’s not your friend or who doesn’t agree with you isn’t necessarily an enemy! It’s okay for people to disagree or dislike each other—it only becomes a problem if they’re actually trying to hurt you in some way.
